Anger at God, Questioning, and Other Things BLM's Do

Several people have been posting about this lately, so I thought I'd join the conversation. You can read the posts that inspired me here and here. I found myself making similar comments on both posts, so I thought I'd turn my thoughts into a post.

First, I'll admit that I ask "Why me!!?" a lot. Why did I grow up with the desire for lots of babies (I wanted so many that I planned to start having them as soon as I finished collage), and then not meet my Mr. Right (DH) until I was in my mid 20's? Why do some people who aren't even planning babies get pregnant and carry to term so easily, while I have two back to back miscarriages when I'm (finally) ready to conceive and prepared to raise a child? Why would I be given the kind of personality that would make me want to have a home birth like my mom, and then (maybe) end up with some condition that causes miscarriages unless I use a treatment that will risk me out of home birth? In case you haven't picked up on it yet, there are a lot of It's-Not-Fair!'s flying around with the "Why me!!?" stuff.

But when I think about all of this more rationally, sometimes I think I must have needed to learn something from the experience. I try to look for the lesson and learn it. I think experiencing two miscarriages has given me more compassion, and it's harder for me to be quite as judgmental now towards other people as I used to be. I try to accept the life I'm living right now and look for bright spots. And when I feel resentful of parents with living children, I try to remind myself that I don't know their story. I comfort myself with the thought that 1 in 4 women experience at least one miscarriage, and 1 in 8 couples experience infertility. Even though I wouldn't wish my pain on anyone else, it is still comforting to know that I am not actually all that rare, and that there are other women out there who can commiserate.

Nevertheless, I still avoid most moms with living children. My envy and resentment are too close to the surface, and I'm not a masochist. I stick to the few people who know my story and are understanding and supportive.

I also keep looking for answers to why this happened. Biological answers. Ones that involve a concrete, treatable cause of miscarriage. My life is one big question right now. I just don't know why I miscarried two babies. Mostly I am just learning to live with that question in the back of my head. "Why did it happen? Was it a clotting disorder? Immunology? Structural problems? Hormonal imbalance? Something else? Will testing reveal a cause? Will that cause be treatable? Etc. ad infinitum. I'm realizing that life is a lot more uncertain than I ever realized it was. And I'm trying to let go of controlling more than what I do in this moment. I'm trying to allow myself to act with hope for the future and still accept that the future may unfold in unexpected ways.

In terms of faith and God, I believe that there must be a plan for my life that is so big I can't see or understand it from a human perspective. That doesn't stop me from getting really angry at God sometimes. Personally, I think it's normal to be mad at God in situations like this, and that God can probably handle my anger better than if I directed it at myself or another person. So I don't beat myself up if sometimes I'm angry at God.

Do you struggle with these kind of questions/issues? And if you do, what has helped you cope with them so far? I'm really interested in how other people deal with these issues. From what I've read in other people's posts and the comments on them, although the emotions/struggles/issues are often similar, coping methods can be very different from one person to the next.