Playing God

Making decisions about TTC feels a bit like playing God. Only I don't have all the answers. I can't see the future. I have to make life-altering decisions, not only for myself, but also for my future children, without the benefit of omniscience. It's scary.

I had to make a decision this morning about starting my meds for this cycle. But because my chart has been tricky to read, I wasn't confident. So I put the numbers into Fertility Friend (something I rarely do--call me crazy, but I prefer to chart on paper), and got the same interpretation that I had made on my own. That gave me a little more confidence, but I still felt panicky. I still wanted to talk it over with Ms. Bird when I see her this afternoon, but my steroid needs to be taken in the morning, and I didn't want to wait until tomorrow, because that would be a day later than Dr. R. recommended.

Then I realized that this is the beginning of being a mother. When I have a baby, I will make decisions for him or her. And I'll have to be confident about them, because my baby will be depending on me. But I'm fallible! I have to be able to make a decision and follow through, without knowing what the outcome will be. I have to be able to do this for big, life-altering things, not just little things. I have to grow up and be the adult. And it is a very, scary thought.

Eventually, I went ahead and took the meds. Because my desire to talk to Ms. Bird was just a desire to hear a person (not a computer program) say, "Yes, you have the right interpretation." I also calmed down. I'm not completely relaxed, but I'm not panicking either. All the work I've been doing with Dr. Black has really helped me to be more able to self-sooth and recognize and moderate my emotions before they get out of control.

But the thought of being a parent--effectively being someone else's God (because, really, isn't that how we all see our parents when we are children)--that's still a scary one.