Mad Morning, Sad Afternoon

So I'm (finally) well enough to go in for my immune tests, but the local lab has no idea what to do with Dr. R.'s instructions for the immune draw. After a good deal of back and forth, they told me they thought they could do it--on Monday--I'd missed the time cut-off for today. Instead, I made an appointment with the lab Dr. R. uses regularly. It will mean a 40 min+ drive each way, but this is one draw I don't want to have to do over. First, I've been waiting long enough already. Second, if the lady at my local lab is to be believed, they are going to be taking at least 12 vials of blood. What if there are other special instructions not on the sheet (the 12 vials thing wasn't on it) that didn't get communicated to my local lab? I'm not taking a chance on any of that. Not at this point. I do not want to have to donate 12+ vials twice because of a lab eff-up.

The whole thing pissed me off because I deliberately made phone calls and tried to get all this information weeks ago, so I wouldn't have to get the run-around when I actually showed up! Apparently, the right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing, and I got stuck holding the $h!tbag. So that set a really great tone for the day.

Before all that went south, I was planning to go volunteer at a different community garden from the one I used to go to--one with hopefully less kids. But after dealing with the lab, I was too pissed to do anything for a while, and I had planned to make a lunch that would be rather time-consuming to cook. Plus I didn't think it was a good idea to have my first day of volunteering be on a day when I was already over-sensitive. So I scrapped the garden volunteering idea.

Instead, I called my mom while I was making lunch. She'd sent me an e-mail that should have set off my pregdar. I've got no idea why it didn't. A "family event" and "if you want more details" should have been fairly obvious clues, but they entirely escaped me. I thought it was some kind of random family reunion (even though that side of my family doesn't do reunions without a real event, like a wedding, funeral, or baby shower). It turned out to be a baby-shower for the wife of one of my cousins. I'm not close with her or anything, and I'm glad I heard about it from my mom instead of getting blind-sided by an invitation. I'm glad I live far enough away that there won't be any question of my going. I'll send a gift-card, because they are nice people and I am happy for them.

I'm just really sad for me. I should have had happy news for the family 6 months ago. I should have a 2 month old baby in my arms and no time for blogging. Damn! Why did I draw the effing RPL card? I was reading Preventing Miscarriage today, while I was at the lab, waiting for them to tell me they couldn't help me. (Bad choice, I know, I just grabbed something on my way out the door.) I've been dipping in and out of it for the few weeks I have it out of the library, and today I was reading the section on miscarriage rates. One statistic hit me really hard. According to that book, 1 in 300 women experience 3 miscarriages in a row*. One in effing 300. That's one third of a percent. How did I end up on this side of statistics?

Needless to say, the rest of the day has been pretty much shot. I've gotten a few things done, slowly, but mostly I'm just too sad to move.

*In other places, I've seen this statistic as high as 5% of all women. I don't know which is true. I think it depends on how you define miscarriage. The research, statistics, testing, treatment are all so effing inconclusive and every "expert" has a different opinion. No one really knows for sure why miscarriages happen or what will prevent them. It makes it hard to stay hopeful. 

P.S. Thanks for all the support on my last post. Figuring that metaphor out, actually helped me get a better perspective and feel better. It was also really nice to know that so many people can relate to the feeling of having a giant elephant following you around that nobody else can see. :-)