"You'll Be Such a Good Mom"

I've heard that phrase over and over for years and years. While I always appreciated the complementary intent, it has always bothered me, at least a little. For starters, it's usually based on the fact that I'm good with other people's kids. Taking care of other people's children is not the same as taking care of your own. I know that. I'm very aware that being able to hand the kids back to the parents at the end of the day and go home to a quiet house is not at all the same as being "on" 24/7 as a parent.

Second, hearing those words only highlights the fact that I'm not a mom, yet. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom, but it has taken far longer than I ever expected. My longing for children of my own began long before puberty. I've had baby-lust all my life. It was manageable when I was single, because I thought that all it would take would be meeting Mr. Right, getting married and BDing a few times. The baby-lust only became excruciating after the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage began. The knowledge that so many people think I'd make a great mom is painful now, too. It almost feels like a burden, as if I am somehow letting down these would-be prophets.

Fortunately, no one has said that phrase to me recently. I only remembered it because it shows up in one of my current favorite music videos: I Would Die for That (it's on my music page; I watch it whenever I need a good cry). One of the women holds up a sign that says "Would be a great Mom" at about 1m 5s into the song. I suddenly remembered how often I used to hear that and wondered what the people who used tell me that would think, if they knew the h*!! I'm going through now. Seeing that yesterday felt like getting sucker-punched in the gut, as if, all this time, the universe has been setting me up to take one enormous pratt-fall. God? Are you up there laughing at the pitifulness of how my dearest hopes have been smashed to dust? I sure hope you're enjoying watching the reality show of my life, cause it would be such a waste otherwise. I mean, it really sucks to live through this, but as long as I know someone is getting a laugh, I guess I can grin and bear it for your sake.