My Experience of Pregnancy

I have received many very supportive and kind comments over the past few days on my posts about my most recent pregnancy and miscarriage. I truly appreciate the outpouring of support--it has buoyed me up during a difficult time. Thank you all so much. You're unconditional support has meant more than I can ever express.

Until now, I have been intentionally vague and guarded about sharing the exact nature of my losses on this blog. IRL I have had to deal with skepticism and questions nearly every time I have revealed the particulars of my brief pregnancies. This is one of the reasons I have been so private about my experiences. However, I had hoped that the people reading this blog would be more empathetic and understanding, since we are all in this journey together, even if our stories are different. With that hope in my heart, and a need for support regardless of whether I stayed pregnant or not, I posted some of the details of my most recent pregnancy. Although I the vast majority of comments I received were supportive, I was saddened to discover that even within the ALI community some people still lack of empathy for other's unique situations. I chose not to publish the un-supportive comments I received. Instead, I took them as a sign that it is time to be much more open about my experiences, in the hopes that, if you understand my story better, you will be able to feel more empathy for my situation. Again, I really appreciate all the unconditional support, but for those of you who are wondering why I ever let myself think I was pregnant before I got a BFP, here are are the details. Obviously, it's all TMI. :-)

(BTW, I am not looking for sympathy regarding my pregnancy symptoms. I welcome these symptoms, because they are, so far, my only way of knowing what is going on inside my body. My only reason for describing them in detail is to show why I cannot compartmentalize them while I wait for objective confirmation of pregnancy.)

I have never considered myself pregnant without unmistakable symptoms that are unique and different from my normal pattern of PMS. I only consider myself pregnant when I have a particular pattern of symptoms, and even then I wait to fully believe in the pregnancy until the symptoms are so strong that they interfere with my ability to function normally. Anything else I try to attribute to phantom symptoms, PMS, or being under the weather, so as to avoid getting my hopes up unnecessarily.

All my pregnancies have been so brief that they ended before I got a BFP. However, I know that I have been pregnant three times because my body reacts to implantation strongly enough to produce symptoms that begin interfere with my ability to function normally by 10-12 dpo. This makes it very difficult to take the attitude that any and all symptoms I experience between O and AF are inconclusive until confirmed by a BFP. If my symptoms were less demanding, I would happily wait for a BFP to consider myself pregnant. Believe me, I have tried. I hate getting my hopes up only to have them crushed by yet another failed implantation that feels to me like a miscarriage.

If I had mild symptoms that could be compartmentalized during the 2WW, I would treat a BFN at the end of such a cycle as a non-conception. Alternately, if I could find a brand of pregnancy test sensitive enough to give me a BFP when I start experiencing symptoms, I would use it. I find it supremely unfair that I have to deal with blatant, unmistakable pregnancy symptoms that interfere with my ability to function normally without the comfort and proof of a BFP. Because of this, I am planning to ask for a blood test at 10 or 11 dpo the next time I experience these symptoms, in hopes that my hCG will be detectable at that time, so that I will have some proof to wave in the faces of the doubters.

These unmistakable symptoms I keep mentioning aren't things like mild (but ignorable) breast tenderness, slight nausea, or slightly increased fatigue. I can and do compartmentalize my symptoms when they are at that level. However, as soon my symptoms become strong enough to singificantly interfere with my ability to function normally, I consider myself pregnant, regardless of objective proof. Trying to continue to compartmentalize my symptoms at this point is impossible for me. There is no 'maybe' to these symptoms. They SCREAM pregnancy.

My symptoms are mild when they begin to appear. It's just that they start at 6-8 dpo and increase in strength and intensity each day after that. By the time I'm 10-12 dpo, the nausea is so intense that I have to change my eating habits to cope with it. I go from eating 3 large meals and one large snack a day to grazing on 6 or more small, high protein meals a day, with lots of nibbling in between. I start feeling nauseous if I get too hungry, but I also end up feeling nauseous if I eat too much at one time. My nausea even forced me to get up and eat a small meal during the last night of my third pregnancy. (I tried for an hour to go back to sleep before giving in.) That same pregnancy, I experienced enough increased urinary frequency to wake me up at night starting at 11 dpo. The combination of nightime nausea and urinary frequency made it difficult to get a good sample of FMU for an accurate HPT. Every time I've been pregnant I have experienced low stamina starting around 10-11dpo. During the last few days of my third pregnancy, I would be so tired after running errands for an hour or two that all I wanted to do when I got home was lie down. The only 'symptom' I was able to compartmentalize during that pregnancy was my breast tenderness, which may have been just slightly more than normal. Since it was so similar to my normal, I didn't consider breast tenderness to be a pregnancy symptom that month.

The type of very early pregnancy loss I've experienced is an important aspect if IF. In fact, many women conceive and miscarry over and over without knowing it. Usually the woman doesn't have very strong symptoms, and her period comes on time or just a couple of days late. This type of recurrent, very early miscarriage is treatable. Diagnosing and treating this problem can prevent the unnecessary use of stronger fertility drugs. However, since most women have mild (if any) symptoms during the 2WW, most cases of recurrent very early pregnancy loss are treated as conception problems. In some ways, I am lucky that I have such unmistakable pregnancy symptoms, because it means we can rule out conception problems. Both Dr. R. and Ms. Bird are focusing their treatment plans on preparing me for a healthy pregnancy and supporting implantation.

Although the most accurate description of my problem would be chemical pregnancy, I prefer to use the term miscarriage. I'm okay with “chemical pregnancy”, although it does seem to trivialize the issue. The one term I'm not okay with is “failed cycle”. There are two reasons I dislike this term: First, two of my three pregnancies were unplanned. In my mind, the term "failed cycle" implies that the couple were actively TTC. That term would be appropriate only during cycles when The Mister and I had tried, and failed, to get pregnant. Second, I would only say that a cycle "failed" if I had not experienced unmistakable pregnancy symptoms that month. If I experience the symptom-picture described above, followed by lack of symptoms and bleeding, then I treat it as a miscarriage. Since I'm dealing with unmistakable pregnancy symptoms, I'm going to call it a pregnancy. It's the only perk I get out of this whole $h!tty deal.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I have tried to clearly describe many details of my experience of pregnancy, so you will (hopefully) understand why I categorize my experience as pregnancy loss. If my reasons are still unclear, I welcome and will try to respond to respectful requests for clarification. Personal stories of similar experiences are also welcome, even if you interpret your experience differently than mine. I will only ask that you refrain from advising me on how I should interpret my experience.

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On another note, I think I am handling this latest loss much better than my previous losses. I am aware, from my previous experiences, that it is a loss, that I will need to grieve, and that there will be emotional challenges ahead. I'm much more honest with myself about how sad I am over losing this pregnancy. I know that denying my grief will only delay my healing. Also, I have both personal professional support networks in place already, so I think it will be much easier for me to come up with a new game plan. Having a direction helps to keep me from getting too mired in grieving. So I'm both sad and hopeful at the same time.