MIA

That's what I am right now. Missing In Action. I'm lost. And this post will probably ramble a lot.

Somewhere between relief that FVL isn't my problem and disappointment that now I don't know what to do, I got lost. I forgot that I was going to rule out FVL and then try again, and started down the rabbit hole of finding out if there is something else wrong. It felt like the right place to go. But it's not what I planned. In this journey through grief, and in the process of searching for answers, I continually find myself doing things that I never thought I'd do. I don't know where I'm going any more. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

I had a consultation visit with an acupuncturist on Saturday. No good. I just don't like her. She was too casual about the possibility of me having another miscarriage. As if it would be both unlikely to happen and no big deal if it did. Even if all the odds are in favor of me having a successful pregnancy, I've already beaten the odds twice. And why did she have to mention the possibility of a third miscarriage? She brought it up several times. She could have worded things differently. It was almost as if, even though she said she expected me to have a successful pregnancy, she really was expecting another miscarriage. Or as if I don't qualify for certain testing/treatment until I've reached the threshold of Three Losses.

Maybe it has something to do with a different acupuncturist I spoke to on the phone on Friday. She was on the side of testing for treatable conditions, to rule them out or treat them, now. And she was very confident that I would carry my next pregnancy to term. It made me feel confident and optimistic to speak to her. Actually, the one I met in person probably has more experience than the one I spoke to on the phone, but I think the experienced one is somewhat jaded or desensitized. I just didn't feel like she was taking me very seriously. I was an "easy" case to her.

I don't want to be an "easy" case. I don't want to be dismissed. I want to carry my next pregnancy to term. And I want support from someone who takes me seriously. I don't think I can cope with another loss. I'm barely coping as it is. I thought I was doing well, and now I have a minor set back that could be seen as a good thing, and I dissolve. All my motivation goes. I have no energy for anything but to sit and knit and listen to audio books. A week ago, I was running around, getting all sorts of things done. Now I just want to sit in my rocking chair like an old lady.

I need to get to bed. I have to be up early tomorrow, and I have a busy day (for me).

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P.S. Thanks for all the comments and suggestions on my last post. I really appreciated the support.

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Editing to clarify. The acupuncturist I disliked didn't exactly dismiss me as a person or as a client--in fact she seemed eager to work with me. But she didn't seem to take my concerns, and the emotional aspect of my experience, seriously enough. Because of this, I worry that if I worked with her, she might, in future, dismiss my fears and concerns, try to talk me out of testing that I wanted to do, or not understand my grief if I were to have another miscarriage while in her care.