Thoughts on Your Comments

Thanks for all the great comments on my last post. I'm glad so many of you liked my idea. :-) A couple of you brought up really good, additional points that I wanted to respond to directly.

First, runnyyolk said:

I think the best way would be for people to realize you don't want to talk about babies all the time. Plain and simple. I really hate it when people ask me if I have kids....

This is a very good point, and one I honestly wouldn't have thought of, since I actually do want to talk about babies all the time. (Well, not so much in the months following my miscarriages, but my aversion to baby-talk is starting wear off). I had to laugh when I read this because it completely highlighted how not normal I am. What (as yet) childless woman wants to endlessly discuss babies with her mommy-friends? And yet, up until my miscarriages last spring, that was me. :-) To some extent, it still is.

Next Kerrik said:

I think you are right that maybe the two questions open up different possibilities for inclusiveness.

If you have kids, and ask that question, you may be looking for someone to chat with about nap time schedules and bottle weening - basically comparing and contrasting notes, looking for advice or comments like we often do on these posts. If you ask the latter question, you are asking a much broader question about the way a person sees him or herself. In my case I would be inclined to say yes, yes I am a mom - I just don't have any kids yet.

Sadly though, I don't think someone who has not walked in our shoes would really understand the distinction.

Another very good point. There is a big difference between wanting to compare notes and wanting to understand the other person more completely. The two conversations also probably would each be appropriate in different situations. I wouldn't expect a mom who hadn't experienced pregnancy loss to understand the distinction. I was thinking more about myself, and how I could be inclusive in the future when I'm making new acquaintances, by asking questions based more on curiosity than assumptions.

Again, thanks for the great comments. I'll let you know as I have more thoughts along these lines. :-)