Caught Between the Past and The Future

Julie Anita at The Unbroken World wrote a post today, drawing parallels between grief after the death of a parent and grief after a miscarriage. I think she's right, that the experience of grief is common to all who suffer a loss, regardless of the actual loss. But it got me thinking. The grief that accompanies RPL is unique in a peculiar way. Especially if the loss occurs early on, the whole experience can be very surreal. For me, this time, the most surreal thing of all is the dichotomy of having to move forward with family building plans while morning the loss of yet another dream baby.

When a parent dies, you don't immediately move on to finding a new mother, or trying again to have a father. It sounds horribly crude to even suggest it. My parents are, thankfully, alive and well, but when someone's parent(s) die, no one ever says, "Oh, don't be sad, you can always have another mom/dad." But that is exactly what people say about pregnancy loss. As if it makes you miss *this* baby any less . . .

Still, bereaved parents usually do go on to try again. Not always, but often enough to perpetuate the myth that a baby is replaceable as long as it's unborn. But that isn't the reason we try again. We try again because we want *another* child. We want a chance at a living, healthy child. RPL is particularly painful in this area, because it is not only a matter of trying again, but of finding ways to prevent another loss. And with every loss, the desire to dig deeper, to find the cause and fix it, grows stronger and stronger. So we move on--some more quickly than others--to figuring out how we can try for a pregnancy that will result in a living child. Doing this catches you between the future and the past. Grieving may be swept aside by the search for answers. When we focus so much on the future and moving forward, our support people sometimes forget that we have just lost something precious.

It is something I am desperately trying to juggle right now. How do I stop and grieve for what I've lost, while moving in my quest for a healthy pregnancy? It must be a similar experience when an IVF cycle fails. The times when all that effort, all the medications, the discomfort, the invasive, embarrassing procedures, not to mention the financial and emotional investment turns out to be for nothing, must be so disappointing. It must be so hard to pick up and go on and try again.

Infertility is a b!t@h. Longing for children, with only chances, no guarantees, we put ourselves willingly (well, sort of willingly) through the wringer again and again. No wonder everyone has a limit. What we put ourselves through, what we go through to make little humans--it could be considered inhumane. Who else, under what other circumstances, would willingly pay to go through treatments and procedures that, as often as not, end in shame, disappointment, failure, embarrassment, and grief? Yet in the pursuit of parenthood, we do exactly that, and we do it over and over and over again.

D@m&--are we crazy? It's not effing fair!

P.S. Thanks everyone for all the support on my last post. Things do look a little better today. I really appreciated all your comments--it helped to hear from you!