Astin Was Due Today

As best I can figure it, Astin would have been due today. I never got a doctor due date; I just did some math on my own. Sometime this week, anyway, I would have reached that magic 40 week mark, had my first pregnancy progressed normally. In some alternate reality, another me is stroking a hugely pregnant belly, wondering if these Braxton-Hicks will ever get regular, swearing through hard labor, holding a baby. But not here. Not now. Not on this Earth.

(The Mister is a Sci-Fi fan. Some of it rubs off. Recently he's been reading and watching stuff about parallel universes and alternate realities. That must be where I get these crazy ideas.)

I wasn't all that upset today. Yesterday was worse. I'm sure that is part of why I needed to talk about my miscarriages to someone yesterday. I did end up telling someone about my miscarriages today, too. I had a teeth cleaning and needed to give an update on my medical status and all the meds I'm taking and stuff. Turns out the hygienist had two miscarriages herself, years and years ago. She was very compassionate. It helped to hear her story, and know that she still remembers. It helped me affirm that I will never forget.

I miss you, Astin. I loved you before I knew you. I hope that somehow, someday, I can meet you again and hold you in my arms. Until then, I will carry you in my heart. Mama loves you, my little star.