OMG I have been going insane being busy the past few days! A lot of it is just regular stuff, but that keeps me busy enough, and on top of the regular stuff I'm preparing for my second LIT treatment, knowing my arms will be out of commission for a few days. And then The Mister sprained his ankle yesterday. OUCH! He couldn't put *any* weight on it yesterday, and we were both worried he had fractured something. So that necessitated a trip to Urgent Care. Luckily, the X-rays didn't show any breaks or fractures, and the latest thinking is that it is okay to use the foot, as long as it doesn't hurt too much. Of course he's on ibuprofen, and the doctor gave him permission to take a higher dose, so he's much better today, but still! And I'm still in the getting over it phase of my cold. Ugh! What a week!
My voice survived two music classes on Monday, and another one on Tuesday. I can't remember if I'be mentioned that I'm doing monthly music with my friend Gwyn's daughter and one of her friends. It's much more layed back than the kinder classes, but still a lot of fun.
Anyhoo, with all of that, I haven't had much time to work on my new blog, but it will get done soon.
Oh, and I'm seriously considering getting a lap before we start TTCAL again. I talked to Ms. Bird about it at acupuncture, and she's in favor of not assuming that everything is structurally okay. So I'd appreciate any opinions or advice anyone has to offer on that topic. Particularly when it comes to what sort of indications I need to have to get a doctor to think it's warranted, and/or to get my insurance to cover it. TIA!
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Thursday, December 8
Sunday, November 27
More Random Rambles
I've been wanting to say thanks to everyone who commented after on or about this post, explaining why you hadn't commented on my previous post. I was really touched that you took the time to explain. One of you said not to take it personally, and I wasn't, in the sense that I hadn't expected comments from any specific person, I was just surprised and disappointed to get *no* comments on that particular post. Anyway, thanks for the love and here's some back! ((((Hugs)))) to everyone!
I've been in a funk the past few days. It's probably PMS, although other things have been contributing. For example, I spend a few hours on Friday and Saturday going through my computer files from a midwifery course I took several years ago. That was hard. Even though I just skimmed them, it was still hard to read the opinions I used to have about birth, and realize how much I have had to change in the past 18 months, as I've adjusted to my life taking a trajectory I never anticipated. Going through RPL has really changed my perspective on pregnancy and birth. I've had to accept that things won't go the way I thought I wanted them to, and part of that has been actually stopping myself from wanting those things, or at least from thinking about them as possibilities for me. So going back and reading about what I used to want was hard.
Then, today, I had to listen to clueless people (who I haven't clued in to my situation because, well, they're clueless and I wouldn't gain anything from telling them) say stupid things about A) How we need to show off when the children are doing in Sunday School to the whole congregation more, because if you don't have kids in classes, you don't know what's going on, but if they get reminded, some people donate more money to the Sunday school program (not thinking about the people who would find it painful to be unexpectedly ambushed by a group of kids, because it would remind them of what they want but don't have) and B) A mother with adult children, who are now away at collage, complaining and acting all "poor me" because her children won't be with her on Mothers Day (I wanted to say, "At least your children are alive!"). So I came home and cried after that. It really sucked. But I had to be there because it was our scheduling meeting for who's going to teach what for the rest of the school year. At least now we won't have to meet like that again this year. And at least it was after I had lead the choir practice, otherwise I don't know how I could have gone and taught the kids.
BTW, the choir is doing really well. We have two more performances this month, and then I think we'll go back to a once a month schedule, since they don't generally want to stick around for another practice after church the day of a performance, and I don't blame them. My Kinder music classes are going really well, too. We're getting into a lot of body percussion and I think they'll be ready for rhythm instruments soon. Most of the singing is a cappella, so they can hear themselves and learn to match pitch. Occasionally I have them sing along to a recorded song on a CD. I try to do hand motions with the songs when I can, or have them keep the beat, to keep them from getting to antsy. We also do vocal exploration chants, that give them a chance to try out pitch and volume without a specific tune. I'm having so much fun with them!
So there's some bright stuff going on in my life to balance out all the sh!t.
I've been in a funk the past few days. It's probably PMS, although other things have been contributing. For example, I spend a few hours on Friday and Saturday going through my computer files from a midwifery course I took several years ago. That was hard. Even though I just skimmed them, it was still hard to read the opinions I used to have about birth, and realize how much I have had to change in the past 18 months, as I've adjusted to my life taking a trajectory I never anticipated. Going through RPL has really changed my perspective on pregnancy and birth. I've had to accept that things won't go the way I thought I wanted them to, and part of that has been actually stopping myself from wanting those things, or at least from thinking about them as possibilities for me. So going back and reading about what I used to want was hard.
Then, today, I had to listen to clueless people (who I haven't clued in to my situation because, well, they're clueless and I wouldn't gain anything from telling them) say stupid things about A) How we need to show off when the children are doing in Sunday School to the whole congregation more, because if you don't have kids in classes, you don't know what's going on, but if they get reminded, some people donate more money to the Sunday school program (not thinking about the people who would find it painful to be unexpectedly ambushed by a group of kids, because it would remind them of what they want but don't have) and B) A mother with adult children, who are now away at collage, complaining and acting all "poor me" because her children won't be with her on Mothers Day (I wanted to say, "At least your children are alive!"). So I came home and cried after that. It really sucked. But I had to be there because it was our scheduling meeting for who's going to teach what for the rest of the school year. At least now we won't have to meet like that again this year. And at least it was after I had lead the choir practice, otherwise I don't know how I could have gone and taught the kids.
BTW, the choir is doing really well. We have two more performances this month, and then I think we'll go back to a once a month schedule, since they don't generally want to stick around for another practice after church the day of a performance, and I don't blame them. My Kinder music classes are going really well, too. We're getting into a lot of body percussion and I think they'll be ready for rhythm instruments soon. Most of the singing is a cappella, so they can hear themselves and learn to match pitch. Occasionally I have them sing along to a recorded song on a CD. I try to do hand motions with the songs when I can, or have them keep the beat, to keep them from getting to antsy. We also do vocal exploration chants, that give them a chance to try out pitch and volume without a specific tune. I'm having so much fun with them!
So there's some bright stuff going on in my life to balance out all the sh!t.
Sunday, November 13
Because I was Grieving . . .
Because I was grieving over the passing of two years of marriage without a living child of our own to raise, it hurt to hear the song Falling For You by Colbie Caillat.
It was one of the songs used in my Jazzercise class the spring of my first two pregnancies. And the feeling it describes is just like what I felt as I was realizing that I was pregnant and that I already loved that baby, and also the nervousness that I wasn't quite certain yet, and, in later pregnancies (after the first one) that it might not last . . .
Because I was still grieving over that song, I hit the curb trying to park at church and blew out my tire. Which really sucked. I had to go and teach and it was just awful. The kids were antsy. I had no patience. It sucked. Because, I was still grieving. As I was teaching. That was hard.
Then, I had to change the tire, which turned into a huge production when some cub scouts stopped to help. I had wanted to do it myself. Turns out, I got to re-do it myself, because I hadn't maintained my spare, and it needed to be taken back off, driven up to a gas station, filled with air, brought back, put back on, and then I finally got to drive my car to the nearest tire-store that was open on a Sunday, and arrange to have them put on a new tire and re-align the wheels.
The Mister arrived in time to help me get from place to place with the spare. People kept telling me to go get a canister of compressed air, but just taking the tire off and re-filling it seemed simpler to both me and The Mister.
By now, it was 1:30 pm, and we needed lunch, so we went out to eat. That makes twice in a week, after 5 months of not eating out at all (on my part, not The Mister's--he eats out for meals when he's at work). Then I left The Mister to go to acupuncture, and he brought my car home once it was ready.
I got home from acupuncture still feeling overwrought. I always walk or bike to and from acupuncture, because the 2 or 3 times I haven't (including today) I'm always upset when I get home. Getting some exercise after acupuncture is part of the process for me.
Because I was grieving anyway, even taking a walk after I got home didn't make things all better, and I ended up crying and yelling at my husband, and blaming him for something that was really my own fault. I felt awful afterwards, and told him that I had been wrong to blame him, but I am so afraid of how these outbursts of mine chip away at our relationship. I know they are much less frequent now than they were, that my therapy is helping, but I still worry about their long-term effects.
Because I have been grieving all week, what I really wanted was for The Mister to tell me that he also thought we'd have a baby by now, that this isn't how he envisioned our life going either. I told him I needed to hear that, and it seemed very, very hard for him to say it in those words. To tell me that it's hard for him, too. He wanted to say that he knows how hard it is for me, but I needed to hear him say it's hard for him, too. He finally did. And I let it go. Even though I wondered if he was just saying it because I begged him to, and not because it's how he feels.
This is something I very seldom ask of him. Once, he volunteered something about how hard this has been for him. I can remember one other time, besides tonight, when I pressed him about how this all is, emotionally, for him. There might have been another time or two, but the point is, I don't often ask him to mirror my depth of emotion over our infertility, or to talk about it if he does. Mostly, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't talk about how hard this is for him. That's not the way he's wired, and I'm okay with that.
But tonight, because I am grieving over passing our second anniversary without children, and because that milestone is one I don't want to have to grieve alone, I asked him to tell me that it's hard for him, too. I don't expect him to ache over due dates or angelversaries, or even the miscarriages themselves, the way I do, but I do want to know that he feels some pain over the space in our lives where we thought a child would be by now. I want to know that our anniversary is a joint milestone, not a solo one.
I know that he supports me, and that he wants us to find a way to have a child together. I know that for him, the most powerful way he can show how much he cares is through financial support. But once every few months, I want to be reminded that we are in this together in the way that is most meaningful to me--for him to say that it's hard for him, too.
It was one of the songs used in my Jazzercise class the spring of my first two pregnancies. And the feeling it describes is just like what I felt as I was realizing that I was pregnant and that I already loved that baby, and also the nervousness that I wasn't quite certain yet, and, in later pregnancies (after the first one) that it might not last . . .
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about itSo, yeah, that song really did a number on me this morning. Which would have been fine, only I was on my way to church to teach the children's choir (we had our first performance last week and they did really well!).
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you
Because I was still grieving over that song, I hit the curb trying to park at church and blew out my tire. Which really sucked. I had to go and teach and it was just awful. The kids were antsy. I had no patience. It sucked. Because, I was still grieving. As I was teaching. That was hard.
Then, I had to change the tire, which turned into a huge production when some cub scouts stopped to help. I had wanted to do it myself. Turns out, I got to re-do it myself, because I hadn't maintained my spare, and it needed to be taken back off, driven up to a gas station, filled with air, brought back, put back on, and then I finally got to drive my car to the nearest tire-store that was open on a Sunday, and arrange to have them put on a new tire and re-align the wheels.
The Mister arrived in time to help me get from place to place with the spare. People kept telling me to go get a canister of compressed air, but just taking the tire off and re-filling it seemed simpler to both me and The Mister.
By now, it was 1:30 pm, and we needed lunch, so we went out to eat. That makes twice in a week, after 5 months of not eating out at all (on my part, not The Mister's--he eats out for meals when he's at work). Then I left The Mister to go to acupuncture, and he brought my car home once it was ready.
I got home from acupuncture still feeling overwrought. I always walk or bike to and from acupuncture, because the 2 or 3 times I haven't (including today) I'm always upset when I get home. Getting some exercise after acupuncture is part of the process for me.
Because I was grieving anyway, even taking a walk after I got home didn't make things all better, and I ended up crying and yelling at my husband, and blaming him for something that was really my own fault. I felt awful afterwards, and told him that I had been wrong to blame him, but I am so afraid of how these outbursts of mine chip away at our relationship. I know they are much less frequent now than they were, that my therapy is helping, but I still worry about their long-term effects.
Because I have been grieving all week, what I really wanted was for The Mister to tell me that he also thought we'd have a baby by now, that this isn't how he envisioned our life going either. I told him I needed to hear that, and it seemed very, very hard for him to say it in those words. To tell me that it's hard for him, too. He wanted to say that he knows how hard it is for me, but I needed to hear him say it's hard for him, too. He finally did. And I let it go. Even though I wondered if he was just saying it because I begged him to, and not because it's how he feels.
This is something I very seldom ask of him. Once, he volunteered something about how hard this has been for him. I can remember one other time, besides tonight, when I pressed him about how this all is, emotionally, for him. There might have been another time or two, but the point is, I don't often ask him to mirror my depth of emotion over our infertility, or to talk about it if he does. Mostly, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't talk about how hard this is for him. That's not the way he's wired, and I'm okay with that.
But tonight, because I am grieving over passing our second anniversary without children, and because that milestone is one I don't want to have to grieve alone, I asked him to tell me that it's hard for him, too. I don't expect him to ache over due dates or angelversaries, or even the miscarriages themselves, the way I do, but I do want to know that he feels some pain over the space in our lives where we thought a child would be by now. I want to know that our anniversary is a joint milestone, not a solo one.
I know that he supports me, and that he wants us to find a way to have a child together. I know that for him, the most powerful way he can show how much he cares is through financial support. But once every few months, I want to be reminded that we are in this together in the way that is most meaningful to me--for him to say that it's hard for him, too.
Friday, October 21
Oct 2011 ICLW
Welcome ICLWers! Thanks for stopping by! Let me introduce myself: I'm Hope, and I've had 5 very early miscarriages, due to a variety of issues, including: mild thyroid imbalance, mild PCOS, three "minor" genetic blood clotting factors, and several immune factors.
Currently, we are working with a Reproductive Immunology (RI) center to try to correct the imbalances in my immune system so that I will, hopefully be able to maintain our next pregnancy.
Aside from my propensity to kill off any baby that tries to grow in my womb, I am also a volunteer music docent at a local public school, where I teach music in 2 Kindergarten classrooms each week. I am part of a team of Sunday School teachers at my church, where I teach or assist in the 3rd-5th grade classroom about twice a month. I also lead the children's choir at my church.
Most of the rest of the time, I am busy cooking and trying to keep up with the housework (when I'm not procrastinating by reading blogs). Because of my PCOS and my immune issues, Dr. R. (my RE) has recommended a low glycimic index (GI) diet that is also gluten and dairy free. This means that I cook all my meals from scratch at home, because it is nearly impossible to find pre-prepared food that meets all my dietary requirements. This type of cooking takes about 20 hours per week, sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's worth it to me to be healthy. I sometimes blog about exciting new recipes that allow me to enjoy again favorite foods. Coming soon--a post about gluten free, low GI crackers.
I know that RI can be a controversial subject, but I have been tested and treated for nearly every other possible cause for my miscarriages (there might be some I don't know about, but we've tested for just about everything I've ever heard of) and RI represents my last best hope of actually carrying a pregnancy to term, myself.
P.S. I know that RI can be a controversial subject, but I have been tested and treated for nearly every other possible cause for my miscarriages (there might be some I don't know about, but we've tested for just about everything I've ever heard of), and I now believe that RI represents my last best hope of actually carrying a pregnancy to term. I've made the decision to pursue RI treatment after more than a year of research and deliberation, and I would appreciate your support as I move forward towards my goal of having a baby that is genetically and biologically related to both me and The Mister, even if you disagree with my choice of treatment methods. Thanks.
Currently, we are working with a Reproductive Immunology (RI) center to try to correct the imbalances in my immune system so that I will, hopefully be able to maintain our next pregnancy.
Aside from my propensity to kill off any baby that tries to grow in my womb, I am also a volunteer music docent at a local public school, where I teach music in 2 Kindergarten classrooms each week. I am part of a team of Sunday School teachers at my church, where I teach or assist in the 3rd-5th grade classroom about twice a month. I also lead the children's choir at my church.
Most of the rest of the time, I am busy cooking and trying to keep up with the housework (when I'm not procrastinating by reading blogs). Because of my PCOS and my immune issues, Dr. R. (my RE) has recommended a low glycimic index (GI) diet that is also gluten and dairy free. This means that I cook all my meals from scratch at home, because it is nearly impossible to find pre-prepared food that meets all my dietary requirements. This type of cooking takes about 20 hours per week, sometimes more, sometimes less, but it's worth it to me to be healthy. I sometimes blog about exciting new recipes that allow me to enjoy again favorite foods. Coming soon--a post about gluten free, low GI crackers.
I know that RI can be a controversial subject, but I have been tested and treated for nearly every other possible cause for my miscarriages (there might be some I don't know about, but we've tested for just about everything I've ever heard of) and RI represents my last best hope of actually carrying a pregnancy to term, myself.
P.S. I know that RI can be a controversial subject, but I have been tested and treated for nearly every other possible cause for my miscarriages (there might be some I don't know about, but we've tested for just about everything I've ever heard of), and I now believe that RI represents my last best hope of actually carrying a pregnancy to term. I've made the decision to pursue RI treatment after more than a year of research and deliberation, and I would appreciate your support as I move forward towards my goal of having a baby that is genetically and biologically related to both me and The Mister, even if you disagree with my choice of treatment methods. Thanks.
Thursday, October 20
Full Life
I just realized today that my life is starting to feel full again. After I began having miscarriages, I withdrew from many aspects of life. I dropped a Jazzercise class I had been taking because I hurt my back, but also because I was so sad, and I couldn't hide it, but everyone there was trying to make me happy, and they wouldn't leave me alone. I stopped volunteering at my favorite community farm because it became a meeting place for mom's with toddlers and preschoolers. I stopped going to church because there were too many nosy people and I didn't know what to say when they asked about my life.
But I also began doing some other things, slowly, over course of the past year. I've made several new friends. I teach Sunday School to stay involved at church (instead of attending services) and lead the children's choir. I volunteer as a music docent, and this year I'll be teaching two classes! I taught my first lessons this week, and they went fabulously! I liked the classroom teacher's I'm assigned to, and they made it clear that they like me, too. :-)
There are some things that I've done all along that I still make an effort to do, like going to my local library and the Farmer's Market, that at least get me out of the house. I also still try to walk or ride my bike for errands whenever I can. And so, after the initial disappointment that it will be 5 or 6 months before we can start TTCAL again, I realized that I can handle the wait. Because my life is once again full of fun, exciting activities. And because there is a time-line to the wait, and every few weeks we will be doing something else testing- or treatment-wise that will put us that much closer to getting cleared to start TTCAL again. I've put up a immunology pre-conception check-list in the side-bar, to help myself see that we are getting stuff done, even in this waiting time.
But I also began doing some other things, slowly, over course of the past year. I've made several new friends. I teach Sunday School to stay involved at church (instead of attending services) and lead the children's choir. I volunteer as a music docent, and this year I'll be teaching two classes! I taught my first lessons this week, and they went fabulously! I liked the classroom teacher's I'm assigned to, and they made it clear that they like me, too. :-)
There are some things that I've done all along that I still make an effort to do, like going to my local library and the Farmer's Market, that at least get me out of the house. I also still try to walk or ride my bike for errands whenever I can. And so, after the initial disappointment that it will be 5 or 6 months before we can start TTCAL again, I realized that I can handle the wait. Because my life is once again full of fun, exciting activities. And because there is a time-line to the wait, and every few weeks we will be doing something else testing- or treatment-wise that will put us that much closer to getting cleared to start TTCAL again. I've put up a immunology pre-conception check-list in the side-bar, to help myself see that we are getting stuff done, even in this waiting time.
Thursday, October 13
Reproductive Immunology Consults (and other things)
So, I may have jumped the gun in making that appointment for the second opinion about my immunology issues. My consult with my original RI center was today, and I actually liked the doctor I spoke to (I'm going to call him Dr. I). I was worried about how he would react to the fact that I believe I've been pregnant 5 times, but have never had a BFP (a lot of people get skeptical about that). He did ask some questions, but after I explained, he basically summed it up by asking, "So, you assumed you were pregnant, but never got a positive test?" and I said "Yes," and that was that.
To my relief, Dr. I recommended a much more aggressive protocol than what the otherwise wonderful Dr. R was recommending. Dr. I said that my main issues are elevated cytokines, and low leuko.cyte antibodies. He's not as concerned about the additional clotting disorders, since they are what he calls "minor factors", although, since I have three of them, he will treat them during the first trimester. The low leukoc.yte antibodies were something I wasn't sure about the meaning of, since the word "NEGATIVE" was on the results, and usually that is a good thing, but I had read that these antibodies are protective, so I thought that maybe the result was actually supposed to be "POSITIVE". Turns out, the second interpretation was the correct one, and my le.ukocyte antibodies need to be increased enough that they will protect my babies from my immune system. The cytokines are a protein released by natural killer cells, and that protein is what is attacking my babies. So we want to reduce the level of that protein.
The treatment protocol includes leuk.ocyte immunization therapy (L.IT), for the low leu.kocyte antibodies, and hu.mira and IV.IG for the elevated cytokines, if the LIT alone doesn't bring them down. Dr. I said everything else I was taking looked good, and that he can even get me a cheaper source of progesterone when I run out! He also said that progesterone is important to take, because it is an immune suppressant as well. The only thing he changed was that I shouldn't take the dexamet.hasone next time. Dr. I disagrees with Dr. R, and doesn't think dex helps with cytokines. Dr. R did mention hum.ira back in May, as a possible treatment for the elevated cytokines, but he thought is was overkill. Now, after two more miscarriages I'm ready for this more aggressive protocol.
But I'm not sure if I'm ready to confuse myself by talking to another doctor before I even try this protocol. If we try it and it doesn't work, then it might be worth talking to someone else, but right now . . . See, I found out that the second doctor would have different recommendations. He doesn't use LIT very much. He uses IVIG more. One thing that attracts me about LIT is that's effects can last for months or even years. IVIG doesn't have a lasting effect. It increases your antibodies more temporarily. The second doctor does offer some tests and treatments that Dr. I doesn't utilize, but they seem even more aggressive. How will I know if I really need them, if I don't at least try Dr. I's protocol? And is it worth paying a lot of $$$$ just to confuse myself? Right now, I don't think so . . .
Gah! This journey has so many decisions one must make and so much of it is trial and error that we just don't have time for!
On a lighter note, I finally got my class assignments for my music docenting this year. I'll be teaching two kinder classes, starting this Monday. I am very excited. I just downloaded the Little Bird Dance by the Shenanigans to use as our first "movement activity". It's a good starting one, because it will help me see the kids level of body awareness without too much danger of collisions. It's the chicken dance, but with pretty much all the motions done in place, and most of them done sitting down.
What was a really big deal about this, was that I had to program my computer to be able to download the song. I use Ubuntu (a mostly user-friendly form of linux open source software) as my OS, and the Amazon mp3 downloader isn't compatible with the current version of Ubuntu. It isn't even compatible with the current long term support version of Ubuntu. (Ubuntu gets updated every 6 months. But every 2-3 years they come out with a version that will be supported for next 2-3 years, so you don't have to actually re-install ever 6 months. Those 2-3 year versions are called LTS or long term support, and that's what I use.)
So, I'm pissed at Amazon, for not bothering to at least be compatible with a LTS version of Ubuntu. However, the nice thing about open source is that, if you have a problem with it, someone else has probably had the same problem and posted the fix. Which was the case for me. Of course the fix required a little programming (in terminal), and I forgot some of my programing basics, but I eventually remembered or found them all, and it finally worked! I got the song downloaded and it played and everything!!!!!!! I am so very proud of myself!!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer: Lest you get the wrong impression, I'm really not that big of a geek, but with The Mister being a geek and having all his computers run on Ubuntu, I wanted to be compatible . . . If he'd been an Apple guy, I would have been happy to be an Apple girl. I don't actually have a problem with hermetically sealed boxes, as long as the work. The Mister is the one who wants infinite customization capabilities. But I do want my computer to be compatible with his printer, and I want him to be able to read the documents I send him. So I do it his way. Because in the end, I don't really care, and knowing a little bit of programming can be fun. When it isn't frustrating. It was both this afternoon.
To my relief, Dr. I recommended a much more aggressive protocol than what the otherwise wonderful Dr. R was recommending. Dr. I said that my main issues are elevated cytokines, and low leuko.cyte antibodies. He's not as concerned about the additional clotting disorders, since they are what he calls "minor factors", although, since I have three of them, he will treat them during the first trimester. The low leukoc.yte antibodies were something I wasn't sure about the meaning of, since the word "NEGATIVE" was on the results, and usually that is a good thing, but I had read that these antibodies are protective, so I thought that maybe the result was actually supposed to be "POSITIVE". Turns out, the second interpretation was the correct one, and my le.ukocyte antibodies need to be increased enough that they will protect my babies from my immune system. The cytokines are a protein released by natural killer cells, and that protein is what is attacking my babies. So we want to reduce the level of that protein.
The treatment protocol includes leuk.ocyte immunization therapy (L.IT), for the low leu.kocyte antibodies, and hu.mira and IV.IG for the elevated cytokines, if the LIT alone doesn't bring them down. Dr. I said everything else I was taking looked good, and that he can even get me a cheaper source of progesterone when I run out! He also said that progesterone is important to take, because it is an immune suppressant as well. The only thing he changed was that I shouldn't take the dexamet.hasone next time. Dr. I disagrees with Dr. R, and doesn't think dex helps with cytokines. Dr. R did mention hum.ira back in May, as a possible treatment for the elevated cytokines, but he thought is was overkill. Now, after two more miscarriages I'm ready for this more aggressive protocol.
But I'm not sure if I'm ready to confuse myself by talking to another doctor before I even try this protocol. If we try it and it doesn't work, then it might be worth talking to someone else, but right now . . . See, I found out that the second doctor would have different recommendations. He doesn't use LIT very much. He uses IVIG more. One thing that attracts me about LIT is that's effects can last for months or even years. IVIG doesn't have a lasting effect. It increases your antibodies more temporarily. The second doctor does offer some tests and treatments that Dr. I doesn't utilize, but they seem even more aggressive. How will I know if I really need them, if I don't at least try Dr. I's protocol? And is it worth paying a lot of $$$$ just to confuse myself? Right now, I don't think so . . .
Gah! This journey has so many decisions one must make and so much of it is trial and error that we just don't have time for!
~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~
On a lighter note, I finally got my class assignments for my music docenting this year. I'll be teaching two kinder classes, starting this Monday. I am very excited. I just downloaded the Little Bird Dance by the Shenanigans to use as our first "movement activity". It's a good starting one, because it will help me see the kids level of body awareness without too much danger of collisions. It's the chicken dance, but with pretty much all the motions done in place, and most of them done sitting down.
What was a really big deal about this, was that I had to program my computer to be able to download the song. I use Ubuntu (a mostly user-friendly form of linux open source software) as my OS, and the Amazon mp3 downloader isn't compatible with the current version of Ubuntu. It isn't even compatible with the current long term support version of Ubuntu. (Ubuntu gets updated every 6 months. But every 2-3 years they come out with a version that will be supported for next 2-3 years, so you don't have to actually re-install ever 6 months. Those 2-3 year versions are called LTS or long term support, and that's what I use.)
So, I'm pissed at Amazon, for not bothering to at least be compatible with a LTS version of Ubuntu. However, the nice thing about open source is that, if you have a problem with it, someone else has probably had the same problem and posted the fix. Which was the case for me. Of course the fix required a little programming (in terminal), and I forgot some of my programing basics, but I eventually remembered or found them all, and it finally worked! I got the song downloaded and it played and everything!!!!!!! I am so very proud of myself!!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer: Lest you get the wrong impression, I'm really not that big of a geek, but with The Mister being a geek and having all his computers run on Ubuntu, I wanted to be compatible . . . If he'd been an Apple guy, I would have been happy to be an Apple girl. I don't actually have a problem with hermetically sealed boxes, as long as the work. The Mister is the one who wants infinite customization capabilities. But I do want my computer to be compatible with his printer, and I want him to be able to read the documents I send him. So I do it his way. Because in the end, I don't really care, and knowing a little bit of programming can be fun. When it isn't frustrating. It was both this afternoon.
Saturday, September 10
"We Want Your Story"
The organization that runs the music program where I'm a docent wants to collect their docents' "stories" for an advertising campaign. I wonder if they want mine . . .
I saw an advertisement to become a music docent the month after my second miscarriage. I was looking for alternative ways to bring children into my life, since creating them in the usual way wasn't working so well for me, so I signed up. The training was one of the best and worst experiences I have every had. Learning to teach music, pretending to be children, getting to actually *play* the games and sing the songs we'd be teaching, was wonderful! I had so much fun with that part of it. The problem was that my fellow trainees were all either mothers (or grandmothers) or bright-eyed naive young women with children of their own "sometime" in their future. I wasn't talking about my miscarriages freely. I was too afraid of getting overloaded with unsolicited advice. So I didn't make any connections, just felt bitter and envious of all these lucky mothers I had to spend several hours a week with for 2.5 months.I don't think that's the kind of story they are looking for. They want to hear about the music, and the cute things kids say and do. They want to inspire other people to become docents. But for me, the experience was so much more. It was a challenge and a lifeline all rolled into one. The music was a vehicle for me to interact with children in a scenario that was emotionally safe for *me*. And their request inspired me to tell my music docenting story, even if I don't end up telling it to them.
I made exactly one friend, and she was the docent coordinator. She was sympathetic, and having her know my situation helped me through some rough parts of getting started in the classroom. That was the other complication. The teacher of classroom I was assigned to was ill for several months, and I ended up having to work with 3 or 4 different subs during that time. Communications were sometimes difficult, and I never knew who to expect when I showed up. At least the teachers communicated with each other, so they usually knew to expect me, but one time, even that message didn't get through!
In the midst of all of this confusion, I had my third miscarriage and missed a few weeks of teaching due to that, and then having the flu. The kids were the reason I kept going. Teaching them was a joy, partly because I love music, but also because it gave me 30 minutes out of my week when I wasn't thinking about my infertility, when I felt worthwhile and valued. It also was a wonderful way for me to stay in touch with why I love children and want some of my own. When I see kids with their parents at the supermarket, I focus on the parents. I see the kids almost as possessions or status symbols that I don't have and they do. But when I am in the classroom, I see the children as the individuals they are. I got to know the children in my class. I tried to pay attention to each of them, to help the rowdy ones participate appropriately and the shy ones come out of their shells.
I was able to bring music to 20 children who might not have had it otherwise, and to see their smiling faces every week kept me going through the rough times. Now I've had a total of five miscarriages, and I'm hoping that new testing will yield new information to create a better treatment plan. I hope to stay pregnant the next time I try. But no matter what happens on my family building journey, I'm going to keep teaching music, because it brings a ray of sunshine into the darkness that is my current life.
Thursday, May 12
It's Complicated in Here
In my head, I mean. So many things I'm trying to deal with and figure out. I'm suddenly feeling hopeful again. We'll be TTACL again soon and right now I have hope for a full term pregnancy and live birth. That hope makes it a bit easier to bare small children popping up in unexpected places. That and my new mantra. It's a song I learned in my wannabe-a-midwife days. I always thought of it as a labor song, but yesterday, I figured out that it is equally, if not more apropos to struggling through the land of IF.
I am a bold woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Walking right into the dragon's mouth alone (This line makes me think about how much inner strength it takes for me to go into situations where it is likely that I will see parents with their children.)
I am a brave woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Seeking love and beauty I go on my own
I go on my own (For these lines, I think both about how isolating IF/RPL are in general, and also how, by choosing to try RI, I am a accepting new, unproven treatments, and that isolates me as well, but I am still going for it--seeking the love and beauty that a child will *hopefully* bring into my life.)
Seeking love and beauty
On my quest I go
No matter what my happen I know I will grow
Yes I will grow (This verse seems to be about how I will be changed by the experience of IF. I hope it will make me a better person. I will try to let it mold me into a more compassionate and open-minded person. But like it or not, it will change me, and growth and change go hand in hand.)
That got me through some sticky moments yesterday around a woman with two toddlers. It reminded me that coping with infertility and RPL takes courage. And somehow, I didn't feel so resentful towards that particular mother.
But then there is the other side of things. The complications of finding an RPL group, and really liking the other women there, but feeling very inhibited by not being allowed to talk about my treatments because of the policies of the sponsoring hospital. (Gripe, grumble, groan.) The meeting left me questioning Dr. R.'s and Ms. Bird's strong recommendation that immune treatments are my best hope at a healthy pregnancy, since nearly everyone else there attributed their losses to egg quality (whether or not genetic testing had been done). One of the women said that chemical pregnancies are usually chromosomal abnormalities.
Hearing that left me very confused (neither Dr. R. nor Ms. Bird has brought up egg quality), yet I was never able to voice my concern. I tried to bring it up to facilitator after the meeting, and was talked down. She was so busy explaining why she couldn't allow me to bring up immune treatments and trying to convince me that the other types of emotional support offered would make up for that restriction, that she never stopped to really listen to me. More than anything, her inability to listen to or acknowledge my frustration and confusion was what turned me off. It's too bad, because I did really like some of the women there, and I really would like more in-person connection with other RPL-ers, but I'm not sure if it will be worth biting my tongue on the immunology issues.
Also, I am being required to have my kinder music class put on an end of year performance. I'm sure the parents will enjoy it, and I know that the generosity of the parents is a big part of what keeps the music program going, but I don't think the kids are ready. I think the kids would get a lot more out of continuing our regular classes. I'm frustrated, because there isn't much time to rehearse them, and I have not been focusing on perfecting songs up till now, but I don't want the last few classes of the year to be all work and no fun, and I don't want to put a whole bunch of pressure on the kids. Plus, it means I will have to meet the parents. I don't want to socialize with a bunch of parents! Someone will surly ask if I have kids, and then what will I say? "No." "Not yet." "None living." "Three in Heaven." There is no good answer to that question.
Back on the upside, Ms. Bird worked some magic at my last acupuncture session, and I've been feeling much more relaxed. I tend to clench my teeth, and she needled the muscles in my jaw and they let go! I can't remember the last time my jaw was this relaxed. It feels weird, but good, and I'm sure I'm walking around looking half dazed, with my mouth hanging open, just because it feels so good to have a loose jaw.
Also on the upside, I've been getting up early this week and doing my exercise first thing. Mostly by walking The Mister to the bus. He started taking public transit to work because his company badge gets him a free pass and gas prices are through the roof. It's maybe a 10 minute walk to the bus stop, and another 10 back, and it's very early in the morning, when all is still quiet and the sun is barely rising. It gets my day off to a much better start, and I actually have time to get things done in the morning. It also gives us a little more time together, which is nice, since he gets home a lot later when he takes public transit.
So, like I said, it's complicated here in my head. I'm not sure whether I'm on an upswing or a downswing, but I think I'm coping fairly well. It just is so helpful to get it all out here, in a safe place. Even if finding more IRL support is proving more difficult than I had anticipated, I know that I can always come here. You guys are great! You keep me floating and make me smile with your supportive comments. :-)
I am a bold woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Walking right into the dragon's mouth alone (This line makes me think about how much inner strength it takes for me to go into situations where it is likely that I will see parents with their children.)
I am a brave woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Seeking love and beauty I go on my own
I go on my own (For these lines, I think both about how isolating IF/RPL are in general, and also how, by choosing to try RI, I am a accepting new, unproven treatments, and that isolates me as well, but I am still going for it--seeking the love and beauty that a child will *hopefully* bring into my life.)
Seeking love and beauty
On my quest I go
No matter what my happen I know I will grow
Yes I will grow (This verse seems to be about how I will be changed by the experience of IF. I hope it will make me a better person. I will try to let it mold me into a more compassionate and open-minded person. But like it or not, it will change me, and growth and change go hand in hand.)
That got me through some sticky moments yesterday around a woman with two toddlers. It reminded me that coping with infertility and RPL takes courage. And somehow, I didn't feel so resentful towards that particular mother.
But then there is the other side of things. The complications of finding an RPL group, and really liking the other women there, but feeling very inhibited by not being allowed to talk about my treatments because of the policies of the sponsoring hospital. (Gripe, grumble, groan.) The meeting left me questioning Dr. R.'s and Ms. Bird's strong recommendation that immune treatments are my best hope at a healthy pregnancy, since nearly everyone else there attributed their losses to egg quality (whether or not genetic testing had been done). One of the women said that chemical pregnancies are usually chromosomal abnormalities.
Hearing that left me very confused (neither Dr. R. nor Ms. Bird has brought up egg quality), yet I was never able to voice my concern. I tried to bring it up to facilitator after the meeting, and was talked down. She was so busy explaining why she couldn't allow me to bring up immune treatments and trying to convince me that the other types of emotional support offered would make up for that restriction, that she never stopped to really listen to me. More than anything, her inability to listen to or acknowledge my frustration and confusion was what turned me off. It's too bad, because I did really like some of the women there, and I really would like more in-person connection with other RPL-ers, but I'm not sure if it will be worth biting my tongue on the immunology issues.
Also, I am being required to have my kinder music class put on an end of year performance. I'm sure the parents will enjoy it, and I know that the generosity of the parents is a big part of what keeps the music program going, but I don't think the kids are ready. I think the kids would get a lot more out of continuing our regular classes. I'm frustrated, because there isn't much time to rehearse them, and I have not been focusing on perfecting songs up till now, but I don't want the last few classes of the year to be all work and no fun, and I don't want to put a whole bunch of pressure on the kids. Plus, it means I will have to meet the parents. I don't want to socialize with a bunch of parents! Someone will surly ask if I have kids, and then what will I say? "No." "Not yet." "None living." "Three in Heaven." There is no good answer to that question.
Back on the upside, Ms. Bird worked some magic at my last acupuncture session, and I've been feeling much more relaxed. I tend to clench my teeth, and she needled the muscles in my jaw and they let go! I can't remember the last time my jaw was this relaxed. It feels weird, but good, and I'm sure I'm walking around looking half dazed, with my mouth hanging open, just because it feels so good to have a loose jaw.
Also on the upside, I've been getting up early this week and doing my exercise first thing. Mostly by walking The Mister to the bus. He started taking public transit to work because his company badge gets him a free pass and gas prices are through the roof. It's maybe a 10 minute walk to the bus stop, and another 10 back, and it's very early in the morning, when all is still quiet and the sun is barely rising. It gets my day off to a much better start, and I actually have time to get things done in the morning. It also gives us a little more time together, which is nice, since he gets home a lot later when he takes public transit.
So, like I said, it's complicated here in my head. I'm not sure whether I'm on an upswing or a downswing, but I think I'm coping fairly well. It just is so helpful to get it all out here, in a safe place. Even if finding more IRL support is proving more difficult than I had anticipated, I know that I can always come here. You guys are great! You keep me floating and make me smile with your supportive comments. :-)
Friday, April 22
Bouncing Back
Thanks for the support yesterday. I am doing much better today. I feel bad about complaining about The Mister. He really is moving forward on getting this test run quite quickly. I was just in one of those moods where I suddenly wanted it done *yesterday*!
Part of what sent me into a tailspin were several, seemingly unrelated things I've been reading on various blogs. Several people are in the process of making (or have recently made) the switch from pursuing treatments to pursuing adoption. While I am happy for all of them, reading about their choices reminds me that I may be making that decision for myself someday soon. As I said in my Dollars and $ense post, I don't know what my tipping point will be, but I am certain that I will recognize it when it comes.
At the same time, the first of the pregnant bloggers I've been following just gave birth to her daughter. Reading her birth story has reminded me of just exactly why I want so very much to experience pregnancy and birth at least once.
I also received a very concrete reminder that my MTHFR mutation will put me at increased risk for preeclamsia, prematurity, and stillbirth, all three. I know that this doesn't happen to everyone with MTHFR, but I had managed to keep the "increased risk" statistic as a statistic in my head. One that I was willing to live with. Now, it is suddenly much more concrete . . . My baby could die. I could get really sick. There is no way to predict if that will happen to me or not, but I am at increased risk.
Add these things to my realization that if The Mister has issues with his sperm, it will take at least 90 days for any improvement to occur, and the fact that at this time last year I was pregnant with Astin, and, well, I spiraled into a freak out. The Mister being in a bad mood because of his own stuff just made it that much harder to cope. Things are much better today. The Mister managed to fix the thing that he was freaking out about, and I got a good night's sleep. My music lesson went well and I had a nice walk & talk with Gwyn. Now that everything else has calmed down, I'm able to face the possibility of waiting longer to TTCAL again with more equanimity.
Part of what sent me into a tailspin were several, seemingly unrelated things I've been reading on various blogs. Several people are in the process of making (or have recently made) the switch from pursuing treatments to pursuing adoption. While I am happy for all of them, reading about their choices reminds me that I may be making that decision for myself someday soon. As I said in my Dollars and $ense post, I don't know what my tipping point will be, but I am certain that I will recognize it when it comes.
At the same time, the first of the pregnant bloggers I've been following just gave birth to her daughter. Reading her birth story has reminded me of just exactly why I want so very much to experience pregnancy and birth at least once.
I also received a very concrete reminder that my MTHFR mutation will put me at increased risk for preeclamsia, prematurity, and stillbirth, all three. I know that this doesn't happen to everyone with MTHFR, but I had managed to keep the "increased risk" statistic as a statistic in my head. One that I was willing to live with. Now, it is suddenly much more concrete . . . My baby could die. I could get really sick. There is no way to predict if that will happen to me or not, but I am at increased risk.
Add these things to my realization that if The Mister has issues with his sperm, it will take at least 90 days for any improvement to occur, and the fact that at this time last year I was pregnant with Astin, and, well, I spiraled into a freak out. The Mister being in a bad mood because of his own stuff just made it that much harder to cope. Things are much better today. The Mister managed to fix the thing that he was freaking out about, and I got a good night's sleep. My music lesson went well and I had a nice walk & talk with Gwyn. Now that everything else has calmed down, I'm able to face the possibility of waiting longer to TTCAL again with more equanimity.
Tuesday, March 29
The Elephant in the Weekend
I had a really busy (for me) 3 days this past weekend, starting Friday. By Sunday I was exhausted, and I realized, it was because there had been an elephant in the room, the entire time. Avoiding the elephant that is the pain of dealing with RPL takes a lot of energy. Even when I tell people there's an elephant there, they often act like they see a mouse, instead. Some people are scared of the mouse. Some people think it's no big deal and mostly ignore it. Some people try to trap the mouse and take it outside. Very few people recognize that it's a giant elephant, sitting between us, during every conversation we have. This elephant follows me around and gets between me and every pregnant woman or parent of a baby or toddler that I run into. Sometimes I want to shout at the world, saying:
Other than that big elephant, the things I was busy with were good things. I got positive feedback on my music teaching from the Docent Program Manager, Kim. She actually thought I was doing well enough that another new docent might benefit from observing me! I wasn't expecting that, but I'm willing to have this other docent come in, if she wants to. Kim knows about my miscarriages, and is supportive of my taking a break from docenting in early pregnancy if I need to, which is really good.
I participated in a spring review for the Sunday School teachers at my church. We went over this past year and made plans for next year. I volunteered to teach again next year. I've enjoyed being involved with these children so much, and regardless of how things go, I want to continue teaching. The Sunday School Director, Reba, also knows about my situation and, like Kim, understands that I may need to take some time off in early pregnancy.
I also assisted in my Sunday School classroom this week. It was fine, but after class I had to take the kids back to the front of the church, and there was a mom with a 3 or 4 month old baby there. That was an unexpected shock, but I dealt with it the best I could at the time, and cried as soon as I could find some privacy.
So that was my weekend, how was yours?
Don't you see the elephant? Can't you walk around it? Will you please stop bumping my elephant and making him mad so I have to calm him down?I have to live with this elephant every minute of every day. I don't forget about him. I wish I could talk about him more. I wish I could find a way to wear him on my sleeve. A few people seem to understand what I need--they ofter genuine support and a listening ear. Others don't know what to do, but are willing to learn. Most people think they are being sympathetic and helpful when they offer their own stories, or tell me to keep on going and keep a positive attitude. I try to appreciate the underlying concern and not be too picky, but I don't lean on these people when I'm having a bad day. Luckily, I have a few IRL friends and family members I *can* turn to on bad days, as well as all of you. :-)
Other than that big elephant, the things I was busy with were good things. I got positive feedback on my music teaching from the Docent Program Manager, Kim. She actually thought I was doing well enough that another new docent might benefit from observing me! I wasn't expecting that, but I'm willing to have this other docent come in, if she wants to. Kim knows about my miscarriages, and is supportive of my taking a break from docenting in early pregnancy if I need to, which is really good.
I participated in a spring review for the Sunday School teachers at my church. We went over this past year and made plans for next year. I volunteered to teach again next year. I've enjoyed being involved with these children so much, and regardless of how things go, I want to continue teaching. The Sunday School Director, Reba, also knows about my situation and, like Kim, understands that I may need to take some time off in early pregnancy.
I also assisted in my Sunday School classroom this week. It was fine, but after class I had to take the kids back to the front of the church, and there was a mom with a 3 or 4 month old baby there. That was an unexpected shock, but I dealt with it the best I could at the time, and cried as soon as I could find some privacy.
So that was my weekend, how was yours?
Monday, March 21
ICLW and a Pity Party
First, if your visiting for ICLW, welcome!
Unfortunately, you caught me in a downswing. I'm currently recovering from my third miscarriage and the flu. I'm physically and emotionally really down right now (for more on that, check below the fold). You can read my story and learn more about my journey in the tabs above.
Who am I outside of RPL?
Unfortunately, you caught me in a downswing. I'm currently recovering from my third miscarriage and the flu. I'm physically and emotionally really down right now (for more on that, check below the fold). You can read my story and learn more about my journey in the tabs above.
Who am I outside of RPL?
- Wife to a wonderful man, The Mister, who can usually make me laugh in spite of myself, no matter how angry or sad I may be. :-)
- Volunteer Music Docent at a local public school--I teach one 30 minute lesson per week to a class of 20 Kinders.
- Volunteer Sunday School Teacher at my church--I teach as part of a team of five, so each of us prepares a lesson about once a month, and acts as an assistant at least once a month.
- Volunteer Community Gardener--I'm in the process of exploring a new garden to work at where there *hopefully* will be less likelihood of running into parents of preschoolers. My previous garden had become a hive of the moms-of-under-fives set.
- Craft Artist--I love doing handwork, although I don't have any current projects going. See my Projects Page for pics of some of my creations over the past year.
- Cook--I actually spend 20+ hrs/wk in the kitchen, making most of my/our food from scratch. The Mister generally eats out at work, but we eat at home together most evenings and on the weekends.
Saturday, March 19
Random Ramblings
Somehow, lately, I find it hard to come up with posts. I guess I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I have nothing to "report". We can't do anything more until my cough gets better and I can go in for my immune tests. So I'm trying to fill my days in other ways. Not that I'm succeeding very well. I'm still spending a lot of time on-line, reading other people's blogs, but then I have nothing to say, no comments to add. I try to make myself at least say, "Hi, I was here, I'm thinking of you," because I want people to know I stopped by, but I have nothing spectacular to add to the conversation . . .
I've been thinking a lot, though, about the things I've read. It's just hard to organize my thoughts into a post. I read about someone taking her life back, and I think I want to do that but I don't know how. I've been trying to imagine taking my life back, not letting my miscarriages rule my life, but I can't see any way to do it without becoming a very different person. I think it would involve going back to school and finding a career I could pour my energy into. I think it will be hard for me to move beyond recurrent pregnancy loss without either becoming a mother or making a conscious decision to live child free. I'm not ready to stop pursuing motherhood, and I don't know how to take my life back while continuing to focus on that goal.
I do small things. My teaching as a Music Docent and at Sunday School gives me a secondary focus. It really helps me feel good about myself when a lesson goes well. My latest music lesson went quite well. I planned plenty of activities and was able to keep the kids attention by keeping things moving. I even got them to shut their mouths and focus on rhythm patterns for nearly 5 minutes! I was surprised and pleased at how much they enjoyed that. It made me feel much more confident about the possibility of introducing some rhythm instruments soon.
I've stopped going to the community garden I was working at, and I both miss it and don't miss it. I miss the active work, the healthy food, the contact with nature and growing things. I don't miss being surrounded by parents of toddlers. I don't miss feeling jealous and bitter and out-of-place. I was telling a friend about this, and she suggested I look into a different community garden, one that is less focused on families. Although they don't post a minimum age, they only actively encourage families to come once a month. I think I would be more likely to work with adults and adolescents there. It sounds like it's worth a try.
Another thing that has been on my mind is alternate paths to parenthood. I'm percolating a lot of swirling ideas around the various paths and possibilities open to us. Immunology probably offers our best hope of biological, genetically related offspring. Adoption might be a faster path to parenthood. Surrogacy would maintain the genetic link. There are other choices as well, each with its own advantages and drawbacks. Perhaps there's a post in there, when I've thought things through a bit more. For now, I'm trying to puzzle things out in my head, and not quite ready to publish my thoughts. Some of them seem very controversial.
Still another thing on my mind is activism and raising awareness. How do you raise awareness in people who don't want to take the time to listen? How do you educate people who can't or won't learn? I know that for me, the thing that changed how I viewed pregnancy loss was experience. Before my miscarriages, I heard stories about stillbirth with different ears than I do now. Somehow, I never heard the part about how devastating it was. I only heard that it is rare and that people went on to have subsequent, living children. I didn't hear the part about how fear creeps into your heart. I didn't hear the part about how the pain and grief never goes away. I did recognize that the fact that it happened wasn't forgotten, but I didn't understand that the baby was real to his or her parents. Were these things not spoken? Or did I simply fail to hear or remember or identify?
I want to share my story, to raise awareness about recurrent pregnancy loss, but I want to wait to share until my story has a happy ending. I think that waiting until I have a living child to share my story will make it easier for me to let people's ignorance and lack of understanding roll off me. Then I wonder if waiting to tell my story will, in some ways, defeat the purpose. If I tell my story now, it is one of pain and fear and hopelessness. Will those emotions even show up in a story that has a happy ending? What do I want to raise awareness about? Do I want to share RPL as a fact, or do I want to help people understand the painful emotions connected with the experience of living through multiple pregnancy losses? If I want to raise awareness about the emotional aspect of RPL, would it not be more effective to share my experience now, while the emotions are fresh and raw? If people see me happy and enjoying a living child, will it be hard for them to give any weight to my assertions that going through multiple losses is painful? How do I balance my desire to raise awareness against my need to protect myself?
I thought I had nothing to say, but actually, I have so much to say it is simply hard to know where to begin or what to focus on.
I've been thinking a lot, though, about the things I've read. It's just hard to organize my thoughts into a post. I read about someone taking her life back, and I think I want to do that but I don't know how. I've been trying to imagine taking my life back, not letting my miscarriages rule my life, but I can't see any way to do it without becoming a very different person. I think it would involve going back to school and finding a career I could pour my energy into. I think it will be hard for me to move beyond recurrent pregnancy loss without either becoming a mother or making a conscious decision to live child free. I'm not ready to stop pursuing motherhood, and I don't know how to take my life back while continuing to focus on that goal.
I do small things. My teaching as a Music Docent and at Sunday School gives me a secondary focus. It really helps me feel good about myself when a lesson goes well. My latest music lesson went quite well. I planned plenty of activities and was able to keep the kids attention by keeping things moving. I even got them to shut their mouths and focus on rhythm patterns for nearly 5 minutes! I was surprised and pleased at how much they enjoyed that. It made me feel much more confident about the possibility of introducing some rhythm instruments soon.
I've stopped going to the community garden I was working at, and I both miss it and don't miss it. I miss the active work, the healthy food, the contact with nature and growing things. I don't miss being surrounded by parents of toddlers. I don't miss feeling jealous and bitter and out-of-place. I was telling a friend about this, and she suggested I look into a different community garden, one that is less focused on families. Although they don't post a minimum age, they only actively encourage families to come once a month. I think I would be more likely to work with adults and adolescents there. It sounds like it's worth a try.
Another thing that has been on my mind is alternate paths to parenthood. I'm percolating a lot of swirling ideas around the various paths and possibilities open to us. Immunology probably offers our best hope of biological, genetically related offspring. Adoption might be a faster path to parenthood. Surrogacy would maintain the genetic link. There are other choices as well, each with its own advantages and drawbacks. Perhaps there's a post in there, when I've thought things through a bit more. For now, I'm trying to puzzle things out in my head, and not quite ready to publish my thoughts. Some of them seem very controversial.
Still another thing on my mind is activism and raising awareness. How do you raise awareness in people who don't want to take the time to listen? How do you educate people who can't or won't learn? I know that for me, the thing that changed how I viewed pregnancy loss was experience. Before my miscarriages, I heard stories about stillbirth with different ears than I do now. Somehow, I never heard the part about how devastating it was. I only heard that it is rare and that people went on to have subsequent, living children. I didn't hear the part about how fear creeps into your heart. I didn't hear the part about how the pain and grief never goes away. I did recognize that the fact that it happened wasn't forgotten, but I didn't understand that the baby was real to his or her parents. Were these things not spoken? Or did I simply fail to hear or remember or identify?
I want to share my story, to raise awareness about recurrent pregnancy loss, but I want to wait to share until my story has a happy ending. I think that waiting until I have a living child to share my story will make it easier for me to let people's ignorance and lack of understanding roll off me. Then I wonder if waiting to tell my story will, in some ways, defeat the purpose. If I tell my story now, it is one of pain and fear and hopelessness. Will those emotions even show up in a story that has a happy ending? What do I want to raise awareness about? Do I want to share RPL as a fact, or do I want to help people understand the painful emotions connected with the experience of living through multiple pregnancy losses? If I want to raise awareness about the emotional aspect of RPL, would it not be more effective to share my experience now, while the emotions are fresh and raw? If people see me happy and enjoying a living child, will it be hard for them to give any weight to my assertions that going through multiple losses is painful? How do I balance my desire to raise awareness against my need to protect myself?
I thought I had nothing to say, but actually, I have so much to say it is simply hard to know where to begin or what to focus on.
Thursday, February 24
Poppy's Songs
These two songs belong to Poppy and my memories of her brief time with me. I'll be putting them up on the music page long term, but I wanted to give them their own post, first.
The first is Averil Lavigne's song Slipped Away, which is very popular with miscarriage survivors and BLM's. For some reason, it never resonated with me until this past Friday. I literally felt Poppy slip away from me over the course of that day, even though AF didn't show up until later. Since then, the chorus of "Slipped Away" has been running through my head most of the time.
The other song is one Brittany over at Loving Cora Ray introduced me to in this post. I listened to it with Poppy, and began to plan to learn it so I could sing it to her. I'm still going to learn it. It's a beautiful song.
The first is Averil Lavigne's song Slipped Away, which is very popular with miscarriage survivors and BLM's. For some reason, it never resonated with me until this past Friday. I literally felt Poppy slip away from me over the course of that day, even though AF didn't show up until later. Since then, the chorus of "Slipped Away" has been running through my head most of the time.
The other song is one Brittany over at Loving Cora Ray introduced me to in this post. I listened to it with Poppy, and began to plan to learn it so I could sing it to her. I'm still going to learn it. It's a beautiful song.
Wednesday, February 23
"You'll Be Such a Good Mom"
I've heard that phrase over and over for years and years. While I always appreciated the complementary intent, it has always bothered me, at least a little. For starters, it's usually based on the fact that I'm good with other people's kids. Taking care of other people's children is not the same as taking care of your own. I know that. I'm very aware that being able to hand the kids back to the parents at the end of the day and go home to a quiet house is not at all the same as being "on" 24/7 as a parent.
Second, hearing those words only highlights the fact that I'm not a mom, yet. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom, but it has taken far longer than I ever expected. My longing for children of my own began long before puberty. I've had baby-lust all my life. It was manageable when I was single, because I thought that all it would take would be meeting Mr. Right, getting married and BDing a few times. The baby-lust only became excruciating after the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage began. The knowledge that so many people think I'd make a great mom is painful now, too. It almost feels like a burden, as if I am somehow letting down these would-be prophets.
Fortunately, no one has said that phrase to me recently. I only remembered it because it shows up in one of my current favorite music videos: I Would Die for That (it's on my music page; I watch it whenever I need a good cry). One of the women holds up a sign that says "Would be a great Mom" at about 1m 5s into the song. I suddenly remembered how often I used to hear that and wondered what the people who used tell me that would think, if they knew the h*!! I'm going through now. Seeing that yesterday felt like getting sucker-punched in the gut, as if, all this time, the universe has been setting me up to take one enormous pratt-fall. God? Are you up there laughing at the pitifulness of how my dearest hopes have been smashed to dust? I sure hope you're enjoying watching the reality show of my life, cause it would be such a waste otherwise. I mean, it really sucks to live through this, but as long as I know someone is getting a laugh, I guess I can grin and bear it for your sake.
Second, hearing those words only highlights the fact that I'm not a mom, yet. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom, but it has taken far longer than I ever expected. My longing for children of my own began long before puberty. I've had baby-lust all my life. It was manageable when I was single, because I thought that all it would take would be meeting Mr. Right, getting married and BDing a few times. The baby-lust only became excruciating after the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage began. The knowledge that so many people think I'd make a great mom is painful now, too. It almost feels like a burden, as if I am somehow letting down these would-be prophets.
Fortunately, no one has said that phrase to me recently. I only remembered it because it shows up in one of my current favorite music videos: I Would Die for That (it's on my music page; I watch it whenever I need a good cry). One of the women holds up a sign that says "Would be a great Mom" at about 1m 5s into the song. I suddenly remembered how often I used to hear that and wondered what the people who used tell me that would think, if they knew the h*!! I'm going through now. Seeing that yesterday felt like getting sucker-punched in the gut, as if, all this time, the universe has been setting me up to take one enormous pratt-fall. God? Are you up there laughing at the pitifulness of how my dearest hopes have been smashed to dust? I sure hope you're enjoying watching the reality show of my life, cause it would be such a waste otherwise. I mean, it really sucks to live through this, but as long as I know someone is getting a laugh, I guess I can grin and bear it for your sake.
Sunday, February 13
The Original Teacher Is:
Fabulous! I've done two lessons since she has been back and it turns out that most of my worries were groundless. She even participated in part of a lesson, which was great! She also keeps the classroom very calm and under tight control, which makes it easier for me to keep things in control. Her version of things getting out of hand is the other two teachers' version of normal.
Communication between us is going okay so far. I was a little worried when she was slow in responding to my first e-mail (to schedule a start-up conference), so I called the office and left a message for her there on Wed. She got back to me by e-mail on Thurs., and we had our conference on Fri. During the conference she was chatty and friendly, and I felt at ease. I even ended up mentioning my miscarriages. She said something about how I needed to get some kids so I'd have more toys in my house (she suggested I bring in toys as props sometimes). I said we were working on that, it wasn't going as well as we'd like, I'd had two miscarriages, and we were trying to prevent a third. She said something like, "It'll happen when it's time," and I inwardly rolled my eyes and let it drop. Still, I'm glad it came up. Now, if I have to go on bed rest to keep the next pregnancy or (God forbid) have a 3rd miscarriage, I'll be able to be honest about the reason. I may regret it later, but for now, I'm glad I was open with her.
One thing that surprised me was that she said they don't do Black History Month. Apparently the kindergarten curriculum is so full that they don't have time for Black History (although they seem to have time to spend a week or two on Valentine's Day). What is up with that? I hope it gets covered in the older grades--I think it's really important to cover all aspects of our nation's history, especially the parts we're not so proud of. I'm debating whether to go ahead and bring in the recording of Follow the Drinking Gourd I had planned for next week or not. The teacher said the class would be covering President's Day and asked me to teach them a patriotic song. I agree with her that it's good to know patriotic songs, but I'm still trying to figure out if I can't fit in a little Black History, too. I can't do it the following week, because they're on break. Maybe I'll bring it in later in the year . . .
Communication between us is going okay so far. I was a little worried when she was slow in responding to my first e-mail (to schedule a start-up conference), so I called the office and left a message for her there on Wed. She got back to me by e-mail on Thurs., and we had our conference on Fri. During the conference she was chatty and friendly, and I felt at ease. I even ended up mentioning my miscarriages. She said something about how I needed to get some kids so I'd have more toys in my house (she suggested I bring in toys as props sometimes). I said we were working on that, it wasn't going as well as we'd like, I'd had two miscarriages, and we were trying to prevent a third. She said something like, "It'll happen when it's time," and I inwardly rolled my eyes and let it drop. Still, I'm glad it came up. Now, if I have to go on bed rest to keep the next pregnancy or (God forbid) have a 3rd miscarriage, I'll be able to be honest about the reason. I may regret it later, but for now, I'm glad I was open with her.
One thing that surprised me was that she said they don't do Black History Month. Apparently the kindergarten curriculum is so full that they don't have time for Black History (although they seem to have time to spend a week or two on Valentine's Day). What is up with that? I hope it gets covered in the older grades--I think it's really important to cover all aspects of our nation's history, especially the parts we're not so proud of. I'm debating whether to go ahead and bring in the recording of Follow the Drinking Gourd I had planned for next week or not. The teacher said the class would be covering President's Day and asked me to teach them a patriotic song. I agree with her that it's good to know patriotic songs, but I'm still trying to figure out if I can't fit in a little Black History, too. I can't do it the following week, because they're on break. Maybe I'll bring it in later in the year . . .
Friday, January 28
Music Update
Thanks so much for your supportive comments yesterday. I helps to know that you're all thinking of me. Things are better today. The Mister and I had a nice evening together last night, and then I had good night's sleep. I woke up feeling a much better this morning.
I managed to pull off the music lesson this afternoon, although one of the games I had planned had to be scrapped. It was a partner dance that I thought would be easy, but it disintegrated into a mess of "I don't want him/her," which I thought would be resolved when the kids figured out that the point was to change partners. Unfortunately, then the other half of the class started saying, "I want to stay with my original partner," so I gave up. I didn't think I could explain how it would work, and I'd lost the class's attention, anyway. Luckily, I had some extra songs planned, just in case, and one of them turned out to be a hit. Probably because it was supposed to say, "Who fed the chickens?" and I kept messing it up and saying, "Who stole the chickens?" Of course the kids thought that was hilarious! Anything to keep them entertained, even my mistakes. :-)
Then, the new sub told me that the original classroom teacher is going to be back on Monday. I sincerely hope this is the last change of teachers these kids have to go through. It must be really hard on them, constantly having to adjust to a different teacher and a different teaching style. I'm disappointed for myself, though, because the original teacher seemed really hard to connect with last fall, and I need to set up a meeting with her to go over some paperwork. Both the subs have been easier for me to work with than I remember the original teacher being. Oh well, I'll do the best I can . . . *shrug*
I managed to pull off the music lesson this afternoon, although one of the games I had planned had to be scrapped. It was a partner dance that I thought would be easy, but it disintegrated into a mess of "I don't want him/her," which I thought would be resolved when the kids figured out that the point was to change partners. Unfortunately, then the other half of the class started saying, "I want to stay with my original partner," so I gave up. I didn't think I could explain how it would work, and I'd lost the class's attention, anyway. Luckily, I had some extra songs planned, just in case, and one of them turned out to be a hit. Probably because it was supposed to say, "Who fed the chickens?" and I kept messing it up and saying, "Who stole the chickens?" Of course the kids thought that was hilarious! Anything to keep them entertained, even my mistakes. :-)
Then, the new sub told me that the original classroom teacher is going to be back on Monday. I sincerely hope this is the last change of teachers these kids have to go through. It must be really hard on them, constantly having to adjust to a different teacher and a different teaching style. I'm disappointed for myself, though, because the original teacher seemed really hard to connect with last fall, and I need to set up a meeting with her to go over some paperwork. Both the subs have been easier for me to work with than I remember the original teacher being. Oh well, I'll do the best I can . . . *shrug*
Thursday, January 27
Sad Day
Just really sad today. No good reason. AF showed up yesterday, but I don't think that's it. I think a lot of it is missing my babies. January--the month I thought I would be due. I didn't get far enough along to fix my mind on a due-date, just a due-month. Which means the whole f-ing month is hard. Next time, I'm going to memorize that due-date as fast as possible, so that if I do miscarry, I won't have to grieve hard through a whole f-ing month--I can fixate on one day, instead.
I watched a sad movie this afternoon, which didn't help.
I also had a therapy session today, and it was kind of intense. I've been feeling kind of impatient with the cognitive-behavioral approach Dr. Black has been taking so far. It seems like mind-games to me. Instead of asking me why I thought the "coping mechanisms" seemed like mind-games, Dr. Black just told me not to call them that. Which irritated me more. She wants me to think of them as ways to sooth myself. But they don't f-ing work! Sure, maybe for a few hours or a day, but then the anger comes right back. I think I must have finally gotten this across to her, because she suggested taking a different direction and doing some EMDR, which seems like a good option. I do have some serious childhood trauma to recover from, and the EMDR should help with that. I think one of the main reasons I am so angry these days is that the lack of control I feel following RPL mirrors the lack of control over my life that I felt as a child.
It's just really hard right now. For some reason, all these feelings are on the surface and I can barely function. I have to go in and teach another music lesson tomorrow, and I'm barely prepared. I hope I make it through.
I watched a sad movie this afternoon, which didn't help.
I also had a therapy session today, and it was kind of intense. I've been feeling kind of impatient with the cognitive-behavioral approach Dr. Black has been taking so far. It seems like mind-games to me. Instead of asking me why I thought the "coping mechanisms" seemed like mind-games, Dr. Black just told me not to call them that. Which irritated me more. She wants me to think of them as ways to sooth myself. But they don't f-ing work! Sure, maybe for a few hours or a day, but then the anger comes right back. I think I must have finally gotten this across to her, because she suggested taking a different direction and doing some EMDR, which seems like a good option. I do have some serious childhood trauma to recover from, and the EMDR should help with that. I think one of the main reasons I am so angry these days is that the lack of control I feel following RPL mirrors the lack of control over my life that I felt as a child.
It's just really hard right now. For some reason, all these feelings are on the surface and I can barely function. I have to go in and teach another music lesson tomorrow, and I'm barely prepared. I hope I make it through.
Friday, January 21
First Thirty Minute Music Lesson
It went fabulously!!! I actually got so caught up in teaching, I went over-time. At some point, I forgot it was only a half hour lesson and thought I had to fill an hour! Luckily for my own sanity, I remembered just past the half hour mark. :-) I did have one discipline issue that took a full two minutes to sort out (that's a long time in a room full of Kindergarteners) but I managed and got the class back on track. I feel so proud of myself. The children were engaged and participating, and I was able to keep things moving and transition from one activity to the next and everything. Whew!
The new sub is fine. She's familiar with the music program I work with and gave me her contact info and agreed to set up a meeting (some paperwork from the organization that runs the music program). She even helped out with most of the discipline. The only reason that one situation started to get out of hand was that the teacher had stepped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I guess she must have thought I was handling things well if she felt comfortable leaving the room, so that's a sort of compliment, I think.
Anyway, just had to share. I'm very happy and relieved!
For anyone who is stopping by from ICLW, see then next post down for more info about me. :-)
The new sub is fine. She's familiar with the music program I work with and gave me her contact info and agreed to set up a meeting (some paperwork from the organization that runs the music program). She even helped out with most of the discipline. The only reason that one situation started to get out of hand was that the teacher had stepped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I guess she must have thought I was handling things well if she felt comfortable leaving the room, so that's a sort of compliment, I think.
Anyway, just had to share. I'm very happy and relieved!
For anyone who is stopping by from ICLW, see then next post down for more info about me. :-)
Jan 2011 ICLW
Hi! Welcome ICLWers!
I'm an alternative-minded homemaker who always planned to be a stay-at-home mom. Last spring, my plans were derailed by two very early miscarriages which eventually resulted in the discovery that I have insulin resistance and two copies of a mutation called MTHFR both of which can cause multiple pregnancy complications.
(For a discussion of how insulin resistance affects pregnancy, please visit this page (I'm not endorsing the PCOS program these people promote, they just had the best description of the effects of insulin resistance on pregnancy that I could find). For an explanation of how MTHFR affects pregnancy, please read this post. And no, it doesn't stand for mother f-er, it just looks like that.) ;-)
When I'm not on-line blogging about RPL, grief, and trying again, I cook, volunteer in the educational garden at a community farm, knit, listen to music and audio books, and teach music to kindergardeners.
For a narrative-style re-cap of our history, check out this page. A brief re-cap follows below:
Fall 2007: The Mister and I meet and start dating.
Fall 2009: Wedding Bells!
Spring 2010: Throw out B/C
April 2010: Suspect pregnancy, but miscarry before getting a BFP
May 2010: Suspect pregnancy again, and again miscarry before getting a BFP
Summer 2010: Take 3 months off to recover physically and emoitionally
Sept 2010: Realize I want to find out what went wrong and do something about it before trying again.
Oct-Nov 2010: Meet with various western and alternative fertility specialists, choose an RE (Dr. R) and acupuncturist (Ms. Bird)
Nov 2010: Western diagnosis: insulin resistance/polycystic ovaries and MTHFR C677T homo. Begin meds. Also begin additional supplements to correct low iron and vit. D levels.
Dec 2010: Chinese diagnosis: Blood Deficiency, begin herbs to build blood, begin to think about trying again.
Experience serious emotional upheaval as a result of strain from trying to make decisions based on limited information. Begin seeing a therapist (Dr. Black).
Jan 2011: Decide to wait to try again until blood deficiency improved. This means waiting at least one more cycle after the current cycle. Earliest possible TTC date: March 2011
AFM: I'm coping pretty well these days. Things aren't easy, but I am at least semi-functional. I am, however, really feeling the lack of my babies this month, with a would-have-been due date at both ends of it and no new pregnancy on the immediate horizon. However, other things in my life are going quite well. I had a good time in the garden where I volunteer this week, therapy and acupuncture continue to be helpful, and I am looking forward to teaching my first full-length (only thirty minutes ;-) Kindergarten music lesson at 1:30 pm today--I've even confirmed that the new sub knows I'm coming!
And a final request: please stop by Rain's Blog and send her some love--she's going through a difficult transition right now.
I'm an alternative-minded homemaker who always planned to be a stay-at-home mom. Last spring, my plans were derailed by two very early miscarriages which eventually resulted in the discovery that I have insulin resistance and two copies of a mutation called MTHFR both of which can cause multiple pregnancy complications.
(For a discussion of how insulin resistance affects pregnancy, please visit this page (I'm not endorsing the PCOS program these people promote, they just had the best description of the effects of insulin resistance on pregnancy that I could find). For an explanation of how MTHFR affects pregnancy, please read this post. And no, it doesn't stand for mother f-er, it just looks like that.) ;-)
When I'm not on-line blogging about RPL, grief, and trying again, I cook, volunteer in the educational garden at a community farm, knit, listen to music and audio books, and teach music to kindergardeners.
For a narrative-style re-cap of our history, check out this page. A brief re-cap follows below:
Fall 2007: The Mister and I meet and start dating.
Fall 2009: Wedding Bells!
Spring 2010: Throw out B/C
April 2010: Suspect pregnancy, but miscarry before getting a BFP
May 2010: Suspect pregnancy again, and again miscarry before getting a BFP
Summer 2010: Take 3 months off to recover physically and emoitionally
Sept 2010: Realize I want to find out what went wrong and do something about it before trying again.
Oct-Nov 2010: Meet with various western and alternative fertility specialists, choose an RE (Dr. R) and acupuncturist (Ms. Bird)
Nov 2010: Western diagnosis: insulin resistance/polycystic ovaries and MTHFR C677T homo. Begin meds. Also begin additional supplements to correct low iron and vit. D levels.
Dec 2010: Chinese diagnosis: Blood Deficiency, begin herbs to build blood, begin to think about trying again.
Experience serious emotional upheaval as a result of strain from trying to make decisions based on limited information. Begin seeing a therapist (Dr. Black).
Jan 2011: Decide to wait to try again until blood deficiency improved. This means waiting at least one more cycle after the current cycle. Earliest possible TTC date: March 2011
~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~
AFM: I'm coping pretty well these days. Things aren't easy, but I am at least semi-functional. I am, however, really feeling the lack of my babies this month, with a would-have-been due date at both ends of it and no new pregnancy on the immediate horizon. However, other things in my life are going quite well. I had a good time in the garden where I volunteer this week, therapy and acupuncture continue to be helpful, and I am looking forward to teaching my first full-length (only thirty minutes ;-) Kindergarten music lesson at 1:30 pm today--I've even confirmed that the new sub knows I'm coming!
And a final request: please stop by Rain's Blog and send her some love--she's going through a difficult transition right now.
Friday, January 14
Music and Fertility
I taught my first music lesson today. I did a half lesson, (15 min) and it was easier than I expected. I'm going to plan a full 30 minutes for next week. I remember that in the fall I was quite intimidated by the idea of creating lesson plans and teaching every week, but now I'm feeling much more confident. The kids caught on quickly and were, for the most part, well behaved. I was able to keep the disturbances to a minimum.
The only bummer was finding out that the long term sub, whom I really liked, is leaving. Today was his last day. Someone else will be taking his place, possibly for the rest of the school year. So yet another upheaval for this classroom. I hope, now that my schedule is set, the transition will go smoothly for me. I hope I won't have to do much re-negotiating with the new teacher. That was the really difficult part, and the reason why it took me so long to get into the classroom. I was supposed to start teaching back in October! Anyway, now I'm in, and on the schedule, things should go well.
The only bummer was finding out that the long term sub, whom I really liked, is leaving. Today was his last day. Someone else will be taking his place, possibly for the rest of the school year. So yet another upheaval for this classroom. I hope, now that my schedule is set, the transition will go smoothly for me. I hope I won't have to do much re-negotiating with the new teacher. That was the really difficult part, and the reason why it took me so long to get into the classroom. I was supposed to start teaching back in October! Anyway, now I'm in, and on the schedule, things should go well.
~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~
In other news, I talked to Ms. Bird today about my blood deficiency. She said she has already seen some improvement, and a couple more months should be enough to give me a good foundation for pregnancy. She did a couple of new fertility points on my hands today--on my fingers. Ouch! They were really intense for the first few minutes, but then things backed off and I barely noticed them for the rest of the session. She said the intensity is a good sign, it means those are working and that I really need them. One is specific to miscarriage prevention, and I figure I can take a few minutes of discomfort each week if it will increase my chances of carrying to term!
I got another set of ear-balls (of course) and also some acupressure points to work on my own at home, to help with my lower back pain.
I'm doing well, emotionally, with this change in my plans for when to get pregnant. I've accepted that it is for the best, and I am a bit relieved to have more time to get things together before we start TTC for real. One thing I'm working on is deciding on a good calcium supplement. I hear that Love.nox leached calcium from your bones, and I don't want to end up with osteoporosis! I asked Ms. Bird, but she said to ask at Whole Foods. I was hoping to avoid that. Oh, well, I guess those Whole Body folks know their stuff . . . I'm open to suggestions if any of my readers has a favorite cal/mag supplement.
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