IF/RPL does things to your self-image. I feel broken. My body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I need a doctor for something that should be automatic. It's hard to love my body when it's letting me down, making it hard for me to achieve my biggest dream. And when I don't love my body, it's hard to want to take care of my body.
It shows up in subtle ways. I still feed myself, but I don't have much appetite. I have to convince myself that I *should* eat, because it's time to eat, but I have very little interest in food. Part of this is the met.formin, but I'm certain part of it is also psychological. Because there are other things I find it hard to do for myself. I used to do self-massage fairly regularly. I really enjoyed it, and my skin loved the moisturizer. I've fallen out of the habit this past year. Some days I don't even want to shower or brush my teeth--although I usually do.
It's one of the reasons I make sure I have somewhere to go almost every day. It gets me to make sure I feed and bathe and clothe myself. It helps. But I do these things out of knowing I should. I used to want to do them. I used to enjoy taking care of myself. Now I make myself take care of myself so that I will be healthy enough to have a good foundation for pregnancy when the medications finally work.
It is hard to take care of my body when I am angry at my body for letting me down. It is hard to forgive my body for killing off my babies. It is hard to live with this lot I've drawn.
P.S. Mother's Day was complicated for me for personal reasons. There are lot's of good posts about Mother's Day and IF in the blogosphere. I actually managed to enjoy the day, but it was very, very complicated, and too personal to blog about, even here.
I feel much the same way about my self care as of late. I used to love to come home from work, meet my friends for boot camp, come home, cook a good meal, do my favorite hobby and relax. Now it's just about all I can do to make it through the day. I have to force myself to brush my teeth and lotion? Well, I have now changed to spray oil in the shower because I just don't want to deal with my body. I am angry like you are with my body. It really let me down. I am sorry your Mother's Day was rough. Mine was as well and I'm glad it's over. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I eat because I have to, not because I'm hungry.
ReplyDeleteI try to make a point of getting semi-ready even if I'm not going anywhere. Taking a shower and putting on a little mascara helps me feel normal.
I've been really lazy with my hair. Leaving it curly rather than blowing it straight. Maybe it's a step in the direction of a new me. Maybe it's simply laziness.
Regardless, getting up and taking care of yourself is important. Albeit hard.
I can relate to this post 100%. I wish I could say the right thing, but I can say I know how it feels and that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteRight there with you, except on the eating part. I still want to eat all kinds of unhealthy crap. I don't let myself, but I want to.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started my 365 project I was hoping that it would give me an incentive to get dressed every day and at least wash my face and comb my hair. But as you can see from recent pictures, that hasn't been the case.
I'm sorry your Mother's Day was hard.
so sorry you are struggling right now to take good care of yourself. I find myself angry at my body often and gravitate towards particularly punishing work outs, not a nice thing to do to myself I know.
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you.