An Open Letter to Family and Friends

I have been considering writing something like this since, well, right after my second miscarriage. However, since the few people IRL I have told about my losses have primarily been supportive, I didn't have much motivation to sit down and write it. That is, until yesterday, when one of the few people I keep in touch with from collage let me down. This friend is the sweetest person, and I'm sure she had no intention of hurting me--she probably just didn't know what to say. So she said nothing. I told her in an e-mail about my latest loss, and when she replied, she didn't even mention it. I was surprised by how much it stung. So, I finally sat down and wrote the following letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

I've really appreciated you're support over the past months, as I've dealt with the painful emotions and choices that have surrounded my miscarriages. However, I've noticed that, when I bring up the subject, people are often at a loss for words. I am aware that miscarriage tends to be a taboo subject and that people often feel uncomfortable hearing about it. In spite of this, I really need to talk about my miscarriages, so I would like to offer some suggestions of things you could say or do that would feel most supportive to me.

First, when I mention my miscarriages, or say that I am having a rough time, please acknowledge what I've told you. If we are corresponding by e-mail or playing phone tag, please include this acknowledgment in your next message to me. This would really mean a lot to me. If you don't know what to say, any of the following will work:

“I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.”

“I'm so sorry to hear about your latest loss.”

“I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now.”

Other Ideas of what to say Adapted From Miscarriage Support Auckland

• "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
• "It's okay to cry." It's reassuring to know I'm not being judged for my tears and sadness.
• "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. I expect to continue grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for me to know your support is ongoing.
• "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriages now." I appreciate the opportunity to talk about my miscarriages, even months later. I expect that I will still want to talk about them after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
• "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
• "It must be so hard for you to have another miscarriage when you were doing so much to prevent one." This acknowledges all the work and effort I have been putting into finding out why my miscarriages happened and treating those causes.

If you can be available by phone, you could offer to call me or invite me to call you. Let me know what times work for you, and if you can't talk when I call, get back to me as soon as possible with an alternate time. If you have very limited availability, please be up front about that.

If I do call you, mostly listen. However, I would really appreciate it if you would please mention or ask about my losses sometimes so I don't have to always be the one to broach the subject. One way to do this is to ask, “How are you coping (these days)?” That lets me know that you are interested in hearing about my emotions surrounding my miscarriages, and not just the superficial details of my life.

If you can't be available by phone, cards or e-cards, expressing sentiments like the ones above, would be very welcome. Also, it would help if you continue to let me know that you are thinking of me and remembering my babies with me as time goes on, especially around holidays. I expect Mother's Day to be particularly difficult for me and would really appreciate a Mother's Day card or e-card from you acknowledging that I am a mother and remembering the babies I've lost.

Finally, The Mister and I are doing quite a bit in the way of testing and treatment to try to prevent subsequent losses. The nature of these tests and treatments is very personal, so I would prefer not to be asked about them. Receiving test results and deciding on treatment options can be stressful and emotional, and I may want to talk about how I *feel* about these issues without giving the more private details. I know that sometimes this may leave you feeling a little lost as you listen to me. I would appreciate it if you could gently let me know that you want to understand better, if I am open to providing more details. Sometimes I will be happy to explain a particular diagnosis or treatment option, but at other times I may want to keep things vague. I'd appreciate your understanding and flexibility at times when I need to talk about my feelings but the medical details are too private to share.

Thanks! I really appreciate your support and willingness to be there for me at this difficult time in my life. I don't want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells, but I also want you to feel confident that you have the tools you need to express your sincere desire to support me.

Love,

Hope