Rambling Thoughts

Thanks everyone for your support and suggestions on my last post. I especially appreciate the suggestions on how to tactfully present my situation ahead of time, and be obviously unavailable while waiting. The ipod idea is a good one. :-) I think I will be able to work with the situation without too much trauma. I'm in a much better place lately when it comes to being around pregnant and new moms. I still feel twinges of envy and bitterness, but it's better than even a month or two ago. Still, even if things are better, I don't really want to engage in baby-talk. I used to to this all the time, before my miscarriages, but now, unless the mom also went through some kind of pregnancy loss or IF or something it just doesn't feel comfortable anymore . . . So I don't go there.

Even though I'm in a better place, emotionally, these days, I still have bad days, and they can hit suddenly, with the force of a train wreck. I was thinking about it today, after another emotional explosion occurred, and I realized that I am resisting admitting any negative feelings. Now that I remember what happiness is like, I don't want to let go of it. So when something tweaks me a little, I try to brush it off and ignore it. Then what ends up happening is that the little tweak gets buried with other little tweaks until eventually they all explode. It's really hard to admit to myself that I am still so emotionally sensitive. My skin was never thick, but since my miscarriages, it's been almost non-existent. I want to be happy, and sometimes I am, but when I try to hold onto that happiness, it can get me in trouble later. I think I need to learn to notice and deal with the things that bother me when they happen. That means I need to feel those hurt or angry or bitter feelings, when they get triggered. Otherwise, I explode, and the explosions are toxic for everyone, including me.

On a different note, I'm going to get the Circle and Bloom PCOS fertility program for when we do start TTC again. I'm really looking forward to it, and I hope it will lower my anxiety levels. I'm also thinking of getting the pregnancy program, although I'm disappointed that it only has three tracks. I'm thinking of suggesting that they make a more detailed program, especially for pregnancy after loss/IF with a focus on reliving anxiety and visualizing the baby's development on a weekly, bi-monthly, or monthly basis (instead of a general visualization for each trimester). I'd be willing to pay more for a more detailed program. What do you all think? If you were to get a pregnancy relaxation program would you want it to be less expensive with fewer tracks or would you be willing to pay more for a more detailed program with more tracks?