Sad Day

Just really sad today. No good reason. AF showed up yesterday, but I don't think that's it. I think a lot of it is missing my babies. January--the month I thought I would be due. I didn't get far enough along to fix my mind on a due-date, just a due-month. Which means the whole f-ing month is hard. Next time, I'm going to memorize that due-date as fast as possible, so that if I do miscarry, I won't have to grieve hard through a whole f-ing month--I can fixate on one day, instead.

I watched a sad movie this afternoon, which didn't help.

I also had a therapy session today, and it was kind of intense. I've been feeling kind of impatient with the cognitive-behavioral approach Dr. Black has been taking so far. It seems like mind-games to me. Instead of asking me why I thought the "coping mechanisms" seemed like mind-games, Dr. Black just told me not to call them that. Which irritated me more. She wants me to think of them as ways to sooth myself. But they don't f-ing work! Sure, maybe for a few hours or a day, but then the anger comes right back. I think I must have finally gotten this across to her, because she suggested taking a different direction and doing some EMDR, which seems like a good option. I do have some serious childhood trauma to recover from, and the EMDR should help with that. I think one of the main reasons I am so angry these days is that the lack of control I feel following RPL mirrors the lack of control over my life that I felt as a child.

It's just really hard right now. For some reason, all these feelings are on the surface and I can barely function. I have to go in and teach another music lesson tomorrow, and I'm barely prepared. I hope I make it through.