Today, I was having a good day. In fact, things have been good for the past few weeks. Ever since I started thinking about fighting for a baby, instead of fighting against having RPL and that meaning I'm infertile. Then I open a post in my reader to see that one of the bloggers I follow is celebrating her second wedding anniversary. And she already has a baby in her arms, in spite of RPL and clotting disorders. And The Mister and I are coming up on our two year anniversary next month and not only am I not pregnant, we aren't likely to be in a place to even be TTCAL again until the beginning of next year.
I know everyone's story is different, and usually other people's stories bring me hope, but I didn't realize that this particular blogger's time in the land of IF had been so, comparatively, short, and suddenly, I envied her. It opened all my old wounds, and I find myself, once again, asking why I couldn't have just had FVL like my cousin. One simple clotting disorder, with a simple treatment, and then a healthy pregnancy or two. It really sucks to have so many effing things wrong with me, and to feel like I will never really be certain we have found them all. I will always be waiting for something else to go wrong, and for them to discover another undiagnosed problem.
No matter how hopeful I am, I can never be certain. I can never be sure.
I can relate completely. I hate the jealousy that comes with this journey. It is something I'm fighting so hard to not let it consume me. But there are times where it just jumps out of nowhere. I always find myself comparing my situation to someone elses and thinking that I have it sooo much harder than they do or did. Like, why do I have to fight so hard for something that comes so easy for almost everyone else?
ReplyDeleteBut like I said I'm really fighting that. I'm trying to get to a place where I can just be happy for everyone.
(((hugs)))
I hope your TTC journey is almost over and that your take home baby is just around the corner!
By the way, this is Katharine from Grow Baby Grow! Just click on my name and you'll find my new blog!