Second Anniversary

Tomorrow will my our second wedding anniversary. I'm amazed at how much this date hurts--far more than Poppy's due date did. But I guess it's not so surprising, when I think about it.

Two years ago, I thought that I would be very pregnant by our first wedding anniversary. When our first anniversary did roll around, I was in the midst of beginning treatment, and I was very hopeful that I would be very pregnant, or maybe even have a newborn, by our second anniversary. This year, I have no such hope. Oh, sure, part of me is hopeful that the immune treatments will do the trick, and I'll stay pregnant the next time we try--that's why we're spending some much time and money on them, isn't it? But I don't feel the level of certainty that it will work that I felt last year. I've had too many losses to feel sure of anything now. I hope, but I also fear.

And I ache for the loss of the babies I might have had. For the first dream that my first pregnancy would be smooth and uneventful. For the fleeting hope that my first miscarriage was a fluke. For the confidence that finding so many treatable problems in my first appointments with Dr. R. meant that our next pregnancy would surely result in a baby.

All that is gone now. I still have hope, but it is measured against the reality that my third, fourth, and fifth miscarriages all occurred in spite of my doctor's optimism that he had found and treated all the necessary issues. The question still lingers in the back of my mind. Will these immune treatments be enough? Will they be the right ones? Or do we have more years of struggle ahead of us before we are finally parents of a living child?

The loss of the future I had imagined, paired with knowing that what happens now is entirely out of my control, leaves me emotionally vulnerable right now. I've been crying at the smallest excuse the past few days, especially today.

Luckily, we celebrated yesterday, before the emotional tole of this anniversary really hit, so I was able to enjoy our date night. Tomorrow, I have my music classes to keep me busy. And in a little less than two weeks we have our first LIT treatment . . .