Paradigm Collision

I am reeling. It's as if there has been some kind of internal value-system earthquake. There is some major internal upheaval going on and the shock waves are really effecting my emotional state. And not in a good way.

I went to see the first in a series of specialists today. I plan to consult at least three doctors before making any decisions. It was both good and bad. On the good side, he took his time, answered all my questions, and ordered the tests to find out if I have FVL or another clotting disorder. But on the bad side, he's still a doctor, and as his patient, I would give up a good deal of my autonomy in exchange for treatment that could save my next baby. It really brought home to me the fact that I'll have to undo years and years of mental programming before I can come to terms with the realities of OB-managed prenatal care & hospital birth.

That programming started when I was very young. For as long as I can remember, I've known the story of how I was born at home. Around that story, I formed the beliefs that birth is natural and normal and home birth is better than hospital birth. (Very idealistic and black & white, I know. I see that now.) As a young adult, I became fascinated with birth, and for a while I studied home birth midwifery. I even spent a few months working as a birth doula in hospitals and apprenticing with a local midwife before deciding that midwifery wasn't the right career for me. However, I got to compare the realities of home birth versus hospital birth first hand, and these experiences only intensified my desire to have my own babies at home.

Now, if it turns out that FVL is indeed the culprit that caused my miscarriages, I'll be planning a hospital birth instead. Because I know I can't face the emotional pain of another unnecessary loss, when there is treatment available. Instead, I'm going to face the emotional turmoil of rearranging my whole value system when it comes to pregnancy and birth. Which is going to be very hard to do, because I can't just slap on the new belief The Most Important Thing is a Healthy, Living Baby; I also have to root out the old belief that Home Birth is Best and all the little off-shoots of it. There are so many off-shoots. Many of them are even based on solid research. But since that research was done on healthy women, it won't apply to me if I have FVL.

I never thought I'd be here. I know, I've said that before, but tonight I'm hurting, and I could use some support. Even if you can't understand my desire for a home birth, I hope you can understand that it's the colliding of paradigms, and the upheaval in my value system that hurts so much. I don't know how to successfully make this 180 degree shift. All I know is that I need to if I am going to stay sane. The truth is, my values have changed, having a healthy baby is more important to me now than where I give birth. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean it's easy to let go of the old dreams.