Today, while I was volunteering at the farm, a new mom showed up, looking for a mom's group that was supposed to meet there. She had some questions about the garden, which I helped to answer. I even asked for a peak at her baby and didn't cringe (maybe because what I really wanted was to ask to hold the baby). After a little while, another member of her mom's group showed up, and they started chatting, off in their own little world, all wrapped up with no room for anyone else. I wanted to join them so badly. I kept thinking, I'm a mom, too! but I still felt like an impostor. I hated the feeling that they belonged to an exclusive club that I can't join without having a living child. I found myself praying that I won't become a mom-snob* as soon as I have babies--that I'll be inclusive in my friendships and casual interactions.
Those thoughts lead to wondering how to go about being inclusive, and eventually I got to thinking about the way my first thought was worded: I'm a mom, too. People always ask each other if they have kids. No one asked me that, today, but if they had, I would have said, "No." I don't think of myself as having kids. I think of myself as the mother of two angel babies. There is a big difference between having a baby on Earth and having a baby in Heaven. In my heart, I am a mother, but my day to day experience has very little in common with the mother of a living baby.
When I ask people about their families, assuming I'm at a point in my journey where I'm ready to talk openly about my own losses, I can ask: "Are you a Mom?" or "Are you a Dad?" That question would be more likely to open the door for discussion, and might feel more inclusive to a bereaved parent who wanted to talk about his or her losses. I know it doesn't cover those people who are parents in their hearts but have never been pregnant at all. I'll have to think on how I can be supportive of those folks, too. I only hope that being aware of the problem now, and thinking about how I wish people would treat me, will help me to be more considerate when I get my turn on the other side of the fence.
What do you all think? How would you want people with children to behave towards you? What could they do or say that would feel most inclusive to you?
*Thanks to Michell at In Pursuit of Parenthood for coining this wonderful new word a couple of months ago!
I love your inclusive approach.
ReplyDeleteI love this. I'm going to use this language in the future...thanks for the suggestion and language.
ReplyDeleteI think the best way would be for people to realize you don't want to talk about babies all the time. Plain and simple. I really hate it when people ask me if I have kids....
ReplyDeleteI think you are right that maybe the two questions open up different possibilities for inclusiveness.
ReplyDeleteIf you have kids, and ask that question, you may be looking for someone to chat with about nap time schedules and bottle weening - basically comparing and contrasting notes, looking for advice or comments like we often do on these posts. If you ask the latter question, you are asking a much broader question about the way a person sees him or herself. In my case I would be inclined to say yes, yes I am a mom - I just don't have any kids yet.
Sadly though, I don't think someone who has not walked in our shoes would really understand the distinction.
love this approach. Comming from the land of sceondary IF I just need to figure out how to answer the " is she your only child" question when i feel like a mum of 5 not one and one on the way(fingers crossed).
ReplyDeleteLove this post - very interesting to think about like this.
ReplyDelete