October 15th

Honoring all the mothers and fathers with aching, empty arms.

Remembering the babies who left too soon.

The never-forgotten angels.

 Thinking of yours.

Missing mine.

Astin

Ember

Poppy

Echo

Raven

Waiting for my rainbow baby.

Praying for a miracle the next time we try.

Aching for the day when I will be the parent of a living child.

March 2012

I calculated it out, and, what with delays because The Mister can't get time off to travel until mid-late November, and then all the wait times between treatments and retesting, etc, the absolute earliest we will be able to TTCAL again is March 2010. Which means our chances of a baby in 2012 are slim. Because, although Dr. I was optimistic that this would work for us, Dr. R has been just as optimistic every time I've seen him. I'm getting tired of doctors and their optimism. Just because I'm young and I ovulate on my own, it doesn't mean the treatments will work. Nothing has worked so far. Why should I believe this next round of treatment will do more than tell us that we need to look further for our solution?

I'm not very optimistic tonight. Maybe that's because I was hoping we'd be TTCAL again in January, and even waiting that long seemed hard. March is 4-5 months away. That's an effing long wait. Maybe it's also because I overstimulated myself today. And maybe it's also because it's past midnight, The Mister isn't home yet from second shift, and I'm lonely. I should at least get ready for bed . . .

Reproductive Immunology Consults (and other things)

So, I may have jumped the gun in making that appointment for the second opinion about my immunology issues. My consult with my original RI center was today, and I actually liked the doctor I spoke to (I'm going to call him Dr. I). I was worried about how he would react to the fact that I believe I've been pregnant 5 times, but have never had a BFP (a lot of people get skeptical about that). He did ask some questions, but after I explained, he basically summed it up by asking, "So, you assumed you were pregnant, but never got a positive test?" and I said "Yes," and that was that.

To my relief, Dr. I recommended a much more aggressive protocol than what the otherwise wonderful Dr. R was recommending. Dr. I said that my main issues are elevated cytokines, and low leuko.cyte antibodies. He's not as concerned about the additional clotting disorders, since they are what he calls "minor factors", although, since I have three of them, he will treat them during the first trimester. The low leukoc.yte antibodies were something I wasn't sure about the meaning of, since the word "NEGATIVE" was on the results, and usually that is a good thing, but I had read that these antibodies are protective, so I thought that maybe the result was actually supposed to be "POSITIVE". Turns out, the second interpretation was the correct one, and my le.ukocyte antibodies need to be increased enough that they will protect my babies from my immune system. The cytokines are a protein released by natural killer cells, and that protein is what is attacking my babies. So we want to reduce the level of that protein.

The treatment protocol includes leuk.ocyte immunization therapy (L.IT), for the low leu.kocyte antibodies, and hu.mira and IV.IG for the elevated cytokines, if the LIT alone doesn't bring them down. Dr. I said everything else I was taking looked good, and that he can even get me a cheaper source of progesterone when I run out! He also said that progesterone is important to take, because it is an immune suppressant as well. The only thing he changed was that I shouldn't take the dexamet.hasone next time. Dr. I disagrees with Dr. R, and doesn't think dex helps with cytokines. Dr. R did mention hum.ira back in May, as a possible treatment for the elevated cytokines, but he thought is was overkill. Now, after two more miscarriages I'm ready for  this more aggressive protocol.

But I'm not sure if I'm ready to confuse myself by talking to another doctor before I even try this protocol. If we try it and it doesn't work, then it might be worth talking to someone else, but right now . . . See, I found out that the second doctor would have different recommendations. He doesn't use LIT very much. He uses IVIG more. One thing that attracts me about LIT is that's effects can last for months or even years. IVIG doesn't have a lasting effect. It increases your antibodies more temporarily. The second doctor does offer some tests and treatments that Dr. I doesn't utilize, but they seem even more aggressive. How will I know if I really need them, if I don't at least try Dr. I's protocol? And is it worth paying a lot of $$$$ just to confuse myself? Right now, I don't think so . . .

Gah! This journey has so many decisions one must make and so much of it is trial and error that we just don't have time for!

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~

On a lighter note, I finally got my class assignments for my music docenting this year. I'll be teaching two kinder classes, starting this Monday. I am very excited. I just downloaded the Little Bird Dance by the Shenanigans to use as our first "movement activity". It's a good starting one, because it will help me see the kids level of body awareness without too much danger of collisions. It's the chicken dance, but with pretty much all the motions done in place, and most of them done sitting down.

What was a really big deal about this, was that I had to program my computer to be able to download the song. I use Ubuntu (a mostly user-friendly form of linux open source software) as my OS, and the Amazon mp3 downloader isn't compatible with the current version of Ubuntu. It isn't even compatible with the current long term support version of Ubuntu. (Ubuntu gets updated every 6 months. But every 2-3 years they come out with a version that will be supported for next 2-3 years, so you don't have to actually re-install ever 6 months. Those 2-3 year versions are called LTS or long term support, and that's what I use.)

So, I'm pissed at Amazon, for not bothering to at least be compatible with a LTS version of Ubuntu. However, the nice thing about open source is that, if you have a problem with it, someone else has probably had the same problem and posted the fix. Which was the case for me. Of course the fix required a little programming (in terminal), and I forgot some of my programing basics, but I eventually remembered or found them all, and it finally worked! I got the song downloaded and it played and everything!!!!!!! I am so very proud of myself!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Lest you get the wrong impression, I'm really not that big of a geek, but with The Mister being a geek and having all his computers run on Ubuntu, I wanted to be compatible . . . If he'd been an Apple guy, I would have been happy to be an Apple girl. I don't actually have a problem with hermetically sealed boxes, as long as the work. The Mister is the one who wants infinite customization capabilities. But I do want my computer to be compatible with his printer, and I want him to be able to read the documents I send him. So I do it his way. Because in the end, I don't really care, and knowing a little bit of programming can be fun. When it isn't frustrating. It was both this afternoon.

I Never Know When the Pain Will Hit

Today, I was having a good day. In fact, things have been good for the past few weeks. Ever since I started thinking about fighting for a baby, instead of fighting against having RPL and that meaning I'm infertile. Then I open a post in my reader to see that one of the bloggers I follow is celebrating her second wedding anniversary. And she already has a baby in her arms, in spite of RPL and clotting disorders. And The Mister and I are coming up on our two year anniversary next month and not only am I not pregnant, we aren't likely to be in a place to even be TTCAL again until the beginning of next year.

I know everyone's story is different, and usually other people's stories bring me hope, but I didn't realize that this particular blogger's time in the land of IF had been so, comparatively, short, and suddenly, I envied her. It opened all my old wounds, and I find myself, once again, asking why I couldn't have just had FVL like my cousin. One simple clotting disorder, with a simple treatment, and then a healthy pregnancy or two. It really sucks to have so many effing things wrong with me, and to feel like I will never really be certain we have found them all. I will always be waiting for something else to go wrong, and for them to discover another undiagnosed problem.

No matter how hopeful I am, I can never be certain. I can never be sure.

Going with My Gut

I've had a bad feeling about the reproductive immunology center I've been working with since I first considered them, back in February, after I lost Poppy. This has only intensified with every interaction I have had with them over the past 2 months. I don't like this place. I could give lot's of reasons, but it boils down to a gut feeling of wrongness. It took me 6 months and 2 more losses to get to the point where my need for answers outweighed the fear in my gut.

This week, I discovered that there is another option available to me. It took me just over 24 hours from discovering the new website of this doctor to making the phone call to schedule an initial consult. My gut feeling with this RI (reproductive immunologist) is positive. It was a huge relief to find him, to realize that I had options. The Mister is completely on board with checking out this second doctor. He said that, even if I had found and researched both places before we started the testing process, we still would have started the process with one, and kept the other in the backs of our minds, in case the first one didn't seem right.

I could stack up a lot of reasons why I think I'll end up liking the second doctor better than the first RI center, and why I need to consult with him now, but in the end, it comes down to going with my gut instinct. It's a difficult choice to justify, because it will cost more to go through the initial consult/testing process in two places as once, but I'd rather spend money than time. I don't want to waste my time at an RI center that I don't like when I know I could start with a different doctor from the beginning. We can always make more money, but we can never go back and regain lost time.

Scared but hopeful, that's me right now. And overall, I think I'm more hopeful than scared.

Apple Cinnamon Muffins

This is a modified version of a recipe from The Gluten-Free Almond Flour Cookbook by Elana Amsterdam*. I modified it because I still haven't ordered any almond flour, so I am getting by with almond meal (for an explanation of the difference and substitution info, visit this page). I also decreased the sweetness significantly to help lower the glycemic index. So, here is my recipe:

Ingredients:
2 cups almond meal (I used Bob's Red Mill)
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup arrowroot powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 cup grapeseed oil
1 Tablespoon agave nectar
2-3 large eggs
1 Tablespoon vanilla
water as needed
2 medium apples, peeled, cored and chopped into 1/4 inch cubes.

Preheat the oven to 350F. Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners.

Mix the dry ingredients. Almond flour gets clumpy, like this:

so I usually try to break up the clumps with a fork. The finished mix looked like this:

Wisk the wet ingredients together.

I was adapting this recipe from one that called for a half cup of agave nectar (*way* too much for me) and I wasn't sure whether I'd need 2 or 3 eggs to make up for it. I used 2 this time, but in retrospect, I should have gone for 3 eggs, because the batter turned out *way* too stiff. Still, I think it was better to need to add water than to have the batter too runny on my first attempt.

Mix the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. If the mixture is too thick at water 1 Tablespoon at a time until it is the desired consistency. I added about 8 Tablespoons, but my husband distracted me while I was adding the final one, so I don't remember whether it was the 8th or the 9th. I still ended up with a *very* thick batter, I had to scrape it off the spoon and into the muffin tins. I also forgot to take pictures for a while, so I'm missing a few steps, sorry!

Once the batter is a consistency you like, fold in the apples and spoon into the muffin tins.

Bake for 30-35 minutes, until golden brown. I found it really hard to tell when these muffins were done. My toothpick came out clean at 25 and 30 minutes, but the muffins were still *very* moist, and could easily have cooked a full 35 minutes.

Once you decide to call the muffins done, allow them to cool for 30 minutes in the pan, then serve!

*I got this book out of my local library after finding out about it on Keiko's Voices of PCOS week. I'm not getting paid to test and adapt these recipes, and I have no affiliation with the author. I am just someone who is very thrilled to finally be able to make baked goods again that are both gluten- and dairy-free, and also very low on the glycemic index. I've missed my baked treats!

Fall is Here

Yesterday was the first day this season that we've had what I consider to be real fall weather. The sky was a clear blue, wind rustled the leaves in the trees, and the temperature was warm enough for short sleeves but cool enough not to sweat at all. It's one of my favorite kinds of weather. It felt like the wind was sweeping the world clean! :-)