Family History

So. I finally did it. On Sunday, I called my cousin. Because I knew she'd had a miscarriage or two, and remembered hearing that she'd been on blood thinners during her pregnancy. I knew all along that this was probably "it". When I read the book To Full Term I recognized the name Factor V Leiden. But I didn't want to ask. I was dealing with the grief of losing my precious babies. I didn't have the energy to cope with the certain knowledge of a heritable clotting disorder in my family. So I pushed it out of my mind and pretended it was low progesterone.

But on Sunday I finally called my cousin. And she confirmed what I already knew. Factor V Leiden (FVL) runs in my family. And the whole family has a history of miscarriage, RPL, and clotting problems. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but everything is pointing in the same direction. My symptoms really don't match low progesterone or LPD. But they are very similar to my cousin's experiences. I'll be really surprised if I don't have FVL.

Now I have to face the fact of having a thrombophilia. If have FVL, it puts me at risk for deep vein thrombosis (DVT), and pulmonary embolism (PE). My risk of those things is relatively low as a young, active adult, but it will increase as I get older, or any time my body is in a high estrogen state. Like if I get pregnant. Also, during pregnancy, my risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, premature birth, and possibly even pre-eclampsia goes up. So basically, every time I get pregnant I put someone's life at risk--mine and/or my baby's.

Now the risks of FVL during pregnancy are treatable, with good success, but I'll still be considered high-risk. I have absolutely zero chance of ever being considered low-risk if I have FVL. Which makes me really sad and angry. I know most of my blog readers won't understand this, but I wanted a home birth. I was born at home, and I planned to give birth at home. Now, it turns out that I may be too high-risk to ever get to fulfill that dream. (I think I hear someone laughing at my expense.)

I'm feeling bitter and miserable right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't even have an OB to go to to get tested--I have a midwife! And I don't even know if she can order the test for FVL. I'm glad I saved finding out about this until now. I don't think I could have coped with the implications of having FVL in the early stages of my grief over Ember's and Astin's deaths. Now, I've dealt with some of that grief, I think I can handle facing the reality that I probably have FVL. But handling it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it, does it?

I don't want to live with this. I don't want pregnancy to mean 9+ months of sticking myself with needles. I thought I'd never do anything like this to have children. I thought, if it was that hard, I'd adopt. But the more I learn about adoption, the more I realize that it's not an easy process. It's just as invasive as heparin shots or any other form of ART. (Does using heparin to treat FVL related loss count as ART?) So there is no "just" adopt. And there is no "just" try IVF. There is only my reality. Which is that I might be able to carry to term someday without heparin. All my aunts did. But no one can tell me how many losses I will have to suffer to get there. And the emotional risk of loss outweighs the medical risks of heparin. I'm willing to go there. Because I want a baby, not another shattered dream.

Rain Child wrote about similar feelings in her post I honestly never thought I would be here. Go read it. She's a really good writer, and even though her story is very different from mine, she expresses what it's like to be using previously unthinkable technology and treatments very well.