How Do You Go On . . .

When in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back?" ~Frodo

Good question. How I wish I knew the answer. I wonder why miscarriage feels so much like the end of the world. Maybe it's because, in a sense, it is. The world is no longer the way I thought it was. It is much darker, and navigating has become so much more difficult. Sometimes I am surprised at the way life still keeps moving, and somehow carrying me along. I didn't know I could survive another miscarriage, but I did, and here I am. It changed everything, and yet nothing changed at all.

The world is the same. I am still me. It's not actually the world that has changed, but rather my trust in the goodness of the world that has been shaken, again. I'm forced to admit that my care-provider's aren't omnipotent and can't prevent all problems. The solutions won't come easily. There may never be a solution. I cannot see the road ahead, but I cannot go back and live the life I once dreamed of, either. Even living children will never erase these months of grieving and searching. I will always be a shaped by these experiences.

My life diverged last April. The Old Me faded into an alternate universe as the New Me slowly took shape. Our paths are almost entirely separate now, and, even though I don't always enjoy being in the shoes of this New Me, I am learning how to walk in them.



I can't leave and go to the Grey Havens like Frodo. So I go on. I wonder if Frodo copped out--leaving like that. Maybe, or maybe Tolkien was offering a fantasy that fulfilled the desire of the shell-shocked and grieving. The desire to escape the pain, but not by death. Instead, to escape by somehow leaving the pain behind and beginning a new life. That is what I want. To wipe the slate clean and begin anew.