Crazy Busy

OMG I have been going insane being busy the past few days! A lot of it is just regular stuff, but that keeps me busy enough, and on top of the regular stuff I'm preparing for my second LIT treatment, knowing my arms will be out of commission for a few days. And then The Mister sprained his ankle yesterday. OUCH! He couldn't put *any* weight on it yesterday, and we were both worried he had fractured something. So that necessitated a trip to Urgent Care. Luckily, the X-rays didn't show any breaks or fractures, and the latest thinking is that it is okay to use the foot, as long as it doesn't hurt too much. Of course he's on ibuprofen, and the doctor gave him permission to take a higher dose, so he's much better today, but still! And I'm still in the getting over it phase of my cold. Ugh! What a week!

My voice survived two music classes on Monday, and another one on Tuesday. I can't remember if I'be mentioned that I'm doing monthly music with my friend Gwyn's daughter and one of her friends. It's much more layed back than the kinder classes, but still a lot of fun.

Anyhoo, with all of that, I haven't had much time to work on my new blog, but it will get done soon.

Oh, and I'm seriously considering getting a lap before we start TTCAL again. I talked to Ms. Bird about it at acupuncture, and she's in favor of not assuming that everything is structurally okay. So I'd appreciate any opinions or advice anyone has to offer on that topic. Particularly when it comes to what sort of indications I need to have to get a doctor to think it's warranted, and/or to get my insurance to cover it. TIA!

March 2012

I calculated it out, and, what with delays because The Mister can't get time off to travel until mid-late November, and then all the wait times between treatments and retesting, etc, the absolute earliest we will be able to TTCAL again is March 2010. Which means our chances of a baby in 2012 are slim. Because, although Dr. I was optimistic that this would work for us, Dr. R has been just as optimistic every time I've seen him. I'm getting tired of doctors and their optimism. Just because I'm young and I ovulate on my own, it doesn't mean the treatments will work. Nothing has worked so far. Why should I believe this next round of treatment will do more than tell us that we need to look further for our solution?

I'm not very optimistic tonight. Maybe that's because I was hoping we'd be TTCAL again in January, and even waiting that long seemed hard. March is 4-5 months away. That's an effing long wait. Maybe it's also because I overstimulated myself today. And maybe it's also because it's past midnight, The Mister isn't home yet from second shift, and I'm lonely. I should at least get ready for bed . . .

I Never Know When the Pain Will Hit

Today, I was having a good day. In fact, things have been good for the past few weeks. Ever since I started thinking about fighting for a baby, instead of fighting against having RPL and that meaning I'm infertile. Then I open a post in my reader to see that one of the bloggers I follow is celebrating her second wedding anniversary. And she already has a baby in her arms, in spite of RPL and clotting disorders. And The Mister and I are coming up on our two year anniversary next month and not only am I not pregnant, we aren't likely to be in a place to even be TTCAL again until the beginning of next year.

I know everyone's story is different, and usually other people's stories bring me hope, but I didn't realize that this particular blogger's time in the land of IF had been so, comparatively, short, and suddenly, I envied her. It opened all my old wounds, and I find myself, once again, asking why I couldn't have just had FVL like my cousin. One simple clotting disorder, with a simple treatment, and then a healthy pregnancy or two. It really sucks to have so many effing things wrong with me, and to feel like I will never really be certain we have found them all. I will always be waiting for something else to go wrong, and for them to discover another undiagnosed problem.

No matter how hopeful I am, I can never be certain. I can never be sure.

More Waiting

I finally got the call I was waiting for--all my test results are in! Yay!

So now *they* have my results . . .  but I don't.

And the next available consult is on . . . wait for it . . .  October 13th.

Yeah. I have to wait another 4 weeks to actually talk to someone. Which *sucks*. I'm glad the waiting period is defined, and not open-ended, but I wish it wasn't so long. I was hoping to start TTCAL again in October. Now it will probably be November at the earliest before we can start. :-(

So, in the meanwhile, while I wait, I'm planning some posts on food. I'm trying to figure out how to get variety in my diet while staying low GI and gluten and dairy free. It's hard, but I'm slowing finding the resources I need. Look for recipes and cookbook recommendations in the upcoming weeks!

P.S. Thanks so much for the affirmations on my last post. I really appreciated all of you who recognized how big a deal it is for me to accept that this is my journey so I can shift my energy into fighting to bring a baby into my life, forever.

Quick Update

• Things are wonderful. I'm very focused on life in the real world, and it's really helping my mood--hence my silence on the blogs. I'll probably continue this way for a while, as it seems to be better for my mental health.
• Finally had my follow up with Dr. R. and got cleared to start TTCAL immediately. Full steam ahead for this cycle!
• I'm on a full-out anti-inflammatory protocol including diet, supplements, and a steroid once I'm pregnant.
• Feeling very hopeful and trying to focus on the positive, rather than everything that could go wrong.
• To those who asked where we vacationed, the pictures were taken at various spots along the Northern California coast.

Just When Things Were Getting Better . . .

I was starting to feel fairly content with the way things are going, and with waiting another cycle after this one to start TTCAL again. I was even starting to feel okay around pregnant women and people with small kids. Not wonderful, but starting to feel more hopeful than bitter, seeing them. So, of course, since I'm getting the hang of this whole coping with RPL/IF thing, the universe has to toss another curve ball my way. It was unexpected, even though it shouldn't have been. Part of me knew that this might happen, but I was hoping it wouldn't.

Gwyn is pregnant. And I'm worried about what will happen to our friendship if I don't get and stay pregnant, soon. It's hard, even though she's been through some similar things and is very supportive and sympathetic to my feelings. I was really hoping we'd be pregnant together, but I was (selfishly) hoping I'd be the one to get pregnant first. And I was, with Poppy, but  I didn't stay pregnant. Now Gwyn is pregnant and I have to wait until I see Dr. R in a few weeks to even think about trying again. I'm happy for Gwyn. Really. And I want everything to go smoothly for her. I just want to be able to be pregnant *with* her, to have babies close in age. Please! Is it too much to ask????

Now I feel like the internal pressure for this next try to work is going to be much more intense. Because now there is a clock ticking in my mind. The farther Gwyn's pregnancy progresses (assuming everything goes well), the farther I fall behind her. What if I don't stay pregnant next time, or the next? What if she has her baby and I just have more miscarriages? What will that do to our friendship? Right now, I envy her. Even though I still like her and want to spend time with her. I hope I can deal with these feelings and adjust and be able to stay in this friendship (which has meant so much to me). But just for now, I need to admit that it is really, really hard, and I am really really worried about the future of our friendship.

What Is Hope?

Two recent posts (here and here) have combined with my own feelings of melancholy to get me thinking about what hope is and how it works.

I do not feel hopeful right now about our chances of having biological children. I look back at my three pregnancies and worry about how none of them even made it to the hcg starting gate so to speak. I don't know if I would have more or less hope if I had seen a BFP or a heartbeat, but I know that, the way things stand right now, it is very hard for me to envision myself ever staying pregnant.

And yet, we are still moving forward as if that is our goal--as if it will happen. As I type, The Mister is at a specialty clinic to give a sample for testing. Tomorrow, I will make an appointment to discuss the results of all our recent testing with Dr. R. We will probably be TTCAL again in June. But I have no hope for a positive outcome.

Instead, my mind runs on other possibilities. Will we try to adopt? What if we find an agency we like, but have to wait to even apply because we've only been married a couple of years? Will we keep TTCAL again and again and again in the meantime? When will we stop? How will we know enough is enough?

And yet, I sometimes imagine myself pregnant with a second or third baby. I can't really imagine being pregnant with the first one, but I can imagine having been pregnant and given birth--does that make sense?

My mind turns again, to all the risk factors I have learned about. I hope that knowing about and treating so many things ahead of time: PCOS; MTHFR; thyroid issues; possibly immune issues, will lower my risks back down closer to normal. I hope, but no one can tell me for sure what the outcome of a pregnancy that continues will be.

Still, I want that experience. I want to find out. It is still worth the risk. Is that hope? I don't know.

My mind turns also to foster care. Right now, it is the option that I am most drawn to. Heart wrenching as I know it must be, I think I would prefer that type of involvement with children. Teaching is a way to have contact with children, but I would rather be the parent at home, sending my children to school (even if they are foster children) than the childless teacher who comes home to a quiet, adults-only house. If we cannot stay pregnant and adoption becomes too complicated, I think I would prefer to be a foster parent than to live completely child-free. Who knows, we might someday even be lucky enough to adopt through the foster system.

Is my willingness to go on moving forward, even though I cannot imagine the outcome I long for truly happening, a form of hope? Or is it something else? What is hope? Have I lost it? Or is it simply more quite and devious right now, circumventing my melancholy and pessimism to keep me moving towards a dream I really don't want to give up on?

Appointment Made

First, I want to thank everyone who offered their support over the last few days. I really, really appreciated it. It especially meant a lot to me that you went to bat for me when you thought I was being bullied, and that you told me I had handled the situation well in the end. Thank you all so very much!!!!

Now, on to my news: once The Mister gets on something it happens really fast. He's got his appointment for the Sperm DNA Fragmentation Assay later this week. He has to go to a guy doctor to make his, um, deposit, but the results will be sent directly to Dr. R. So once he's had his appointment, we should be able to schedule our follow-up to go over the results of all the testing on both of us and make a new game plan.

We have also made plans for a short get-away right before Memorial Day Weekend. The Mister will be taking a week off, and we'll be driving to a scenic location and staying a few nights in a cozy B&B. I even got "permission" from Ms. Bird to go off my diet during that time--she thinks the chance to get away will be worth it for us. So the earliest we will be starting TTCAL again will be June. I'm actually okay with that. Much as I want to have a baby, soon, it's also really good to have some time off between pregnancies, to set some things in better order.

This weekend has been surprisingly difficult, and I'm having a PJ day today. I do need to get going, though, as I have acupuncture in a few hours, and then a support group to attend.

On a side note, I have been exploring and researching foster care a bit over the past few days. I've had an interest in fostering for years, and The Mister and I have discussed becoming foster parents someday. I'm not actually thinking of it in terms of fost/adopt, since I know that the goal of foster care is usually reunification. It is more as an adjunct to our other family building goals--a way to reach out and help more children than we might otherwise be able to raise from infancy to adulthood. Challenging as foster parenting is, I think it would also be very rewarding.

Plans for Coping with Pregnancy Symptoms

I'm re-opening the name/url and anonymous comment options, with a new post On Commenting to go along with them. I hope this will prevent future problems.

Now, I'd like to respond to these two comments, asking about my projected plans for dealing with early pregnancy symptoms once I finally manage to stay pregnant. Go read the comments (they're published, now) if you want. I'll wait.

You're back? Good. Here goes.

First, I have some questions of my own, and I wish I could contact this person by e-mail to ask them privately: Why are you so worried about this issue? Are you a doctor or midwife? Did you have a lot of nausea and vomiting in your own pregnancy(ies)? Also, how much of my blog did you explore before commenting? Were you aware, when you used the word "survive" in your first comment that I've been worried lately about my risk for preeclapmsia (a life-threatening condition)? I am glad you clarified that your question was about nausea and vomiting, because from your first comment, I thought you were implying that a full term pregnancy would be likely to endanger my life. I am certainly aware that my pregnancy will be higher risk than other women, but so far, none of my care-providers have tried to dissuade me from trying again.

About the nausea issue, all I can say is that, honestly, I have been more concerned about the exhaustion I experienced, and how that will impact my ability to do things like grocery shopping and food prep during the first trimester. My PCOS/fertility diet is so limited that pre-prepared food is pretty much out of the question--someone will need to be cooking for me. The Mister and I have discussed several possible ways to deal with this situation, but which we choose will depend on how things develop once I actually stay pregnant.

To me, nausea during early pregnancy is a welcome nuisance. It means my baby is still alive. It's reassuring, every time I feel it, and it usually calms right down if I eat a small, high-protein meal or snack. I expect to be more nauseous than some women, but again, none of my care-providers have suggested that I might need to worry about excessive vomiting just because I start noticing fairly strong "hunger nausea" early in pregnancy.

I hope this answers your questions.

I Did It!

I went in for the dreaded blood draw. It was kind of a let down. It turned out not to be a lot of blood, just a lot of teeny, tiny vials. I didn't faint, although my arm did get numb, and the tech was good. She got my vein on the first try and kept me distracted while the vials filled. All in all, it was smooth and easy! :-) Now we just wait for the results.

The other thing that absolutely needs to happen before we try again is a test for The Mister, called a sperm DNA fragmentation test. Dr. R. is lukewarm about it, but I really want it done. If I'm going to be considering immunology treatments, then I want to be as sure as we can be that there's nothing else causing problems. It's one of those things that's mostly fixed by diet, lifestyle, and supplements.

I think I've decided against the second opinion consult--at least not with the RPL specialist I mentioned before. For one thing, I didn't realize how short a time she had been in practice (only 10 years, including her fellowship). For another, all the on-line reviews I read about her criticized her bedside manner. She was apparently rushed, rude, and unsympathetic. Oh, and because she works at a teaching hospital, she has residents handling a portion of her practice, and you can't refuse to be seen by them. It also sounded like she wasn't open to discussion multiple options and treatment plans. On top of that, Ms. Bird said none of her patients who work with doctors at that particular teaching hospital have ever gotten pregnant. Not very reassuring.

So I'm sticking with Dr. R. at the moment. At least he has a good bedside manner and encourages me to be an active participant in my care and treatment.

Happy Week, Harder Day

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by to offer support this week. To all the folks from the LFCA, your insights are much appreciated. I'm seriously considering going for a second opinion to help myself make this decision. There's an RPL specialist in my area that I didn't know about last fall, when I was first looking for a doctor, so I'm going to see about having a consult with her. Hopefully that will help me decide what direction to take.

Also, thank you so much to those of you who took the time to comment on my Ugly Duckling post. I really appreciated hearing from each of you.

This week has been a very good week, but today has been harder. I'm not sure why. Still, even though I am feeling worried and sad and unsure of what to do next, I don't feel like I'm drowning in all those emotions. They are still hard, but I'm managing to ride the waves and not get sucked under (even if I do get an occasional face-full of the salt-water of grief). For me, that is just huge progress.

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully the bloggy-writing juices will start flowing again soon, and I'll have something more interesting to post . . .

Waiting for a Sign

That's what I'm doing. Along with coming up with questions for Dr. R, Ms. Bird, and people here in the ALI community about RI. I am doing some research, but mostly, I'm just waiting for some sort of sign as to whether I should move forward with the immune tests before we TTC again.

I'm amazingly calm and patient with myself during this waiting process. I am usually a very impatient person and hate waiting. But right now, I'm okay with not knowing what I'm going to do next, as long as I can wait until I know to take action. That seems to be the key for me. All my life, it has taken me a long time to get used to changes and make the decision to try something new, but once I decide to do it, I go full steam ahead. So I'm waiting for that feeling of knowing what the right choice is for me, right now.

Which, apparently, leaves me with not much to say on my blog. :-) I mean, how many times can I say, "I'm still waiting to know what I want."? That would get old really fast. :-)

Fears and Indicision

I'm back to where I was 6 months ago, when I was afraid of finding out what was wrong with me, because I was afraid of the risks involved in the treatment. I'm surprised to discover that I am still afraid of taking the next step, treatment-wise. But I am. I still want this to be simple. I still want it to be easy.

I am afraid that the more tests we do, the more problems will show up. I'm afraid of the messiness of treating every possible cause without knowing if they are all, actually causing problems. I am afraid of the cost: emotional, physical, financial. I am afraid to pay the toll. I am afraid of what this means about me. I am afraid of admitting that I am broken.

I am angry that I am so broken. This isn't fair. Part of me is like an ostrich, believing that, if I keep my head in the sand, the danger will disappear. That same part of me is saying, "Look, you survived a third miscarriage. You didn't think you'd be able to survive another loss, but here you are, still alive. It wasn't that bad. So what if you have to have a few more losses along the way? Maybe it was just a fluke, or starting the medication too late or something. Maybe if you try better and follow the protocol more perfectly next time, you'll succeed without having to do all that messy immunology stuff. Give yourself another chance!"

That part of me has a really loud voice (we'll call it voice A). There is also another voice (voice B), prompting me to ask for some immunology testing. Now that I have the test orders in hand, either voice B has gotten quieter or voice A has gotten louder. At any rate, I am no longer certain of what I should do. I have made an appointment at the lab, even though I am still afraid, but I am not sure I'm going to keep it. I may decide to work through some of this fear first, then reschedule.

I think my fear is largely fed by the fact that Reproductive Immunology is an emerging, experimental field. Which means that depending on who you talk to, it's either the holy grail of IF/RPL treatments or it's total quackery. I haven't found any resources that give a balanced view of the risks and benefits of using immunological treatment. They may be out there, but I haven't found them. That scares me. I want to keep my head on my shoulders and think for myself and make sane decisions, but I am afraid that my fear of another loss will cause me to grasp at the straws of half-proven, cutting-edge, supposed "miracle" cures. I want to be a bit more sane than that. I want to stay level-headed. I want to make good choices that will preserve my health, while giving me a chance at a healthy baby.

Also, the treatments I've been on didn't make a big difference in my symptoms (which are the main diagnostic factor Dr. R. uses). I've increased my metformin and my exercise and added two new supplements (coQ-10 and NAC) and this month there has been a noticeable change in the length of my folicular phase. The cycle of my third miscarriage, I ovulated early (around CD 9 or 10) and I think it's possible that the egg wasn't mature. Also, right from the beginning, before I even started testing and treatment, I believed that something would have to change before conception, because my losses were so early. I'm still not convinced that starting the lovenox and prometrium so late (11dpo) wasn't a big part of the reason for my third loss. I still think that there are changes we could make with the information we have, without going into the immunology testing just yet.

I am a mess of indecision. I just don't know which path to take. I could use some advice (or at least some stories of your experiences). I'd like to ask those of you who have considered or used immunological treatments to share your experiences with me, if you are willing. What made you decide for or against using these treatments? How much did you research them before making your decision? If you used any immune treatments, which ones did you use and did you have any side effects? Can you recommend any books or other resources (you can see which books I've already read here)?

TIA I really appreciate all the support I get here from all my readers.

Watching as My Dreams Slip Away . . .

For years I have watched, helpless, as the winds of time tear my dreams to shreds that fall about me and blow away. I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. It still hurts.

First to go was my plan to have my first child by the time I was 23, closely followed by my desire for a minimum of five children. The number of children I hoped for diminished slowly from five or more to three or four. When The Mister first broached the subject I told him I wanted at least three children and that home birth was a given. He willingly agreed, and "my plan" became "our plan".

More than two years later, we were (finally) ready to start our family, and everything looked good. Our family doctor said we were both in good health, and we got pregnant right away. I had read lots of birth and pregnancy books, joined MDC, and chosen a midwife. Even our first miscarriage didn't shake my confidence. I told myself it was a fluke and that the next pregnancy would be fine. Then, the second miscarriage came, mirroring the first, and I went into shock and denial. I refused to search for answers for months, clinging to my dream of midwifery-model prenatal care and home birth. We decided to wait at least three cycles before trying again, and I made some dietary changes. I believed that eventually a pregnancy would stick.

Over the ensuing weeks and months, the denial slowly slipped away, to be replaced by a grief so deep I couldn't fathom trying again without answers. What I eventually learned was that several, treatable conditions had contributed to my miscarriages. With the help of modern medicine and a special doctor, I have a good chance of carrying to term. This news brought hope flickering back to life, even as my plan to stay out of the obstetrician's office and the maternity ward disintigrated.

Now, I begin to dare to dream again of bellies and babies. While it can be comforting to allow myself to hope, there is always the risk that events won't unfold according to plan. Though the realities of pregnancy loss have shaken my illusions of control, admitting that I can neither predict nor direct the future is terrifying.

Losing Astin and Ember shattered my sense of self, along with most of my dreams for the future. I still cling to the vision of the woman I thought I would become, even as she slides out of reach. Without her, I am a lonely husk, facing a sea of fear and despair. I cannot bear to be that woman or face that sea for long. Instead, I turn away and incubate dreams so fragile, they crumble to shreds at the slightest touch of reality. Dreams and reality are incompatible right now, yet hope still flickers in my heart, calling me to discover my future.

Music and Fertility

I taught my first music lesson today. I did a half lesson, (15 min) and it was easier than I expected. I'm going to plan a full 30 minutes for next week. I remember that in the fall I was quite intimidated by the idea of creating lesson plans and teaching every week, but now I'm feeling much more confident. The kids caught on quickly and were, for the most part, well behaved. I was able to keep the disturbances to a minimum.

The only bummer was finding out that the long term sub, whom I really liked, is leaving. Today was his last day. Someone else will be taking his place, possibly for the rest of the school year. So yet another upheaval for this classroom. I hope, now that my schedule is set, the transition will go smoothly for me. I hope I won't have to do much re-negotiating with the new teacher. That was the really difficult part, and the reason why it took me so long to get into the classroom. I was supposed to start teaching back in October! Anyway, now I'm in, and on the schedule, things should go well.

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

In other news, I talked to Ms. Bird today about my blood deficiency. She said she has already seen some improvement, and a couple more months should be enough to give me a good foundation for pregnancy. She did a couple of new fertility points on my hands today--on my fingers. Ouch! They were really intense for the first few minutes, but then things backed off and I barely noticed them for the rest of the session. She said the intensity is a good sign, it means those are working and that I really need them. One is specific to miscarriage prevention, and I figure I can take a few minutes of discomfort each week if it will increase my chances of carrying to term!

I got another set of ear-balls (of course) and also some acupressure points to work on my own at home, to help with my lower back pain. 

I'm doing well, emotionally, with this change in my plans for when to get pregnant. I've accepted that it is for the best, and I am a bit relieved to have more time to get things together before we start TTC for real. One thing I'm working on is deciding on a good calcium supplement. I hear that Love.nox leached calcium from your bones, and I don't want to end up with osteoporosis! I asked Ms. Bird, but she said to ask at Whole Foods. I was hoping to avoid that. Oh, well, I guess those Whole Body folks know their stuff . . . I'm open to suggestions if any of my readers has a favorite cal/mag supplement.

Going to Erehwon

I've had a really rough weekend. It started on Friday at acupuncture. Don't get me wrong, I love Ms. Bird, but I wish she hadn't waited so long to mention how serious blood deficiency is, both in general, and for me specifically. On Friday, I mentioned how I'm trying to add some more animal products to my vegetarian diet--specifically chicken. Ms. Bird probably meant to encourage me when she said how good that was in light of my blood deficiency, but she also mentioned how she had been blood deficient during one of her pregnancies and was in bad shape afterwards. Boy, did that ever start me worrying.

Over the weekend, I started to remember that a healthy pregnancy isn't just about the baby's health, it's about my health, too. If I go into it in poor shape, carrying to term will be that much harder, especially considering that MTHFR increases my risk of developing pre-e--something I definitely don't want to mess around with! So now I'm getting cold feet about TTC this cycle. I think it's still early enough to call it off and wait a few more months. I just wish Ms. Bird had explained all this to me a couple weeks ago! I hate not having complete information!

I'm worried though, that even if I wait 2 or 3 more months to try again, it won't do any good. I'm not convinced that diet and herbs will ever make much difference--or if they could make a difference, I don't see how 2 or 3 months would be enough for a significant change. I want to continue to believe in alternative medicine, but it's hard. I've spend years living what I thought was a very healthy life-style, relying on alternative medicine, and look where it got me. Two miscarriages. It's hard to trust again. Even though TCM is a different system, and I am making some changes, I'm making them so slowly, I don't know how long it will take for them to have an effect, and in the meantime, I want a baby. I want to be a mama. I don't want to go on longing and grieving with empty arms. I want some comfort. I don't know where the balance point is anymore.

Emotionally, things are really stressful right now, and not only because of trying to integrate this new information and decide, again, whether to continue with TTC now or wait. The other thing that went wrong at acupuncture was that I didn't get a new set of "ear balls" (little metal balls on a sticky plastic circle that press on an acupressure point on your ears--I find them very calming). I took last weeks' set off before my appointment, and forgot to ask for a new set. I'm on the verge of e-mailing to ask if I can come in today, just for a new set of ear balls. I was so able to be calm and even tempered the past 2.5 weeks, while I had them in.

So, collapsing plans with no idea what comes next and the loss of an extremely helpful coping tool, resulted in a minor breakdown last night. Feelings of helplessness, frustration, and panic abound. How was your weekend?

What Does This Message Mean?

This morning, I clicked over a blog I've been following for months and got this message:

Now I wonder, what happened? Did she delete her entire blog? Did she go completely private (not just password protected, but completely private)? What happened?

The teaser of the post in my Reading List was sensitive, so I can imagine she might have gone private. I don't want to publish it here without her permission, but I do want to send her my love and support. I know I can send that without commenting on her blog, but I wish I could tell her--I want her to know I'm thinking of her.

BBH @ PartlyCloudyWithAChanceOfSunshine, if you're reading this, know that I'm sending you huge (((HUGS))). You are in my thoughts and prayers.

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

AFM, no real updates here. Still semi-anxious, still using Circle+Bloom to relax, mostly just finishing lining up all my ducks so that if we do get a BFP this cycle I can rest as much as possible in the early weeks.


I do want to thank all my readers for your insights and support on these two posts last week Wigging Out and Who's Life Is It?. I'm still trying to figure out this whole, blogging etiquette thing. When is it important to say, "Thanks for the support!" and when do you just assume that your commenters know you appreciate them?

TIA for any insights into my questions in this post. ;-)

Who's Life Is It?

I had my second visit with Dr. Black today. It went well. Mostly just an intake-type visit, but at the end we had a few minutes to discuss the anxiety I've been going through over when to try again. The Mister and I have agreed that trying in January makes sense, and neither of us see enough benefit in waiting until March to justify that many more weeks of preconception worry. The thing that has been bothering me the most, is actually pretty silly. Ms. Bird said that in her ideal world, she'd want me to wait until March.

When I told Dr. Black that, she asked, "Who's life is it?" It was a good question. It reminded me that it's my life, and my decision. She also asked me how much difference I thought two more months of Chinese herbs would really make--how much I'd blame them if I had another miscarriage. I realized that I thing there is a small chance that they might make or break my chances of a healthy pregnancy, and a much bigger chance that a third miscarriage will mean there is something going on that we haven't tested for yet. I'm already planning to go in for immunological testing if I miscarry again. I will also probably give whatever herb Ms. Bird prescribes the full 3 months. But right now, I doubt that the herbs are a make-or-break proposition. Ms. Bird even said as much, herself, at my last appointment with her.

So here we go . . . gearing up for TTC next cycle . . . Scared and excited. Nervous. Dr. Black said "Cautiously optimistic" but that sounds too innocuous for how I feel. Anxious would be my word of choice--anxious to try again, and anxious about what might go wrong when we do.

Waffling

I'm going back and forth a lot in my mind on what my plans are. Right now I'm back to the TTC in January plan again. One thing I realized is that, even with a few months of therapy, the lead up to TTC is still going to be fraught with anxiety. Since I have had two miscarriages, I will be worried about what can go wrong no matter how much I am doing to prevent another one. Even if I wait the 3 months it will take for the Chinese herbs I'm using to be optimally effective, and even if they do create measurable changes in my cycle, I will still be anxious about what can go wrong. I can't get away from worry, and the longer I put off TTC, the more time I have to fret.

Right now, I'm feeling like it's time to get back on that horse. If I wait for the prefect time to get pregnant, I could be waiting forever, because there probably is no perfect time. What I need to look for is a time that will be "good enough" and January will probably be a "good enough" time to try again. I've covered most of my basis by using both western and eastern medicine, but I'll never be able to cover them all. What am I waiting for, a sign from God?

Complications

The past week has brought innumerable complications. Life has become so convoluted. Well, planning to TTC again has anyway . . . Here is the blow-by-blow:

Acupuncture

The acupuncturist wanted to do a hormone panel with 7dpo progesterone and cd3 labs before prescribing herbs. Now, after a month of treatment, she's ready to prescribe the herbs, and I find out that she wants me to be taking them for 2-3 months before we start TTC again (3 months in an ideal world). Here I was thinking we were gearing up for TTC in January, because then I'd have had 2 months of meds and acupuncture. I didn't realize the herbs were so important.

At first, I was disappointed. I wanted to be pg again by Valentines Day. I never memorized the due dates from my first two pregnancies, but with the second, I had it in my mind that we would have a baby by Valentines Day. Because of that, I don't think I can handle the stress of being actively TTC in February this year. So that would mean pushing things back to March.

My first reaction to that was "NO! I don't want to wait that long!!!!" But the next day, I noticed that I was feeling better. Less stressed. The acupuncturist had done an emotional treatment, but I don't think that was the main issue. I guess I'm really not ready to face the stress of TTC, getting pregnant, and worrying about another miscarriage just yet. I'm actually relieved that I'll have a few more months to prepare . . .

Therapist Search

I've talked to all four therapists now (For the moment, we'll call them A, B, C, & D). I met with therapist D yesterday. I meet with Therapist A on Monday. The other two (B & C) aren't taking on new clients at the moment. Therapist D has her office in the same place where my midwife meets with clients. Not good. Personality-wise, experience-wise, it would have been a good fit, but in that location? No thanks. I don't want to have to pass rooms full of bellies and babies on my way to and from RPL therapy. Therapist D was sensitive to this issue and offered to collaborate with therapist A (assuming I like her) if I need some of therapist D's special skills. This sounds like a good, if complicated arrangement. Therapist A was sympathetic on the phone, and I like her so far. Also, she is in-network--a major bonus. So now I just have to meet her and hope she is okay with collaborating with therapist D, should I need it. Like I said, it sounds like a win-win, but still, it's complicated!

Medical Stuff

Now for the most confusing bit. I asked Dr. R. about betas, and told him I wanted to go ahead and start Love.nox and progesterone each cycle. Here is what he said:

would use 30 mg of lovenox every month starting on the day of the iui and would start the progesterone twice a day starting 2 days after the iui. would stop it if not pregnant.

yes, we always check the hcg in the beginning of pregnancies.

Sounds good, except the Love.nox that he prescribed for me to have on hand is 40mg and I'm not doing IUI's! (Bangs head against wall.) Sometimes e-mail conversations are so frustrating! So back I go with another e-mail and more questions.

I also noticed that my Fol.gard script will run out of refills before March, so if we wait that long to start TTC, I'll have to get that script updated. Which may mean another long trip to his office, probably through traffic. Unless he can call the script in without me having to go there . . .

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

I think I know what you veterans out there will say, "Welcome to the club." I know my situation is probably far less complicated than most of yours. But that doesn't change the fact that it is far more complicated than I ever anticipated getting pregnant would be. (I always thought the staying pregnant part would just take care of itself--miscarriage won't happen to me and all that lovely, ignorant denial.) Ignorance was bliss . . .