Two Sides of the Same Coin?

Sometimes I think that unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage are somehow connected, like two sides of a coin. Both involve unforeseen, life-changing events. Both can be seen as catastrophic. But are they really that similar? Do women who have children as the result of unplanned pregnancies go on to bitterly resent every childless woman in the world? Do they feel intense rage and envy at the sight of a flat, never-been-pregnant belly?

Since my miscarriages, I've realized that no-one can plan reproduction. I don't know anyone who hasn't conceived either sooner or later than they were expecting to, or experienced a miscarriage, or chosen to have an abortion. Even the people I know who appear to have perfectly planned families don't actually have exactly what they wanted and planned for. I can't think of anyone for whom reproduction held no surprises.

But some surprises turn out to hold a lot of joy--along with all the work and effort and changed plans. You may be aware of downsides, but you don't have to look very hard for the joy. Most women who had unplanned pregnancies, or unexpected twins, or got pregnant the first month when they thought it would take them at least 6 months, will tell you that they have no regrets. They love their children. They are human, so they still wonder about might-have-been's, but they are, on the whole, happy and content.

Then there are other surprises. The pregnancy symptoms that go away and are followed by the worst cramps in the history of AF. The two pink lines the lead to bleeding instead of a baby. The abdominal pain that signals an ectopic pregnancy. The diseases that necessitate a "therapeutic termination" to save the mother's life. The babies with medical conditions that are incompatible with life outside the womb. The unexplained stillbirths. SIDS.

And still other surprises. The discovery that going off the pill does not result in two pink lines within one month. The realization that 6 months or a year of trying hasn't worked either. The test results that say someone's reproductive organs aren't working right. The diagnoses begin to come in: premature ovarian faliure, low sprem count, LPD, endometriosis, poor egg quality, PCOS, thrombophilia, immunological issues, etc, etc, ad infinitum.

These categories of surprises leave women and men embittered, disillusioned, green with envy, and exhasted from grief. If there is a silver lining in going through these experiences, we have to dig and search and grasp at straws to find it. We say that it has made us better people. More compassionate. More patient. But has it brought us joy? Are we happy? No. We may have moments of joy, but we are not joyful people. We are bitter, resentful, grieving, desperate women and men who want only to be parents. We know that life is unfair, but we don't accept it. We find ways to cope, but we would not have chosen this life.

If unplanned pregnancy and loss/infertility are two sides of the same coin, it is in the way the joy and suffering are two sides of the same coin. But that doesn't make the two experiences similar or comparable.