Both literally and figuratively. Life has been better the past few days. I think it may have had to do with a really good focusing session with my mom on Thursday. It cleared up for me what my specific fears are, and what (small) steps I can start taking now to alleviate my fears. It feels like sun breaking through clouds or a big weight being lifted.
Am I alone in having trouble taking action on big decisions? Even when I know the steps I want to take, actually taking them can be really hard. So the first step, it turns out, is to do some things to address my fears. Then, hopefully, I'll be able to see more clearly whether it is the right time to take the next step on my quest for living children, and what that step needs to be.
Actually, the reason I say Thursday's session was so good, is that I already feel more at peace and ready to begin to lay the foundation for the next step. Nothing is set in stone yet. I can still change my mind. But a week ago I was going out of my mind with worry and fear. I was paralyzed by not knowing what direction to take, or what lay in store in the future. I still don't know what the future holds. But I do know the steps I am willing to take now. I'll figure out the next steps once I've taken these ones.
One step at a time. One day. One hour. Sometimes one minute. That's how I live now. It's one of the odd blessings of experiencing pregnancy loss. It really brings home the truth that I can't see the future. It forces me to live much more in the present. I never thought I'd have to lose my dreams to start understanding how to live in the now. There must be easier ways to learn this lesson, but this is the way I was given. So I'll take it. I do try to look for silver linings. It keeps me sane to be grateful for something.
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