Growing Resentment

I am starting to feel more and more resentment towards parents with small children. This is recent. Up until this past week, it was only pregnant women. Now it's anyone with a child under the age of 4 or 5, sometime parents with older kids, too. It's really awful. I used to be mildly jealous of moms with babies and kids, but also optimistic that I would have babies of my own someday. Now, I don't have that optimism to buoy me. Sure, I can adopt. I'm counting on adopting if I don't get a sticky pregnancy by next May. But I'm realizing how important genetics really are. And I'm not just jealous. I'm downright resentful. I can't even look at women with children. It physically hurts.

I think it might be hormonal. TMI alert: I'm ovulating. I'm also preoccupied with the fact that I *should* be 4 or 5 months pregnant by now. Would be if I hadn't miscarried both pregnancies this spring. It really stings to think about that. I should be showing. I should be shopping for maternity clothes. I should be putting up frozen and canned food in anticipation of not having much time to cook this winter. I should be planning my baby registry. I should be . . . The list goes on. I try not to think about it too much.

On the brighter side, the midwife I saw last spring for my pre-pregnancy pap wasn't avoiding me because she was giving me the cold shoulder as I feared. She was avoiding me because she was embarrassed that it had taken her so long to respond. So now we are back in touch. She still doesn't know about my miscarriages though. If I hire her when I do get pregnant, I'll tell her then. But I think she's too busy now to really focus on me. If I hire someone to help, it should be someone who specializes in fertility/miscarriage issues. I have a couple of leads for acupuncturists I'm planning to check out. I'm just not quite there yet. Not quite ready to switch from using Ayur Veda to using TCM. But I think I probably will make the switch, since there are no local Vaidyas at all, not to mention any that specialize in fertility. While there are local LAc fertility specialists. So that will probably be the next step on my journey.

I just wish there was some way to erase the heartache and start over. Although I don't want to erase my babies. I just want to stop aching so I can enjoy my future and remember my babies with love.