Pregnancy Envy

I'll admit, I feel it. Even with fellow IF/RPL-ers I feel it. The initial announcement can be such a sucker-punch. Somehow, even when someone is cycling and posting regular updates, I never quite expect the gut-wrenching level of my initial reaction, when she gets a positive.

Of course, I'm happy for her. I know that it is good news. Most of the bloggers I follow have had a loss or two (or more), so their pregnancies give me hope. Still, it hurts. Even on cycles when we're not trying, because we're waiting to get everything in place, it hurts. Marie blogged about this recently. How, even when you're not trying, and there is zero chance of getting pregnant because you're actively preventing, it can still sting to see another BFP announcement from someone who is trying. I sometimes envy the fact that some people get to try every month, while I have to wait and plan.

Here's the thing, though. I may feel a flash of jealousy at first. I may feel a sting, or even a gut wrench that someone else is pregnant and I'm not, but it doesn't last. At least not with the ladies who have been through previous losses. Because, following on the heals of the BFP comes the anxiety. The watchfulness of milestone after milestone. The small sighs of relief followed by new anxieties and worries.

It's not that I want them to feel that pain. I wish we could all go back to the happy, naive state of first-time-pregnant-never-had-anything-go-wrong-so-there's-no-chance-it-will-happen-to-me magical thinking. (Actually, it's not magical for most people--for most people it's just true--but that's a rant for another day.) I would take away all the hurt of pregnancy after loss if I could. It's just that it is easier to go on supporting my on-line friends who get pregnant after loss, because they aren't smug and confident. They're dealing with a level of anxiety that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I genuinely want to help them get through it.

As time goes on, posts become more and more pregnancy oriented, but I don't mind. I begin to enjoy following their stories. I have, occasionally, stopped following a blog when someone got pregnant, but usually it was a blog that I only just found. If I'm invested in the blogger, if I've been following her story for several months, then watching her pregnancy is also less painful. Because I know how hard she struggled to get here. So I go on reading. I learn about what I have to look forward to. I make mental notes about what helps others when anxiety strikes.

I take every continuing pregnancy as a sign of hope that, if she can carry a pregnancy after loss, I can, too. Someday, it will be my turn, and I hope my readers will continue to follow and support me when it is. And I hope that, no matter how happy I may be for my own success, I will always remember to look back and offer support to my friends who are still in the trenches. I hope I will be able to break the news with sensitivity. And I hope that, in sharing my story, I will be able bring hope to others.

Unexpected Limbo

I've been going back and forth for the past couple of days about whether to post this or not. On the one hand, some of my readers (who would love to have an unexpected pregnancy) may feel pinched reading this, but on the other hand, I'm really scared and need some support. I had hoped to give my next pregnancy the benefit of beginning treatment at ovulation, but that didn't work out. In fact, it took me three days of feeling funny to realize what was going on. At first, I thought I was just under the weather and I'm honestly grateful for that. It means three less days of anxiety. At the same time, I wish I'd been more alert because it also means I started my pregnancy meds three days later.

Now I'm in the very difficult position of trying to deal with two conflicting realities. The first reality is that I am probably pregnant, at least for the moment. Now that I'm aware of it, I need to do everything I can to support this pregnancy, including taking some very unpleasant medications and getting lots of rest. I'll cheerfully submit to any discomfort to protect my baby, as I reminded myself last night after I shot myself up with enox.aparin (generic Love.nox) for the first time. (It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. It did sting like crazy at first, but that was gone in five minutes and I don't even have a bruise this morning, just a little red mark.)

The problem with reminding myself that the meds are for the baby is the second reality--I'm pregnant after loss. Because of my miscarriages, part of me wants to pull away, not let myself go there, not believe in this pregnancy just yet. I need to protect myself emotionally, just in case I have another miscarriage. Trying to both protect the baby's health and protect my heart creates a lot of internal pressure. Lawyer Mama described it really well in her Creme de la Creme post, here.

When I sense myself panicking, I try to remember that this pregnancy already has a much better chance than my previous two pregnancies, because of all the changes I've made since last May, and especially the things I've done over the past 2-3 months. I'm sure the progesterone and enox.aparin I just started are helping, too. I also try to keep myself busy and distracted as much of the time as I can, but my mind is like a hamster running on a wheel: it keeps coming back to pregnancy. If I stay pregnant, this will be my life for the foreseeable future. If not, immeasurable grief and pain await me. Neither choice is actually very appealing, but at least one has the hope of a reward at the end of it all . . . The worst of it is, it's out of my hands. I don't even get to decide.

To any of my readers who need to give yourselves space from pregnant people, I want you to know that I understand. It's okay if you don't have much to say or if you need to stop reading for a while. I understand about self-preservation. Do what you have to do, with my blessing. (I do hope I don't end up being annoying-pregnant, though. ;-)

To my other readers, especially if you're a lurker, I could really use some extra support right now. Please send calm thoughts and sticky baby vibes. TIA!