I read a quote somewhere recently (which, of course, I didn't bookmark and now can't find) about how some infertile people make friends with couples who have school-aged kids (and vasectomies) and therefore aren't going to be talking about babies or growing bellies, and that this is somehow okay, because the infertile person wants a baby, not a runny-nosed 6yo obsessed with the latest craze (at the time of the quote it was Pokemon--which really dates the source). And my first thought was, "Really? An infertile person could be okay hanging out with someone who has reproduced just because their kids are school aged?" Because that's not true for me. I want that 6yo almost as much as I want a baby. I love kids of all ages, shapes, and sizes. And, although it's extremely painful to see bellies and babies, it's also hard to see parents with toddlers and school-aged kids. Sometimes it even hits me hard to see a parent with a teen, because they look like family, and I know that if we become parents through adoption, my children might not look like me. Sometimes I even get a pang around people who's kids might be adopted . . . Because I just want to be a mom so much.
So I thought I'd run an informal pole. What types of families are painful for you to interact with (or even see in the grocery store)? Is it just the ones with obvious pregnancies or very young babies? Or is it anyone with kids? Can you be friends with someone who has older kids without constantly feeling jealous of their ability to reproduce? Does it change anything if you know the person struggled to get or stay pregnant? (It does for me--I'm more comfortable with someone who's "been through the mill" so to speak.)
Note: I want to know how you feel and how you deal with friends and family and socializing, but I don't want to hear that the way I feel is wrong, just because it's different from the way you feel. Personally, I think my ability to love and enjoy children of all ages is an asset, even if right now it makes going through IF/RPL a bit more painful for me than it might be for other people.
P.S. I've been posting a lot on my new, private blog. That's where most of the specifics of what I'm dealing with right now are showing up. If you want an invite, e-mail me at tls_with_woman (at) yahoo (dot) com.
I think pregnant people (particularly if it's their first) and first time parents are particularly difficult to deal with for about the first 12 months. After that I think it gets slightly easier... but I don't think I'd go out of my way, frankly!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, I can't comment on your other blog. I'm going to keep playing around with it - I think it has to do with my browser's cookie settings, or maybe my computer is trying to drive me nuts today. I think it's trying to take over the world... :-p
ReplyDeleteInfertility, for me, has been very isolating. For a long time, my heart was so raw that I couldn't be around anyone with kids - no matter how old they were. They were reminders of the family I wanted so badly, whether they were 18 days or 18 years old. I couldn't handle it, so I avoided them all. And to this day, I am definitely more comfortable being around people who also struggled to have kids, or people who are sensitive to what we've been through.
But that's just how I deal/dealt with it - I think infertility is such a personal and painful experience, that we all handle it in our own different, unique ways. We get through it any way we can. I like what you wrote about how your feelings might be different from someone else's, but that doesn't make them wrong. This is so true!
Sorry for the super-long comment! :) Thinking of you much this morning, and sending many hugs your way.