Who's Life Is It?

I had my second visit with Dr. Black today. It went well. Mostly just an intake-type visit, but at the end we had a few minutes to discuss the anxiety I've been going through over when to try again. The Mister and I have agreed that trying in January makes sense, and neither of us see enough benefit in waiting until March to justify that many more weeks of preconception worry. The thing that has been bothering me the most, is actually pretty silly. Ms. Bird said that in her ideal world, she'd want me to wait until March.

When I told Dr. Black that, she asked, "Who's life is it?" It was a good question. It reminded me that it's my life, and my decision. She also asked me how much difference I thought two more months of Chinese herbs would really make--how much I'd blame them if I had another miscarriage. I realized that I thing there is a small chance that they might make or break my chances of a healthy pregnancy, and a much bigger chance that a third miscarriage will mean there is something going on that we haven't tested for yet. I'm already planning to go in for immunological testing if I miscarry again. I will also probably give whatever herb Ms. Bird prescribes the full 3 months. But right now, I doubt that the herbs are a make-or-break proposition. Ms. Bird even said as much, herself, at my last appointment with her.

So here we go . . . gearing up for TTC next cycle . . . Scared and excited. Nervous. Dr. Black said "Cautiously optimistic" but that sounds too innocuous for how I feel. Anxious would be my word of choice--anxious to try again, and anxious about what might go wrong when we do.