"We Want Your Story"

The organization that runs the music program where I'm a docent wants to collect their docents' "stories" for an advertising campaign. I wonder if they want mine . . .

I saw an advertisement to become a music docent the month after my second miscarriage. I was looking for alternative ways to bring children into my life, since creating them in the usual way wasn't working so well for me, so I signed up. The training was one of the best and worst experiences I have every had. Learning to teach music, pretending to be children, getting to actually *play* the games and sing the songs we'd be teaching, was wonderful! I had so much fun with that part of it. The problem was that my fellow trainees were all either mothers (or grandmothers) or bright-eyed naive young women with children of their own "sometime" in their future. I wasn't talking about my miscarriages freely. I was too afraid of getting overloaded with unsolicited advice. So I didn't make any connections, just felt bitter and envious of all these lucky mothers I had to spend several hours a week with for 2.5 months.

I made exactly one friend, and she was the docent coordinator. She was sympathetic, and having her know my situation helped me through some rough parts of getting started in the classroom. That was the other complication. The teacher of classroom I was assigned to was ill for several months, and I ended up having to work with 3 or 4 different subs during that time. Communications were sometimes difficult, and I never knew who to expect when I showed up. At least the teachers communicated with each other, so they usually knew to expect me, but one time, even that message didn't get through!

In the midst of all of this confusion, I had my third miscarriage and missed a few weeks of teaching due to that, and then having the flu. The kids were the reason I kept going. Teaching them was a joy, partly because I love music, but also because it gave me 30 minutes out of my week when I wasn't thinking about my infertility, when I felt worthwhile and valued. It also was a wonderful way for me to stay in touch with why I love children and want some of my own. When I see kids with their parents at the supermarket, I focus on the parents. I see the kids almost as possessions or status symbols that I don't have and they do. But when I am in the classroom, I see the children as the individuals they are. I got to know the children in my class. I tried to pay attention to each of them, to help the rowdy ones participate appropriately and the shy ones come out of their shells.

I was able to bring music to 20 children who might not have had it otherwise, and to see their smiling faces every week kept me going through the rough times. Now I've had a total of five miscarriages, and I'm hoping that new testing will yield new information to create a better treatment plan. I hope to stay pregnant the next time I try. But no matter what happens on my family building journey, I'm going to keep teaching music, because it brings a ray of sunshine into the darkness that is my current life.

I don't think that's the kind of story they are looking for. They want to hear about the music, and the cute things kids say and do. They want to inspire other people to become docents. But for me, the experience was so much more. It was a challenge and a lifeline all rolled into one. The music was a vehicle for me to interact with children in a scenario that was emotionally safe for *me*. And their request inspired me to tell my music docenting story, even if I don't end up telling it to them.

It's Complicated in Here

In my head, I mean. So many things I'm trying to deal with and figure out. I'm suddenly feeling hopeful again. We'll be TTACL again soon and right now I have hope for a full term pregnancy and live birth. That hope makes it a bit easier to bare small children popping up in unexpected places. That and my new mantra. It's a song I learned in my wannabe-a-midwife days. I always thought of it as a labor song, but yesterday, I figured out that it is equally, if not more apropos to struggling through the land of IF.

I am a bold woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Walking right into the dragon's mouth alone (This line makes me think about how much inner strength it takes for me to go into situations where it is likely that I will see parents with their children.)

I am a brave woman
I am such a brave bold woman
Seeking love and beauty I go on my own
I go on my own (For these lines, I think both about how isolating IF/RPL are in general, and also how, by choosing to try RI, I am a accepting new, unproven treatments, and that isolates me as well, but I am still going for it--seeking the love and beauty that a child will *hopefully* bring into my life.)

Seeking love and beauty
On my quest I go
No matter what my happen I know I will grow
Yes I will grow (This verse seems to be about how I will be changed by the experience of IF. I hope it will make me a better person. I will try to let it mold me into a more compassionate and open-minded person. But like it or not, it will change me, and growth and change go hand in hand.)

That got me through some sticky moments yesterday around a woman with two toddlers. It reminded me that coping with infertility and RPL takes courage. And somehow, I didn't feel so resentful towards that particular mother.

But then there is the other side of things. The complications of finding an RPL group, and really liking the other women there, but feeling very inhibited by not being allowed to talk about my treatments because of the policies of the sponsoring hospital. (Gripe, grumble, groan.) The meeting left me questioning Dr. R.'s and Ms. Bird's strong recommendation that immune treatments are my best hope at a healthy pregnancy, since nearly everyone else there attributed their losses to egg quality (whether or not genetic testing had been done). One of the women said that chemical pregnancies are usually chromosomal abnormalities.

Hearing that left me very confused (neither Dr. R. nor Ms. Bird has brought up egg quality), yet I was never able to voice my concern. I tried to bring it up to facilitator after the meeting, and was talked down. She was so busy explaining why she couldn't allow me to bring up immune treatments and trying to convince me that the other types of emotional support offered would make up for that restriction, that she never stopped to really listen to me. More than anything, her inability to listen to or acknowledge my frustration and confusion was what turned me off. It's too bad, because I did really like some of the women there, and I really would like more in-person connection with other RPL-ers, but I'm not sure if it will be worth biting my tongue on the immunology issues.

Also, I am being required to have my kinder music class put on an end of year performance. I'm sure the parents will enjoy it, and I know that the generosity of the parents is a big part of what keeps the music program going, but I don't think the kids are ready. I think the kids would get a lot more out of continuing our regular classes. I'm frustrated, because there isn't much time to rehearse them, and I have not been focusing on perfecting songs up till now, but I don't want the last few classes of the year to be all work and no fun, and I don't want to put a whole bunch of pressure on the kids. Plus, it means I will have to meet the parents. I don't want to socialize with a bunch of parents! Someone will surly ask if I have kids, and then what will I say? "No." "Not yet." "None living." "Three in Heaven." There is no good answer to that question.

Back on the upside, Ms. Bird worked some magic at my last acupuncture session, and I've been feeling much more relaxed. I tend to clench my teeth, and she needled the muscles in my jaw and they let go! I can't remember the last time my jaw was this relaxed. It feels weird, but good, and I'm sure I'm walking around looking half dazed, with my mouth hanging open, just because it feels so good to have a loose jaw.

Also on the upside, I've been getting up early this week and doing my exercise first thing. Mostly by walking The Mister to the bus. He started taking public transit to work because his company badge gets him a free pass and gas prices are through the roof. It's maybe a 10 minute walk to the bus stop, and another 10 back, and it's very early in the morning, when all is still quiet and the sun is barely rising. It gets my day off to a much better start, and I actually have time to get things done in the morning. It also gives us a little more time together, which is nice, since he gets home a lot later when he takes public transit.

So, like I said, it's complicated here in my head. I'm not sure whether I'm on an upswing or a downswing, but I think I'm coping fairly well. It just is so helpful to get it all out here, in a safe place. Even if finding more IRL support is proving more difficult than I had anticipated, I know that I can always come here. You guys are great! You keep me floating and make me smile with your supportive comments. :-)

Mad Morning, Sad Afternoon

So I'm (finally) well enough to go in for my immune tests, but the local lab has no idea what to do with Dr. R.'s instructions for the immune draw. After a good deal of back and forth, they told me they thought they could do it--on Monday--I'd missed the time cut-off for today. Instead, I made an appointment with the lab Dr. R. uses regularly. It will mean a 40 min+ drive each way, but this is one draw I don't want to have to do over. First, I've been waiting long enough already. Second, if the lady at my local lab is to be believed, they are going to be taking at least 12 vials of blood. What if there are other special instructions not on the sheet (the 12 vials thing wasn't on it) that didn't get communicated to my local lab? I'm not taking a chance on any of that. Not at this point. I do not want to have to donate 12+ vials twice because of a lab eff-up.

The whole thing pissed me off because I deliberately made phone calls and tried to get all this information weeks ago, so I wouldn't have to get the run-around when I actually showed up! Apparently, the right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing, and I got stuck holding the $h!tbag. So that set a really great tone for the day.

Before all that went south, I was planning to go volunteer at a different community garden from the one I used to go to--one with hopefully less kids. But after dealing with the lab, I was too pissed to do anything for a while, and I had planned to make a lunch that would be rather time-consuming to cook. Plus I didn't think it was a good idea to have my first day of volunteering be on a day when I was already over-sensitive. So I scrapped the garden volunteering idea.

Instead, I called my mom while I was making lunch. She'd sent me an e-mail that should have set off my pregdar. I've got no idea why it didn't. A "family event" and "if you want more details" should have been fairly obvious clues, but they entirely escaped me. I thought it was some kind of random family reunion (even though that side of my family doesn't do reunions without a real event, like a wedding, funeral, or baby shower). It turned out to be a baby-shower for the wife of one of my cousins. I'm not close with her or anything, and I'm glad I heard about it from my mom instead of getting blind-sided by an invitation. I'm glad I live far enough away that there won't be any question of my going. I'll send a gift-card, because they are nice people and I am happy for them.

I'm just really sad for me. I should have had happy news for the family 6 months ago. I should have a 2 month old baby in my arms and no time for blogging. Damn! Why did I draw the effing RPL card? I was reading Preventing Miscarriage today, while I was at the lab, waiting for them to tell me they couldn't help me. (Bad choice, I know, I just grabbed something on my way out the door.) I've been dipping in and out of it for the few weeks I have it out of the library, and today I was reading the section on miscarriage rates. One statistic hit me really hard. According to that book, 1 in 300 women experience 3 miscarriages in a row*. One in effing 300. That's one third of a percent. How did I end up on this side of statistics?

Needless to say, the rest of the day has been pretty much shot. I've gotten a few things done, slowly, but mostly I'm just too sad to move.

*In other places, I've seen this statistic as high as 5% of all women. I don't know which is true. I think it depends on how you define miscarriage. The research, statistics, testing, treatment are all so effing inconclusive and every "expert" has a different opinion. No one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen or what will prevent them. It makes it hard to stay hopeful. 

P.S. Thanks for all the support on my last post. Figuring that metaphor out, actually helped me get a better perspective and feel better. It was also really nice to know that so many people can relate to the feeling of having a giant elephant following you around that nobody else can see. :-)

The Elephant in the Weekend

I had a really busy (for me) 3 days this past weekend, starting Friday. By Sunday I was exhausted, and I realized, it was because there had been an elephant in the room, the entire time. Avoiding the elephant that is the pain of dealing with RPL takes a lot of energy. Even when I tell people there's an elephant there, they often act like they see a mouse, instead. Some people are scared of the mouse. Some people think it's no big deal and mostly ignore it. Some people try to trap the mouse and take it outside. Very few people recognize that it's a giant elephant, sitting between us, during every conversation we have. This elephant follows me around and gets between me and every pregnant woman or parent of a baby or toddler that I run into. Sometimes I want to shout at the world, saying:

Don't you see the elephant? Can't you walk around it? Will you please stop bumping my elephant and making him mad so I have to calm him down?

I have to live with this elephant every minute of every day. I don't forget about him. I wish I could talk about him more. I wish I could find a way to wear him on my sleeve. A few people seem to understand what I need--they ofter genuine support and a listening ear. Others don't know what to do, but are willing to learn. Most people think they are being sympathetic and helpful when they offer their own stories, or tell me to keep on going and keep a positive attitude. I try to appreciate the underlying concern and not be too picky, but I don't lean on these people when I'm having a bad day. Luckily, I have a few IRL friends and family members I *can* turn to on bad days, as well as all of you. :-)

Other than that big elephant, the things I was busy with were good things. I got positive feedback on my music teaching from the Docent Program Manager, Kim. She actually thought I was doing well enough that another new docent might benefit from observing me! I wasn't expecting that, but I'm willing to have this other docent come in, if she wants to. Kim knows about my miscarriages, and is supportive of my taking a break from docenting in early pregnancy if I need to, which is really good.

I participated in a spring review for the Sunday School teachers at my church. We went over this past year and made plans for next year. I volunteered to teach again next year. I've enjoyed being involved with these children so much, and regardless of how things go, I want to continue teaching. The Sunday School Director, Reba, also knows about my situation and, like Kim, understands that I may need to take some time off in early pregnancy.

I also assisted in my Sunday School classroom this week. It was fine, but after class I had to take the kids back to the front of the church, and there was a mom with a 3 or 4 month old baby there. That was an unexpected shock, but I dealt with it the best I could at the time, and cried as soon as I could find some privacy.

So that was my weekend, how was yours?

ICLW and a Pity Party

First, if your visiting for ICLW, welcome!

Unfortunately, you caught me in a downswing. I'm currently recovering from my third miscarriage and the flu. I'm physically and emotionally really down right now (for more on that, check below the fold). You can read my story and learn more about my journey in the tabs above.

Who am I outside of RPL?

• Wife to a wonderful man, The Mister, who can usually make me laugh in spite of myself, no matter how angry or sad I may be. :-)
• Volunteer Music Docent at a local public school--I teach one 30 minute lesson per week to a class of 20 Kinders.
• Volunteer Sunday School Teacher at my church--I teach as part of a team of five, so each of us prepares a lesson about once a month, and acts as an assistant at least once a month.
• Volunteer Community Gardener--I'm in the process of exploring a new garden to work at where there *hopefully* will be less likelihood of running into parents of preschoolers. My previous garden had become a hive of the moms-of-under-fives set.
• Craft Artist--I love doing handwork, although I don't have any current projects going. See my Projects Page for pics of some of my creations over the past year.
• Cook--I actually spend 20+ hrs/wk in the kitchen, making most of my/our food from scratch. The Mister generally eats out at work, but we eat at home together most evenings and on the weekends.

There, I don't think any of that is "identifying". ;-) But since I blog anonymously (Hope isn't my *real* name) I'm not going to tell you where I live or how many siblings I have, or anything like that. Sorry. :-)

Random Ramblings

Somehow, lately, I find it hard to come up with posts. I guess I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I have nothing to "report". We can't do anything more until my cough gets better and I can go in for my immune tests. So I'm trying to fill my days in other ways. Not that I'm succeeding very well. I'm still spending a lot of time on-line, reading other people's blogs, but then I have nothing to say, no comments to add. I try to make myself at least say, "Hi, I was here, I'm thinking of you," because I want people to know I stopped by, but I have nothing spectacular to add to the conversation . . .

I've been thinking a lot, though, about the things I've read. It's just hard to organize my thoughts into a post. I read about someone taking her life back, and I think I want to do that but I don't know how. I've been trying to imagine taking my life back, not letting my miscarriages rule my life, but I can't see any way to do it without becoming a very different person. I think it would involve going back to school and finding a career I could pour my energy into. I think it will be hard for me to move beyond recurrent pregnancy loss without either becoming a mother or making a conscious decision to live child free. I'm not ready to stop pursuing motherhood, and I don't know how to take my life back while continuing to focus on that goal.

I do small things. My teaching as a Music Docent and at Sunday School gives me a secondary focus. It really helps me feel good about myself when a lesson goes well. My latest music lesson went quite well. I planned plenty of activities and was able to keep the kids attention by keeping things moving. I even got them to shut their mouths and focus on rhythm patterns for nearly 5 minutes! I was surprised and pleased at how much they enjoyed that. It made me feel much more confident about the possibility of introducing some rhythm instruments soon.

I've stopped going to the community garden I was working at, and I both miss it and don't miss it. I miss the active work, the healthy food, the contact with nature and growing things. I don't miss being surrounded by parents of toddlers. I don't miss feeling jealous and bitter and out-of-place. I was telling a friend about this, and she suggested I look into a different community garden, one that is less focused on families. Although they don't post a minimum age, they only actively encourage families to come once a month. I think I would be more likely to work with adults and adolescents there. It sounds like it's worth a try.

Another thing that has been on my mind is alternate paths to parenthood. I'm percolating a lot of swirling ideas around the various paths and possibilities open to us. Immunology probably offers our best hope of biological, genetically related offspring. Adoption might be a faster path to parenthood. Surrogacy would maintain the genetic link. There are other choices as well, each with its own advantages and drawbacks. Perhaps there's a post in there, when I've thought things through a bit more. For now, I'm trying to puzzle things out in my head, and not quite ready to publish my thoughts. Some of them seem very controversial.

Still another thing on my mind is activism and raising awareness. How do you raise awareness in people who don't want to take the time to listen? How do you educate people who can't or won't learn? I know that for me, the thing that changed how I viewed pregnancy loss was experience. Before my miscarriages, I heard stories about stillbirth with different ears than I do now. Somehow, I never heard the part about how devastating it was. I only heard that it is rare and that people went on to have subsequent, living children. I didn't hear the part about how fear creeps into your heart. I didn't hear the part about how the pain and grief never goes away. I did recognize that the fact that it happened wasn't forgotten, but I didn't understand that the baby was real to his or her parents. Were these things not spoken? Or did I simply fail to hear or remember or identify?

I want to share my story, to raise awareness about recurrent pregnancy loss, but I want to wait to share until my story has a happy ending. I think that waiting until I have a living child to share my story will make it easier for me to let people's ignorance and lack of understanding roll off me. Then I wonder if waiting to tell my story will, in some ways, defeat the purpose. If I tell my story now, it is one of pain and fear and hopelessness. Will those emotions even show up in a story that has a happy ending? What do I want to raise awareness about? Do I want to share RPL as a fact, or do I want to help people understand the painful emotions connected with the experience of living through multiple pregnancy losses? If I want to raise awareness about the emotional aspect of RPL, would it not be more effective to share my experience now, while the emotions are fresh and raw? If people see me happy and enjoying a living child, will it be hard for them to give any weight to my assertions that going through multiple losses is painful? How do I balance my desire to raise awareness against my need to protect myself?

I thought I had nothing to say, but actually, I have so much to say it is simply hard to know where to begin or what to focus on.

The Original Teacher Is:

Fabulous! I've done two lessons since she has been back and it turns out that most of my worries were groundless. She even participated in part of a lesson, which was great! She also keeps the classroom very calm and under tight control, which makes it easier for me to keep things in control. Her version of things getting out of hand is the other two teachers' version of normal.

Communication between us is going okay so far. I was a little worried when she was slow in responding to my first e-mail (to schedule a start-up conference), so I called the office and left a message for her there on Wed. She got back to me by e-mail on Thurs., and we had our conference on Fri. During the conference she was chatty and friendly, and I felt at ease. I even ended up mentioning my miscarriages. She said something about how I needed to get some kids so I'd have more toys in my house (she suggested I bring in toys as props sometimes). I said we were working on that, it wasn't going as well as we'd like, I'd had two miscarriages, and we were trying to prevent a third. She said something like, "It'll happen when it's time," and I inwardly rolled my eyes and let it drop. Still, I'm glad it came up. Now, if I have to go on bed rest to keep the next pregnancy or (God forbid) have a 3rd miscarriage, I'll be able to be honest about the reason. I may regret it later, but for now, I'm glad I was open with her.

One thing that surprised me was that she said they don't do Black History Month. Apparently the kindergarten curriculum is so full that they don't have time for Black History (although they seem to have time to spend a week or two on Valentine's Day). What is up with that? I hope it gets covered in the older grades--I think it's really important to cover all aspects of our nation's history, especially the parts we're not so proud of. I'm debating whether to go ahead and bring in the recording of Follow the Drinking Gourd I had planned for next week or not. The teacher said the class would be covering President's Day and asked me to teach them a patriotic song. I agree with her that it's good to know patriotic songs, but I'm still trying to figure out if I can't fit in a little Black History, too. I can't do it the following week, because they're on break. Maybe I'll bring it in later in the year . . .

"Do You Have Kids?" vs. "Are You a Mom/Dad?"

Today, while I was volunteering at the farm, a new mom showed up, looking for a mom's group that was supposed to meet there. She had some questions about the garden, which I helped to answer. I even asked for a peak at her baby and didn't cringe (maybe because what I really wanted was to ask to hold the baby). After a little while, another member of her mom's group showed up, and they started chatting, off in their own little world, all wrapped up with no room for anyone else. I wanted to join them so badly. I kept thinking, I'm a mom, too! but I still felt like an impostor. I hated the feeling that they belonged to an exclusive club that I can't join without having a living child. I found myself praying that I won't become a mom-snob* as soon as I have babies--that I'll be inclusive in my friendships and casual interactions.

Those thoughts lead to wondering how to go about being inclusive, and eventually I got to thinking about the way my first thought was worded: I'm a mom, too. People always ask each other if they have kids. No one asked me that, today, but if they had, I would have said, "No." I don't think of myself as having kids. I think of myself as the mother of two angel babies. There is a big difference between having a baby on Earth and having a baby in Heaven. In my heart, I am a mother, but my day to day experience has very little in common with the mother of a living baby.

When I ask people about their families, assuming I'm at a point in my journey where I'm ready to talk openly about my own losses, I can ask: "Are you a Mom?" or "Are you a Dad?" That question would be more likely to open the door for discussion, and might feel more inclusive to a bereaved parent who wanted to talk about his or her losses. I know it doesn't cover those people who are parents in their hearts but have never been pregnant at all. I'll have to think on how I can be supportive of those folks, too. I only hope that being aware of the problem now, and thinking about how I wish people would treat me, will help me to be more considerate when I get my turn on the other side of the fence.

What do you all think? How would you want people with children to behave towards you? What could they do or say that would feel most inclusive to you?

*Thanks to Michell at In Pursuit of Parenthood for coining this wonderful new word a couple of months ago!

Music Update

Thanks so much for your supportive comments yesterday. I helps to know that you're all thinking of me. Things are better today. The Mister and I had a nice evening together last night, and then I had good night's sleep. I woke up feeling a much better this morning.

I managed to pull off the music lesson this afternoon, although one of the games I had planned had to be scrapped. It was a partner dance that I thought would be easy, but it disintegrated into a mess of "I don't want him/her," which I thought would be resolved when the kids figured out that the point was to change partners. Unfortunately, then the other half of the class started saying, "I want to stay with my original partner," so I gave up. I didn't think I could explain how it would work, and I'd lost the class's attention, anyway. Luckily, I had some extra songs planned, just in case, and one of them turned out to be a hit. Probably because it was supposed to say, "Who fed the chickens?" and I kept messing it up and saying, "Who stole the chickens?" Of course the kids thought that was hilarious! Anything to keep them entertained, even my mistakes. :-)

Then, the new sub told me that the original classroom teacher is going to be back on Monday. I sincerely hope this is the last change of teachers these kids have to go through. It must be really hard on them, constantly having to adjust to a different teacher and a different teaching style. I'm disappointed for myself, though, because the original teacher seemed really hard to connect with last fall, and I need to set up a meeting with her to go over some paperwork. Both the subs have been easier for me to work with than I remember the original teacher being. Oh well, I'll do the best I can . . . *shrug*

Sad Day

Just really sad today. No good reason. AF showed up yesterday, but I don't think that's it. I think a lot of it is missing my babies. January--the month I thought I would be due. I didn't get far enough along to fix my mind on a due-date, just a due-month. Which means the whole f-ing month is hard. Next time, I'm going to memorize that due-date as fast as possible, so that if I do miscarry, I won't have to grieve hard through a whole f-ing month--I can fixate on one day, instead.

I watched a sad movie this afternoon, which didn't help.

I also had a therapy session today, and it was kind of intense. I've been feeling kind of impatient with the cognitive-behavioral approach Dr. Black has been taking so far. It seems like mind-games to me. Instead of asking me why I thought the "coping mechanisms" seemed like mind-games, Dr. Black just told me not to call them that. Which irritated me more. She wants me to think of them as ways to sooth myself. But they don't f-ing work! Sure, maybe for a few hours or a day, but then the anger comes right back. I think I must have finally gotten this across to her, because she suggested taking a different direction and doing some EMDR, which seems like a good option. I do have some serious childhood trauma to recover from, and the EMDR should help with that. I think one of the main reasons I am so angry these days is that the lack of control I feel following RPL mirrors the lack of control over my life that I felt as a child.

It's just really hard right now. For some reason, all these feelings are on the surface and I can barely function. I have to go in and teach another music lesson tomorrow, and I'm barely prepared. I hope I make it through.

First Thirty Minute Music Lesson

It went fabulously!!! I actually got so caught up in teaching, I went over-time. At some point, I forgot it was only a half hour lesson and thought I had to fill an hour! Luckily for my own sanity, I remembered just past the half hour mark. :-) I did have one discipline issue that took a full two minutes to sort out (that's a long time in a room full of Kindergarteners) but I managed and got the class back on track. I feel so proud of myself. The children were engaged and participating, and I was able to keep things moving and transition from one activity to the next and everything. Whew!

The new sub is fine. She's familiar with the music program I work with and gave me her contact info and agreed to set up a meeting (some paperwork from the organization that runs the music program). She even helped out with most of the discipline. The only reason that one situation started to get out of hand was that the teacher had stepped out of the room for a couple of minutes. I guess she must have thought I was handling things well if she felt comfortable leaving the room, so that's a sort of compliment, I think.

Anyway, just had to share. I'm very happy and relieved!

For anyone who is stopping by from ICLW, see then next post down for more info about me. :-)

Jan 2011 ICLW

Hi! Welcome ICLWers!

I'm an alternative-minded homemaker who always planned to be a stay-at-home mom. Last spring, my plans were derailed by two very early miscarriages which eventually resulted in the discovery that I have insulin resistance and two copies of a mutation called MTHFR both of which can cause multiple pregnancy complications.

(For a discussion of how insulin resistance affects pregnancy, please visit this page (I'm not endorsing the PCOS program these people promote, they just had the best description of the effects of insulin resistance on pregnancy that I could find). For an explanation of how MTHFR affects pregnancy, please read this post. And no, it doesn't stand for mother f-er, it just looks like that.) ;-)

When I'm not on-line blogging about RPL, grief, and trying again, I cook, volunteer in the educational garden at a community farm, knit, listen to music and audio books, and teach music to kindergardeners.

For a narrative-style re-cap of our history, check out this page. A brief re-cap follows below:

Fall 2007:  The Mister and I meet and start dating.
Fall 2009:  Wedding Bells!
Spring 2010:  Throw out B/C
April 2010:  Suspect pregnancy, but miscarry before getting a BFP
May 2010:  Suspect pregnancy again, and again miscarry before getting a BFP
Summer 2010:  Take 3 months off to recover physically and emoitionally
Sept 2010:  Realize I want to find out what went wrong and do something about it before trying again.
Oct-Nov 2010:  Meet with various western and alternative fertility specialists, choose an RE (Dr. R) and acupuncturist (Ms. Bird)
Nov 2010:  Western diagnosis: insulin resistance/polycystic ovaries and  MTHFR C677T homo. Begin meds. Also begin additional supplements to correct low iron and vit. D levels.
Dec 2010:  Chinese diagnosis: Blood Deficiency, begin herbs to build blood, begin to think about trying again.
Experience serious emotional upheaval as a result of strain from trying to make decisions based on limited information. Begin seeing a therapist (Dr. Black).
Jan 2011:  Decide to wait to try again until blood deficiency improved. This means waiting at least one more cycle after the current cycle. Earliest possible TTC date: March 2011
 

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AFM: I'm coping pretty well these days. Things aren't easy, but I am at least semi-functional. I am, however, really feeling the lack of my babies this month, with a would-have-been due date at both ends of it and no new pregnancy on the immediate horizon. However, other things in my life are going quite well. I had a good time in the garden where I volunteer this week, therapy and acupuncture continue to be helpful, and I am looking forward to teaching my first full-length (only thirty minutes ;-) Kindergarten music lesson at 1:30 pm today--I've even confirmed that the new sub knows I'm coming!

And a final request: please stop by Rain's Blog and send her some love--she's going through a difficult transition right now.

Rainy Day

Anyone else remember this song from Sesame Street?



I'm going to be teaching the chorus to my Kindergarteners tomorrow. It's always been my favorite rainy day song. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm really excited to finally be teaching music. I got into the classroom last week. It's the same classroom I was originally assigned to, but a different teacher. The original teacher has been unable to teach for the past two or three months because of an injury. The class is being taught by a semi-retired teacher who is now a long-term sub. He is great. I felt very comfortable and welcome when I came in to the classroom last week. A bonus for me of working with a sub is that the school doesn't have e-mail for him, so direct phone communication was the only option. What a difference from the frustrating run-around I was getting with the previous teacher. Hopefully, if and when she does return to the classroom, I will be well established and there won't be much need for re-hashing things!

At any rate, I am glad to finally be doing what I signed up to do--teaching children music. 

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To answer Alex's question about ear balls, here's a link with some info. You have to have the put in by someone who knows acupuncture or acupressure so they get put in the right spot.

Gratitude

Okay, everyone's been doing these gratitude/Thanksgiving posts, and I'm late with mine, but really I love to practice gratitude. I've done gratitude journals in the past and I think they really work. Writing down even 3 things I'm grateful for on a bad day puts me in a better place. So here goes. I'm going to try to come up with 10 things I'm grateful for from the past year:

1. Our honeymoon in New Zealand. We went over Christmas last year and it was great. For one thing, it was nice to not feel obliged to spend time with or call family. Since we were out of the country we could just focus on ourselves. We were in a totally new place, and we didn't know anyone, so we really bonded. And New Zealand is a fabulous country to be in. We stayed in one city and just got to know the local area. It was very relaxing. We didn't over-plan, so we were able to just spend time in our room watching TV when we didn't feel like going out.
2. Joining a Moms-to-Be support group before we started TTC. I thought it would be a good way to prepare for pregnancy, but it has turned out to be an invaluable support for surviving pregnancy loss as well. Also, the leader of the group is the sole reason I was able to get a new patient appoitnment with my RE.
3. My volunteer work at a local educational garden. It gets me out of doors on a regular basis, interacting with like-minded people, and working with the earth and growing things. Plus I get to bring home fresh, organic produce.
4. Attending a KidPower workshop for adults. I was emotionally abused by my peers as a child and attending this workshop was very cathartic. It was a step in starting to realize that I have the right to say "no" and protect myself from emotional as well as physical abuse. I am also learning to avoid potentially triggering situations.
5. Spending time with two friends whose children were all "accidents" before the grief and envy from my miscarriages really kicked in. These people have been important to me in the past, but I have had to distance myself from them over the past months. One probably won't notice, we don't see each other more than once or twice a year anyway, but the other may be offended. She's more needy, and I was distancing myself from her anyway, so I'm trying to let her go.
6. My decision to quit a very "public" volunteer position in my church before we started TTC. I had to avoid the church almost entirely in the early months after my miscarriages. Quitting that position also made it possible for me to consider a position as a Sunday School teacher--this gives me a wonderful opportunity to interact with children without feeling any resentment towards their parents.
7. Deciding to volunteer as a Music Docent. I love music, and even though I am still not teaching in the classroom, I really think that it will end up being a positive experience. In fact, I'm optimistic enough that I got some books out of the library so I can be prepared to go in on short notice as soon as the teacher contacts me with some possible times.
8. My cousin who gave me the family history of miscarriage and her emotional support when I called. Her information was very helpful when it came to getting a diagnosis from my RE.
9. Finding a good team of professionals who will support me through all the aspects of preparing to try again--medical, physical, emotional.
10. Finally, last but most important, I am grateful for my dear husband. He is my hero and my greatest support. He has seen me through so many challenges over the past year, and he has stood firm through all of them. I know that I would not be as balanced and happy as I am today without his emotional, and financial, support. He is an amazing man and I am lucky and blessed to be married to him.

Whew. I made it to ten. I'm sure there are more. Other wonderful friends and family and helping professionals. Other enjoyable experiences, like going to the beach and to baseball games. But I'll leave it at that. Those are probably the key things. Well there is one more. I'm grateful for Astin and Ember. Not so much for the miscarriages as for how they touched my lives and what I have learned about myself and the world because of their brief time with me.

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We had a quiet Thanksgiving Day. I took a blog break. We didn't have a Turkey, but I did buy myself some cranberry relish. It was the one thing I thought I'd really miss that I also thought I could justify on a low GI diet. Then we went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. I've read all the books, and DH hasn't read any of them. I thought it was okay, for a dramatization, but if you want my opinion, I thing that the first 4 books were the best, and that after that, Ms. Rowling focused too much on plot and forgot about character development. Even though the last 3 books were each quite long, the seemed short because there was no character development to help me get invested in the story. Also, it seemed like there wasn't much new magic introduced after about book 4. (Also, when it comes to books vs. movies, I almost always vote books. I like to use my own imagination, thankyouverymuch!:-) But it was still fun to go to a movie in the theater. It's not something we do very often, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, so when we do go it's a real treat.

Quick Update

Saw Dr. R (my RE) yesterday to go over blood work. Good news is I don't have FVL. Not so good news, I'm homozygous for MTHFR C677T, and I have low iron and low vit. D. So now off to get more drugs: iron, vit. D3, folgard, and baby aspirin to start now, and heparin and progesterone for once I get a BFP. Seeing the acupuncturist for my initial visit later today. Now off to volunteer at the farm--hopefully before most of the mommies and kiddos arrive.

We Have a Diagnosis!

I saw the RE everyone has been raving about yesterday, and he is as good as the reviews claim. I'll call him Dr. R. There was a bit of a wait in the office, but once he came in to see us, his full attention was on us (DH came with me). The first things he said when he walked through the door were, "So you've been through a lot, " and "There is definitely something going on here." He went over the relevant points of my labs and my history with me, and then told me what tests he wanted to do. He covered just about everything I wanted to find out about, and more besides. On top of that, he has a great bedside manner. There is no sense of the "God-complex" that so many doctors have. He talks to you in understandable language and explains things without lecturing. He also complimented me on my overall good health and took my knowledge of my own body seriously. He's even familiar with TCOYF! Such a change from the previous RE I saw.

Speaking of the previous RE, turns out he didn't really test me for FVL, so Dr. R. ordered a diagnostic test for that, along with MTHFR, prothrombin gene mutation, chromosomal kereotyping, prolactin, vitamin D, and ferritin. He said my TSH was slightly elevated. He didn't think a full thyroid panel was necessary, but just went ahead and proscribed a low dose of thyroid hormone. We also talked about my family history. Since I have a family history of fibroids on one side and type 2 diabetes, he wanted to do a dildo cam scan to look at my uterus for fibroids (he also wanted to check for a septum) and at my ovaries for cysts. My uterus looked great, but my ovaries had lots of cysts. He called it polycysitc ovaries (PCO's), rather than PCOS, I'm not sure why. He proscribed Met.formin for that, explaining that he suspected insulin resistance as the cause. He felt that testing my insulin levels wasn't necessary, because the levels vary so much that it doesn't always show up. He felt the same about testing for progesterone--that levels vary so much that testing wouldn't give us much information. He also said there are three main causes of LPD: PCO's, endometriosis, and prolactin. He saw the PCO's and ruled out endo on the scan, and he's testing me for prolactin.

He explained how the insulin resistance would cause pretty much my whole pattern of short cycles, copious CF (sorry if TMI), and miscarriages. I don't have a lot of the typical PCOS symptoms, but the way Dr. R described it explained a lot about why my body works the way it does. He is very confident about my chances of having a successful pregnancy, and his confidence is infectious. I feel so relieved to have a diagnosis to hang on to and that it is treatable! Oddly, though, I've been crying a lot since seeing the doctor. I think mostly it's relief and release. When I was driving home, I started crying just thinking about the possibility of seeing a heartbeat at an early ultrasound. I can actually begin to imagine myself pregnant.

Another interesting thing was that it didn't bother me to see pregnant and new moms in Dr. R.'s office, because I know that he's a fertility specialist, so probably a high percentage of them are pregnant after IF or loss and have been in my shoes. Of course I can't tell which ones they are, but I felt less out of place than in the other Dr.'s office, where most of the mothers are blissfully ignorant.

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On Monday, I had an interview with a second acupuncturist--I'll call her CI. I felt much more comfortable with her than with the first one I saw. She never brought up the possibility of a third miscarriage, and in fact, she has had a miscarriage herself. I believe she said something along the lines of "Two is too many," referring to my miscarriages. She had heard of Dr. R. and wanted to hear my reaction after seeing him. She also gave me a sense of confidence that my chances are good for a successful pregnancy next time. When she spoke of my age, it was to say that, since I am relatively young, two miscarriages are an obvious indication that something is wrong. I thought that she took my concerns seriously, was quite knowledgeable, and would be very supportive throughout the process of getting and staying pregnant. She also knows my midwife, and my midwife had recommended her, so that will facilitate good communication between my "health team".

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Finally, last night at my music docent training, I spoke to the training leader who is in charge of making sure docent placements are going well. I ended up telling her much of my story. It turns out that she had her own fertility journey, and she really understands how difficult it is for me to have any extra challenges in my life right now. We both had felt a connection to each other since the beginning of training, and it felt good to share my story with her.

She promised to figure out what is going on with the teacher I got assigned to and do her best to resolve the situation, so that it is comfortable for me, even if that means reassigning me. She also let me know that she is available to help me get adjusted to teaching in the classroom even after my training is over. It really helps to know that she is on my side, and will work to make sure my experience as a docent goes as smoothly as possible.

Odd Week

The past week or so has been really odd for me. I've been mostly off-line, with brief check-ins to read blogs. There just hasn't been much to post about. I've been knitting a lot whilst listening to audio books. I was really tired for a few days, but even though that's better, I'm still on a knitting kick. I'm nearly done with the baby blanket I've been making. I promise to post pictures on my projects page, soon.

I'm continuing with my training as a music docent, although my classroom placement isn't working out too well. The teacher doesn't return my e-mails, so I have to contact her through a third person. Not good. Thinking about asking to be reassigned. I really want to get into the classroom and start teaching.

I'm also still volunteering at the local educational garden I may have mentioned. Last Saturday (a week ago) I was there in the rain. The one hour of the day that it rained was the hour I was there. It was dry when I left home, and dry by the time I got back. At least rain where I live is seldom very wet. We call it rain when most people would just call it mist or a drizzle. That's the kind of rain it was last week. Not pouring. I got wet, but not soaked. I dried off and warmed up fine once I got home. The thing that actually bothered me the most was having muddy shoes. I hate the way mud sticks to itself and makes your shoes heavier and heavier.

This week I went before the rain started, and helped turn compost. I love composting. I hope someday I have a big enough yard and garden to have a compost pile of my own. For now, I have worms in a worm bin, which is nice, but not quite the same . . . .

And that's really all for now. I'll have more updates next week. I have two appointments coming--one with an acupuncturist and one with the highly recommended RE I've mentioned before. I'll let you know how they go.

A Breather **UPDATED**

Thanks so much for the supportive comments on my last post. It really helped to read them. And today, I woke up feeling much better. Yesterday was awful: lots of emotions and crying and just feeling dead when I had to be in public, which was far too much of the day. I was running around doing errands on my bike in the morning before it got too hot, then home to make 3 days worth of meals so I won't have to cook today or tomorrow, then out again (this time in the car) to the lab for the blood draw for my tests. I should know the results by Friday--Monday at the latest. (I'm actually crossing my fingers that I have FVL, & that it's the only thing I have, so I can get treated and have a good chance of a healthy pregnancy.) Then home briefly for dinner and out again for my Music for Minors training class. I got home last night completely exhausted. I was in bed by 10:30 & asleep by 11 (that's good for me, I haven't been sleeping well the past week or so) & I woke up this morning feeling refreshed.

I think part of it was the dream I had last night. We'd had a baby. The birth wasn't part of the dream. For some reason I hadn't been conscious for the birth itself, and the dream was about meeting the baby for the first time. He was a boy, and big and healthy. I was so happy to have him. We were still in the hospital with him, and getting ready to take him home. I kept having to send DH to get things like a going home outfit for our son and his car seat. And then I woke up.

Even though the dream was fairly short, it left me with a feeling of peace and hope. I think part of what I realized in the dream is that having a healthy baby will be worth the challenges of an increased risk pregnancy. I'm starting to believe that I'll be able to handle this new twist in my life. And that feels really good.

I'm glad I'm feeling more at peace today, because I'm going to observe an experienced music docent teaching her class in a few hours and then talk to her after her class is over. With this whole training, I'm really enjoying the music part, but most of the other trainees are moms with kids, and several are pregnant. It's hard to be in a room with them, and I've been avoiding making friends. Teaching the kids will be fine. It's being around parents that's hard for me. So when I found out that the docent I'm observing wants to talk to me after the class, I got worried. What if she asks if I have kids? The way I was feeling yesterday, I thought I'd probably lose it. But today, I think I'll be able to handle it. It won't be easy, but I'm not on the verge of tears the way I was yesterday. I'll let you know how it goes.

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The class went well. No chit-chat about personal stuff, just business & learning. Turned out I was there for her first class of two, so there wasn't as much chatting time as I had feared, and I did learn some things--like how Kindergartners really behave and what it really takes to teach them a song or keep them focused on the activity at hand.