Aching, Empty Arms

Today was going to be a good day. But it all went south. I had a stomach upset in the morning that started things off on the wrong foot. Then, I was supposed to see one of my IRL miscarriage friends in the afternoon, but she had to cancel, because her daughter has a cold. We got to chat on the phone, but it's just not the same. I was so disappointed, and after we got off the phone I was just aching inside, feeling so lonely. It took me a while to process it, and figure out what I wanted.

What I wanted (and still want) is a baby to hold. I haven't had much empty-arms syndrome before now, but, maybe it's hitting me now because this is the time of year when Astin or Ember would have been due. If Astin hadn't died, he would be born by now, or if Ember had lived, she would be getting ready to be born. (Plus, tomorrow will be the 8 month anniversary of Ember's death.)  This longing to hold a baby is not specific. I think I would be comforted even by holding someone else's baby, but I don't know anyone IRL with a new baby right now.

So I created a substitute baby. I got out my baby doll (the one I dreamed about in this post) and my Moby Wrap (from when I was a nanny) and wore my doll around the house. It felt really comforting. The doll is made of wool and she warms up to body temperature, so she feels almost real, although much lighter than a live baby. I don't think I'm cracking. I know the difference between my doll and a live baby, but holding her has been a comfort today, a way to sooth myself.