I was starting to feel fairly content with the way things are going, and with waiting another cycle after this one to start TTCAL again. I was even starting to feel okay around pregnant women and people with small kids. Not wonderful, but starting to feel more hopeful than bitter, seeing them. So, of course, since I'm getting the hang of this whole coping with RPL/IF thing, the universe has to toss another curve ball my way. It was unexpected, even though it shouldn't have been. Part of me knew that this might happen, but I was hoping it wouldn't.
Gwyn is pregnant. And I'm worried about what will happen to our friendship if I don't get and stay pregnant, soon. It's hard, even though she's been through some similar things and is very supportive and sympathetic to my feelings. I was really hoping we'd be pregnant together, but I was (selfishly) hoping I'd be the one to get pregnant first. And I was, with Poppy, but I didn't stay pregnant. Now Gwyn is pregnant and I have to wait until I see Dr. R in a few weeks to even think about trying again. I'm happy for Gwyn. Really. And I want everything to go smoothly for her. I just want to be able to be pregnant *with* her, to have babies close in age. Please! Is it too much to ask????
Now I feel like the internal pressure for this next try to work is going to be much more intense. Because now there is a clock ticking in my mind. The farther Gwyn's pregnancy progresses (assuming everything goes well), the farther I fall behind her. What if I don't stay pregnant next time, or the next? What if she has her baby and I just have more miscarriages? What will that do to our friendship? Right now, I envy her. Even though I still like her and want to spend time with her. I hope I can deal with these feelings and adjust and be able to stay in this friendship (which has meant so much to me). But just for now, I need to admit that it is really, really hard, and I am really really worried about the future of our friendship.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy Announcements. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy Announcements. Show all posts
Saturday, May 14
Thursday, March 31
Why Does it Hurt So Much More IRL?
It doesn't make logical sense, but finding out about my cousin's wife's pregnancy, has sent me into a terrible tailspin. I don't know this couple well, and they live half-way across the country. It's not like I'll run into them. Someone intelligent sent out the shower invites. I didn't get one, and I'm glad about that. It means no one expected me to travel 2000 miles just for a party. This side of my family doesn't even do reunions regularly, so the chance of seeing this baby at a family event in the near future is slim to none. There is *no reason* this should impact me so much more than a pregnancy announcement on a blog I read, but it does. It put me into a tailspin, and I don't know how to clime back out.
Is it because I don't know her history? Is it because she's "family" and therefore this pregnancy will impact my real life a little more? I didn't expect to be this upset over it, but maybe I shouldn't be surprised. It is the first pregnancy announcement in my extended family since my miscarriages. Oddly enough, it's not even the one I've been dreading and half expecting. Still, it really hurts. Why? Is it because I liked this woman, and now my feelings about her will always be tinged with envy?
I talked to Dr. Black today about how I've been feeling. She reassured me that everything I described was normal, and helped me work through some of the pain. She also warned me not to expect these feelings to just go away. She's very insistent that grief takes time and all she can do is help me cope a little better in the moment. The techniques she's taught me do help, and I am coping better than I was a few months ago (and also better than at 6 weeks past my second loss), but I just wish there was a way to actually eliminate the pain. It hurts so much.
Is it because I don't know her history? Is it because she's "family" and therefore this pregnancy will impact my real life a little more? I didn't expect to be this upset over it, but maybe I shouldn't be surprised. It is the first pregnancy announcement in my extended family since my miscarriages. Oddly enough, it's not even the one I've been dreading and half expecting. Still, it really hurts. Why? Is it because I liked this woman, and now my feelings about her will always be tinged with envy?
I talked to Dr. Black today about how I've been feeling. She reassured me that everything I described was normal, and helped me work through some of the pain. She also warned me not to expect these feelings to just go away. She's very insistent that grief takes time and all she can do is help me cope a little better in the moment. The techniques she's taught me do help, and I am coping better than I was a few months ago (and also better than at 6 weeks past my second loss), but I just wish there was a way to actually eliminate the pain. It hurts so much.
Wednesday, March 30
Mad Morning, Sad Afternoon
So I'm (finally) well enough to go in for my immune tests, but the local lab has no idea what to do with Dr. R.'s instructions for the immune draw. After a good deal of back and forth, they told me they thought they could do it--on Monday--I'd missed the time cut-off for today. Instead, I made an appointment with the lab Dr. R. uses regularly. It will mean a 40 min+ drive each way, but this is one draw I don't want to have to do over. First, I've been waiting long enough already. Second, if the lady at my local lab is to be believed, they are going to be taking at least 12 vials of blood. What if there are other special instructions not on the sheet (the 12 vials thing wasn't on it) that didn't get communicated to my local lab? I'm not taking a chance on any of that. Not at this point. I do not want to have to donate 12+ vials twice because of a lab eff-up.
The whole thing pissed me off because I deliberately made phone calls and tried to get all this information weeks ago, so I wouldn't have to get the run-around when I actually showed up! Apparently, the right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing, and I got stuck holding the $h!tbag. So that set a really great tone for the day.
Before all that went south, I was planning to go volunteer at a different community garden from the one I used to go to--one with hopefully less kids. But after dealing with the lab, I was too pissed to do anything for a while, and I had planned to make a lunch that would be rather time-consuming to cook. Plus I didn't think it was a good idea to have my first day of volunteering be on a day when I was already over-sensitive. So I scrapped the garden volunteering idea.
Instead, I called my mom while I was making lunch. She'd sent me an e-mail that should have set off my pregdar. I've got no idea why it didn't. A "family event" and "if you want more details" should have been fairly obvious clues, but they entirely escaped me. I thought it was some kind of random family reunion (even though that side of my family doesn't do reunions without a real event, like a wedding, funeral, or baby shower). It turned out to be a baby-shower for the wife of one of my cousins. I'm not close with her or anything, and I'm glad I heard about it from my mom instead of getting blind-sided by an invitation. I'm glad I live far enough away that there won't be any question of my going. I'll send a gift-card, because they are nice people and I am happy for them.
I'm just really sad for me. I should have had happy news for the family 6 months ago. I should have a 2 month old baby in my arms and no time for blogging. Damn! Why did I draw the effing RPL card? I was reading Preventing Miscarriage today, while I was at the lab, waiting for them to tell me they couldn't help me. (Bad choice, I know, I just grabbed something on my way out the door.) I've been dipping in and out of it for the few weeks I have it out of the library, and today I was reading the section on miscarriage rates. One statistic hit me really hard. According to that book, 1 in 300 women experience 3 miscarriages in a row*. One in effing 300. That's one third of a percent. How did I end up on this side of statistics?
Needless to say, the rest of the day has been pretty much shot. I've gotten a few things done, slowly, but mostly I'm just too sad to move.
*In other places, I've seen this statistic as high as 5% of all women. I don't know which is true. I think it depends on how you define miscarriage. The research, statistics, testing, treatment are all so effing inconclusive and every "expert" has a different opinion. No one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen or what will prevent them. It makes it hard to stay hopeful.
P.S. Thanks for all the support on my last post. Figuring that metaphor out, actually helped me get a better perspective and feel better. It was also really nice to know that so many people can relate to the feeling of having a giant elephant following you around that nobody else can see. :-)
The whole thing pissed me off because I deliberately made phone calls and tried to get all this information weeks ago, so I wouldn't have to get the run-around when I actually showed up! Apparently, the right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing, and I got stuck holding the $h!tbag. So that set a really great tone for the day.
Before all that went south, I was planning to go volunteer at a different community garden from the one I used to go to--one with hopefully less kids. But after dealing with the lab, I was too pissed to do anything for a while, and I had planned to make a lunch that would be rather time-consuming to cook. Plus I didn't think it was a good idea to have my first day of volunteering be on a day when I was already over-sensitive. So I scrapped the garden volunteering idea.
Instead, I called my mom while I was making lunch. She'd sent me an e-mail that should have set off my pregdar. I've got no idea why it didn't. A "family event" and "if you want more details" should have been fairly obvious clues, but they entirely escaped me. I thought it was some kind of random family reunion (even though that side of my family doesn't do reunions without a real event, like a wedding, funeral, or baby shower). It turned out to be a baby-shower for the wife of one of my cousins. I'm not close with her or anything, and I'm glad I heard about it from my mom instead of getting blind-sided by an invitation. I'm glad I live far enough away that there won't be any question of my going. I'll send a gift-card, because they are nice people and I am happy for them.
I'm just really sad for me. I should have had happy news for the family 6 months ago. I should have a 2 month old baby in my arms and no time for blogging. Damn! Why did I draw the effing RPL card? I was reading Preventing Miscarriage today, while I was at the lab, waiting for them to tell me they couldn't help me. (Bad choice, I know, I just grabbed something on my way out the door.) I've been dipping in and out of it for the few weeks I have it out of the library, and today I was reading the section on miscarriage rates. One statistic hit me really hard. According to that book, 1 in 300 women experience 3 miscarriages in a row*. One in effing 300. That's one third of a percent. How did I end up on this side of statistics?
Needless to say, the rest of the day has been pretty much shot. I've gotten a few things done, slowly, but mostly I'm just too sad to move.
*In other places, I've seen this statistic as high as 5% of all women. I don't know which is true. I think it depends on how you define miscarriage. The research, statistics, testing, treatment are all so effing inconclusive and every "expert" has a different opinion. No one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen or what will prevent them. It makes it hard to stay hopeful.
P.S. Thanks for all the support on my last post. Figuring that metaphor out, actually helped me get a better perspective and feel better. It was also really nice to know that so many people can relate to the feeling of having a giant elephant following you around that nobody else can see. :-)
Thursday, March 24
Pregnancy Envy
I'll admit, I feel it. Even with fellow IF/RPL-ers I feel it. The initial announcement can be such a sucker-punch. Somehow, even when someone is cycling and posting regular updates, I never quite expect the gut-wrenching level of my initial reaction, when she gets a positive.
Of course, I'm happy for her. I know that it is good news. Most of the bloggers I follow have had a loss or two (or more), so their pregnancies give me hope. Still, it hurts. Even on cycles when we're not trying, because we're waiting to get everything in place, it hurts. Marie blogged about this recently. How, even when you're not trying, and there is zero chance of getting pregnant because you're actively preventing, it can still sting to see another BFP announcement from someone who is trying. I sometimes envy the fact that some people get to try every month, while I have to wait and plan.
Here's the thing, though. I may feel a flash of jealousy at first. I may feel a sting, or even a gut wrench that someone else is pregnant and I'm not, but it doesn't last. At least not with the ladies who have been through previous losses. Because, following on the heals of the BFP comes the anxiety. The watchfulness of milestone after milestone. The small sighs of relief followed by new anxieties and worries.
It's not that I want them to feel that pain. I wish we could all go back to the happy, naive state of first-time-pregnant-never-had-anything-go-wrong-so-there's-no-chance-it-will-happen-to-me magical thinking. (Actually, it's not magical for most people--for most people it's just true--but that's a rant for another day.) I would take away all the hurt of pregnancy after loss if I could. It's just that it is easier to go on supporting my on-line friends who get pregnant after loss, because they aren't smug and confident. They're dealing with a level of anxiety that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I genuinely want to help them get through it.
As time goes on, posts become more and more pregnancy oriented, but I don't mind. I begin to enjoy following their stories. I have, occasionally, stopped following a blog when someone got pregnant, but usually it was a blog that I only just found. If I'm invested in the blogger, if I've been following her story for several months, then watching her pregnancy is also less painful. Because I know how hard she struggled to get here. So I go on reading. I learn about what I have to look forward to. I make mental notes about what helps others when anxiety strikes.
I take every continuing pregnancy as a sign of hope that, if she can carry a pregnancy after loss, I can, too. Someday, it will be my turn, and I hope my readers will continue to follow and support me when it is. And I hope that, no matter how happy I may be for my own success, I will always remember to look back and offer support to my friends who are still in the trenches. I hope I will be able to break the news with sensitivity. And I hope that, in sharing my story, I will be able bring hope to others.
Of course, I'm happy for her. I know that it is good news. Most of the bloggers I follow have had a loss or two (or more), so their pregnancies give me hope. Still, it hurts. Even on cycles when we're not trying, because we're waiting to get everything in place, it hurts. Marie blogged about this recently. How, even when you're not trying, and there is zero chance of getting pregnant because you're actively preventing, it can still sting to see another BFP announcement from someone who is trying. I sometimes envy the fact that some people get to try every month, while I have to wait and plan.
Here's the thing, though. I may feel a flash of jealousy at first. I may feel a sting, or even a gut wrench that someone else is pregnant and I'm not, but it doesn't last. At least not with the ladies who have been through previous losses. Because, following on the heals of the BFP comes the anxiety. The watchfulness of milestone after milestone. The small sighs of relief followed by new anxieties and worries.
It's not that I want them to feel that pain. I wish we could all go back to the happy, naive state of first-time-pregnant-never-had-anything-go-wrong-so-there's-no-chance-it-will-happen-to-me magical thinking. (Actually, it's not magical for most people--for most people it's just true--but that's a rant for another day.) I would take away all the hurt of pregnancy after loss if I could. It's just that it is easier to go on supporting my on-line friends who get pregnant after loss, because they aren't smug and confident. They're dealing with a level of anxiety that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I genuinely want to help them get through it.
As time goes on, posts become more and more pregnancy oriented, but I don't mind. I begin to enjoy following their stories. I have, occasionally, stopped following a blog when someone got pregnant, but usually it was a blog that I only just found. If I'm invested in the blogger, if I've been following her story for several months, then watching her pregnancy is also less painful. Because I know how hard she struggled to get here. So I go on reading. I learn about what I have to look forward to. I make mental notes about what helps others when anxiety strikes.
I take every continuing pregnancy as a sign of hope that, if she can carry a pregnancy after loss, I can, too. Someday, it will be my turn, and I hope my readers will continue to follow and support me when it is. And I hope that, no matter how happy I may be for my own success, I will always remember to look back and offer support to my friends who are still in the trenches. I hope I will be able to break the news with sensitivity. And I hope that, in sharing my story, I will be able bring hope to others.
Sunday, August 8
First Family Pregnancy
So, today we had the first announcement of a family pregnancy since our losses. A cousin of DH's. Of course the news came through my FIL (who started pressuring us to get preggo in his wedding toast). I never thought it would be this hard! I never thought I'd be one of those people who had to turn aside questions about when we were going to start a family, because I always planned on starting one right away. But here I am. Here we are. with another reason not to see the in-laws until we have a baby. Not that having a baby will make our relationship with them any easier . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)