More thoughts on my next step.

If you've read through some of my earlier posts, you'll know that I'm doing a lot of thinking about what comes next in my journey to motherhood. I have some ideas, but I haven't decided which step to take first. I've been researching natural practitioners in my area who specialize in fertility/infertility. I have a favorite possibility and a few back up choices in mind, but I'm scared to actually make an appointment.

I think part of the issue is that, as long as I don't know what is wrong, what is causing me to miscarry at 10-12 dpo, I can pretend it's something relatively simple and relatively easy to fix. But once I start getting tests done, I will have to face reality. It might not be simple. There might be more than one thing wrong. It might be inexplicable. Or the course of treatment might be something I'm not willing to go through.

So I'm thinking a lot. I'm thinking about what the known causes of miscarriage are. And what the known treatments are. And which ones I would be willing to go through with. And which ones I'd rather forgo. But the truth is I don't know how to decide. And I don't know how much I'm willing to do, how much I'm willing to go through to experience pregnancy and birth. And I won't know until I find out why my miscarriages happened.

I'm also thinking a lot about when to try again. I have done some things to improve my general health, and also some things that are specific to help my reproductive system get more healthy. I'm currently having a four week series of energetic healings done. But I'm wondering how I will know if they "took". I'm considering whether I should try again during the four week course of "treatment", or wait until it's over and then try the next cycle, or wait until I've had some tangible tests and been given a green light by a health care provider.

I wish there was someone I could talk all this over with. DH tries to help, but he doesn't have any more answers than I do. I'm considering going back to the midwife I saw for my preconception PAP and talking things over with her. She might have some helpful insights. She might know something about the natural fertility specialists I'm considering. And she might be able to answer some of my questions about the risks associated with certain treatments.

I'm particularly concerned about blood clotting factors. At least one of my cousins needed to be on blood thinners in order to carry a pregnancy to term. I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm getting close to sending her a letter, asking which one she was diagnosed with, and whether she knows if it came from her mother's (my aunt) side of the family or her father's. If it came from my aunt's side of the family, simple statistics would give me a 25% chance of having the same disorder. That's really high compared to the generally population. Gulp.

I think I'm almost ready to deal with these things, to face reality. I had to face my grief over losing Astin and Ember first. It's been a really hard 4-5 months. But things are feeling better and much more stable, and I'm starting to think I'm strong enough to handle the answers to my questions.

So that's where I'm standing right now. I'm so scared. I don't want to be broken. I just want to make babies. I was reading someone else's blog today, and she said, "If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans." I hate the thought that God is laughing at my expense. I would rather think that God is compassionately holding me as I confront my worst nightmare. I am human, and I cannot see the big picture. Someday, I hope I will look back on this time and understand what it was for. I hope that someday I will be able to see this unexpected road block as some kind of blessing that led me to something good. But right now, it's not good, and I need a loving, compassionate God to support me through it. Human support helps, too. I guess that's why I blog.

P.S.  Ms. Pollywog over at Funny Little Pollywogs is trying to collect 100 baby blankets to donate in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on Oct 15th. Please click here and help. The blankets will be donated to hospitals and given to parents whose babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth. Every blanket will become a treasured keepsake.

P.P.S. What I really need today are virtual hugs. I'm not actually looking for advice on my blog. It's more of a venting place for me. I would really appreciate knowing that someone is "listening" though.