Letting People In (Edited)

(Edited because on second read-through, this came across too defensive/aggressive. My intent was not to attack or criticize, but more to express and explain my own point of view and motivation in my choices regarding sharing my story.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about letting more people in on what is going on in my life with regards to my miscarriages. I'm not sure when it started, but it the feeling has grown, gradually, over the past few weeks. There are a couple particular people I have in mind, that I want to share my experiences with, but I also have a general feeling of just wanting to be more public about my miscarriages.

Still, I am not quite ready to go completely public. I want to be cautious, since I have had a history of sharing too much and then regretting it later. You can't ever un-tell a person, once they know, and sometimes it turns out to be a problem, if it's a person you can't simply cut off contact with.

Once a Mother (who wrote the post I referenced here) left a comment I'd like to address:

Thanks for your kind comment on my post, and for introducing me to your blog. I suffered a miscarriage before losing my daughter and then went on to suffer secondary infertility and needed IVF to achieve this pregnancy. The reason I am telling you this is that each of these are topics that can be considered taboo to talk about, or bring uncomfortable comments from others, and to that I say tough. If I inhibit what I share for the sake of others, or the fear of what they are going to say, it will eat me up inside. None of the losses we experience in this ALI world are by choice, and we shouldn't have to feel as if they are our burden to bear silently. I say share your story. You never know, the woman sitting next to you listening, may too really need that outlet, and a beautiful connection may be made. As far as people's rude comments, I always say if you can't stand with me in sorrow, i don't want you there with me in joy.

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, Once a Mother and I agree that the more people in the ALI community share their stories, the more we will life the taboo on these subjects. When a bereaved mother wants to talk about her losses I think she should be able to talk about them. I applaud you for knowing that she would prefer to share her story, even if it makes other uncomfortable, and I appreciate your encouraging me to do the same. However, in general, I don't think I "inhibit" myself, or stop myself from sharing my story when I really want to, neither for the sake of others nor out of fear of being hurt. It is true that I am quite selective; I consciously choose with whom to share, and under what circumstances. I take my time, consider the relationship I have with the other person, and weigh the risks of offending/receiving painful comments against the benefits of potentially deepening our relationship, before I tell my story. Sometimes, people surprise me. Often, I have a good measure of the other person, and the response I get is in line with what I expected.

I agree that the losses people in the ALI world experience aren't chosen--no one would chose this pain. However, everyone responds to pain differently. Some people feel caged, or inhibited, if they don't share their story. Others prefer to keep their pain close, because it is so personal, sharing it may feel to intimate for many situations. I think that going through IF/PAIL puts people into a closet, and we all have to choose if, when, and how to out ourselves. That is each person's choice to make. My choice is to out myself slowly and carefully over time. Someone else may never speak of her/his struggles. Another person may tell everyone she/he comes in contact with. Some people have less choice about outing themselves--a late-term loss, stillbirth, or infant death can't easily be hidden from the people who knew about the pregnancy/baby. But even these people may try to chose how and when to share their news.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need to respect each-other's choices when it comes to how much each person in the ALI community shares of her/his story, when and with whom. We need to support each individual to make her/his own decisions about what level of sharing is best for her/him. What I see as caution and self-preservation may look to another person like fear or inhibition. It's a matter of personal preference, and it is hard to really understand the motivation behind another person's choices looking in from the outside. I respect and understand that many people choose to share their losses much more openly than I have chosen to share mine. I only ask that in return I be given the respect, space, and freedom to share my story on my own timetable.

For example: today I decided to share my story with someone new. This is someone I see on a regular basis, but don't know extremely well. I consider her an acquaintance. I do, however, know that she has two children, and that her pregnancies were relatively uneventful. For that reason, I thought she would have difficulty understanding, and since she likes to teach and give advice, I thought there was a pretty high chance she would say something patronizing. So all these months, I have avoided telling her anything. She didn't need to know, and I didn't feel a need to tell. Until today. Today, I found myself wanting very much to tell her. To out myself. To give her a chance.

At first, it was just as I expected. Tired, clichéd, patronization. After a few minutes of this, back and forth, with me trying to explain why I didn't agree with the whole "It was for the best" sentiment she was expressing, I finally asked if she'd ever had a miscarriage. No, she hadn't, but her sister had gone through IF/loss, and she had watched that pain. She admitted that she couldn't understand my pain, but I also began to see that she had a good deal of compassion for it. Her heart was in the right place. In fact, within minutes of my asking that one question, she was telling me that she is going to be a surrogate mother. She is well into the process of selecting and being matched with a family, and has started preparing her body for pregnancy. The fact that she chose to become a surrogate out of a desire to help people who otherwise couldn't have children touched me deeply. When she shared that with me, I felt such appreciation for her, that it took most of the sting out of her previous well meant, but naive comments.

So, in the end, I'm glad I shared my story with her, and it did deepen our relationship, but it wore me out, emotionally. I think it will be at least a few weeks before I begin to feel the itch to share with someone new again. :-)