Therapist Chosen, Still Feeling Alone

I decided to move forward with the therapist I saw yesterday (I was calling her Therapist A). From now on I'll refer to her as Dr. Black (she was dressed in black). She was very professional, and I felt comfortable crying in front of her. Also, she focused on what was important to me, and didn't try to insert her own opinions or tell me her personal story. I think that she will be able to help me, at least to function somewhat better, even though she was very clear that the feelings I am experiencing are a normal part of grief and can't be changed overnight or forced to heal faster. It really helped to have someone say that. It's as if she gave me permission to go on grieving, even though it's been 7 months since my second miscarriage.

But despite how helpful she was, and how glad I am to have chosen someone to work with, I still feel alone. I don't know anyone outside my family who has experienced RPL without any other infertility. And unfortunately, I'm not close enough to my relatives who have gone through RPL to lean on them for support.

Even if it's normal for me to still be grieving 7 months after my second miscarriage, is it normal for me to be so afraid to try again? I sometimes almost wish I didn't conceive so easily, so we would have some impetus to at least start trying. If we didn't conceive so easily, I'd be wanting to give myself as many chances as possible to get pregnant soon. As it is, though, I am afraid actually to try, because I am fairly certain that I will conceive as soon as we ditch birth control. If it turns out my meds and acupuncture and herbs aren't enough to keep me pregnant I'll have to go through another loss. It's as if I've fallen off the TTC horse, but because conceiving again will probably be easy, I don't have a reason get right back on--in fact, waiting looks like a plus, biologically--but the anxiety is getting worse with time.

To me, TTC doesn't mean a potential pregnancy, it means a probably 3rd loss. How do I get past that and learn to trust my body again? How can I believe that the medication will work, when the only test is to get pregnant and see what happens? How will I cope if I have another miscarriage, when I'm already falling apart at the seams?

More than anything, I want to be pregnant and give birth to DH's and my biological child, but what if my body really is too broken to ever carry a pregnancy to term? What if I get through the first trimester, only to develop placental problems or preeclampsia later on? I know too much now about what can go wrong, and I know that it can happen to me. I really hope the therapist can help me deal with this anxiety so it doesn't paralyze me.

~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ . ~ 

 

I was just finishing up this post when the phone rang. It was a close friend from collage who knows what I've been going through. We talked for two hours. First I told her about how I've been feeling, and then she took my mind off it by sharing some stories about her life. Right after that, I had a date with a fellow IF/Loss mom. We spend about an hour and a half talking. She's really wonderful and supportive, and lives right around the corner from me. So this evening I'm feeling much better, even if the questions I raised above are still unanswered.